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End off the Road!!

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  • #385593
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    My therapist said exactly the same. As I’m empty and completely “dead” inside, it would surely be a lost cause. I feel adrift with no direction, no path in life. But, I’m still trying to find my purpose and begin living a meaningful life. I have so many questions, so much to figure out.

    #385611
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    you are welcome.

    As I’m empty and completely “dead” inside, it would surely be a lost cause. I feel adrift with no direction, no path in life. But, I’m still trying to find my purpose and begin living a meaningful life.

    How about making it your purpose and goal, at least for now, to get on the path of healing, and start feeling more and more alive and full inside, as opposed to dead and empty? To meet your core unmet needs, so that your heart can feel full and you feel motivated and inspired and eager to live and love? How do you feel about such a goal?

    #385613
    Javier
    Participant

    Teak,

    I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day. At the moment, my whole life feels wasted. I don’t know why, but I’m second-guessing everything I do and even did in my past, from early age till now. I get anxious just by thinking about tomorrow. I’m afraid of sleeping, I can’t cope, I’m afraid all the time. Sometimes I just want to be drugged-down so I’m not able to feel or think anything. I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent. To wake up like this every day makes it really hard to find any silver linings. The only thing keeping me motivated is this forum and all your courageous words.

    #385616
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day.

    I understand. There is a part of you that wants to be healed, and the other that wants to give up because it all seems too much. Too much pain, too much disappointment, too much “deadness” and emptiness. But if you persist and e.g. simply show up for your therapy appointments, it’s already something. You’re strengthening the part who is willing to live and love again…

    I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent.

    Your needs are like each of our needs: to be loved, appreciated, seen, validated… Those are also your inner child’s needs. You can have those met in therapy, little by little. Eventually you’ll be able to give love and validation to your inner child. You’ll become a good parent to your inner child. And when you start feeling loved, you won’t feel empty and dead any more, you’ll feel motivated, new doors will open for you. Trust me, I too felt empty inside, and learning to love and appreciate myself was a turning point in my life.

    I’m afraid of sleeping

    What are you afraid will happen when you sleep?

     

    #385620
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Teak,

    I’m afraid of the mornings, I’m afraid of reliving all my regrets. In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc). As I can’t distract myself with journaling and reading as I wake up, everything is magnified significantly.

    I dread every morning, the nightmares, the waking-up traumas, the anxiety attacks, the feeling of being helpless and not be able to correct/fix anything from my past and present.

     

    #385713
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc).

    I see. It’s like you get “reset” over night, and so the positive, hopeful part of you fades into the background, while the negative, hopeless part takes lead and starts broadcasting its usual “program”.

    I think it would be useful if you acknowledged those two parts, perhaps even see them as two different radio stations. One broadcasts the usual litany of regrets and self-blame, telling you about all the tragedies and bad things that happened, and how things are hopeless. The other station, which has a much weaker signal, broadcasts positive, affirming things, pleasant music, and lots of inspiration. When you tune into that, you feel some hope.

    Every morning, you wake up with the negative radio station turned on max. So perhaps you can make a conscious choice to switch to the other station, because the former is just making you depressed. You want to listen to something more uplifting. Perhaps this would help you to get out of the morning anxiety quicker?

     

    #385714
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    Yes, you are right! But, I’m struggling to do that. I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

    #385715
    TeaK
    Participant

    I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

    What do you do to switch during the day? You said journaling and reading isn’t an option for you in the morning… so what is?

     

    #385750
    Javier
    Participant

    I usually “weather” the morning storms by self-talk(sometimes screaming) for a couple of hours. Then some reading and journaling.

    Most of the time, I put the TV sound on the highest level, just to override my thoughts. It sounds silly, but I have the TV on 24/7 and I have to have sound and lights on all the time.

    #385752
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    Most of the time, I put the TV sound on the highest level, just to override my thoughts. It sounds silly, but I have the TV on 24/7 and I have to have sound and lights on all the time.

    It’s not silly, it’s a way to create some sense of safety, since you never had it as a child. TV keeps you company, and it’s safe, so it makes you feel better, I guess (unless you watch too many news – which is always disturbing).

    You said you like listening to inspirational podcasts. Is that something you could do in the morning? For example, put on a morning meditation or something, to immediately counter the negative inner voice?

    #385756
    Javier
    Participant

    Yes, I have tried the motivational speeches and inspirational podcasts early in the mornings. I have also tried yoga and simple breathing exercices, but still feel lost, empty and full of negative thoughts. I’m still working on getting more disciplined in the mornings, but most of the time I just feel numb and lost.

     

    #385888

    Hi Javier,

    Just checking in.

    So I’m seeing you are struggling. So let me express what I’ve gone through and how I’ve gotten through it.

    I struggled with severe mental illness as bipolar for many years, worsening when I was 25 in 2015. I was hospitalized twice (once the first time and secondly after a relapse years later).

    I’m finally on the right meds. It’s a true miracle.

    But for a while, I started waking up each morning cringing in shock at all I had been through. My therapist called this PTSD.

    I had to let the shock of it subside overtime. I couldn’t get rid of it right away.

    I had to not react to my mind. My inner critic was lying to me as it is lying to you. I had to just let it happen and not judge my process of healing.

    You are feeling so many negative things. I understand that. I was just there myself! I was waking up cringing and feeling depressed each morning.

    But it got better.

    It gets better.

    You’re going through the worst of it right now. It will get  better. So don’t react to your mind right now. It’s freaking out. It’s  PTSD. It’s trauma. It’s catastrophizing.

    Mindfulness is a great tactic to overcoming this stuff. But it’s also human to be afraid. You don’t have to fix yourself overtime.  Have self-compassion.

    You’re not alone, and things are never hopeless. You hit rock bottom with your recent suicide attempt. You’ve been given a second chance at life.

    We are here for you, but it’s up to you if you’ll let the light in.

    It’s up to you to find what makes you smile or laugh.

    It’s up to you to take deep breaths while going through panic attacks.

    It’s up to you to listen to your inner voice not your inner critic.

    It’s up to you to take this advice and follow any resources given.

    It’s up to you have faith.

    That’s what it comes down to.

    Faith in yourself and whatever you believe in.

    You have a purpose. Your purpose might show itself through your pain.

    I was grieving someone and I turned my grief into a story line of my young adult fiction novel that I’m writing. I also turned it into an article that I’m still writing. In my sadness, lines just came to me that captured my emotions and gave me wisdom and meaning.

    Your intuition tells you a lot. I think you are doing better than you think.

    Stop reacting to your thoughts. Just observe them. Let them pass. You need to separate yourself from your mind with mindfulness. Nothing you do will work until you do.

    Sarah

    #386065
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    Really appreciate your feedback. Do you think you will be able to feel good if you are off medications?

     

     

    #386066

    Javier,

    I do not have an answer to that. You will need a therapist and dr to help you make that decision.

    When I meditated the other day, it didn’t make my depression go away right away. But then I thought of things I could control. I still recommend the other exercises I gave you, but try this one if those don’t speak to you. Write a list of what you can’t control vs. can control right now.

    Let me know what you find!

    Look up mindfulness practices. You will need mindful thinking to get through this.

    Sarah

    #386530
    Javier
    Participant

    I’m annoyed, frustrated and perplexed. I have been in several sessions with my therapists, and I’m still stuck at square one.

    I was expecting(not a quick-fix nor a magic pill) some techniques, work tasks or at least something that I can do by myself. I battle every day for my life, my mind is killing me, and every morning is a fight for survival. I have expressed this dozen of times to my therapists and begged them for help. They just acknowledge it, and they tend to brush it under the carpet.

    My emptiness, my desire to not live, my depression is killing me slowly. And the only thing they tell me is that I need to find a way to fill my days with activities and physical exercise. I’m tired and have no energy left. I have trouble with sleeping, and they just put me on meds and urges me to go to sleep. My body, mind and heart are weak. I’m dead inside and completely empty. I have this “sense” that I won’t survive this for long, but still, they won’t help me.

    The emptiness will never disappear or go away, which I know for sure, but why can’t they show me the direction or at least tell me if there are any books or courses I can do.

    To be honest, this forum gives me more help than everything else.

    I’m just a lost case that can’t be healed-.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 9 hours ago by Javier.
Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 182 total)

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