Hi TeaK,

That was an incredible reply on your behalf. You are right that there are many contradictions in what I believe vs. what I write vs. what I do, etc. Humans are walking contradictions. I am trying to stick to my morals. I was offered a job that would have paid almost 40 grand more than I made previous. Totally insane money. More than doctors or lawyers make. It was with a financial powerhouse. Some sort of an investment company. I rejected the offer after a few hours of self reflection. I won’t get into the details, but it just wasn’t worth it for me. I am not doing any of this to prove anything to anyone. I am doing this so I can have a better life in the near and far future. I was born in USSR and we did not have to worry about what happens tomorrow. My parents, now or when I was a kid, would not help me. If I don’t take care of myself, if I don’t get paid enough money, if I don’t study my a%% off, I’ll be in trouble. That’s the world we live in and not my perception of the world. I get it and I appreciate your breakdown of the personality thing. I am not sure I fully understand it, but I get it. And you’re probably right. But I live in this terrible reality (terrible in a sense of the reality of capitalism, competition, greed, etc.) and I don’t know what else to do. The reason I am studying is to have a better tomorrow, meaning make enough money (not a lot, just enough) to live comfortably and be able to save for retirement. It’s not because I want to, but because I have to. I do like technology and I enjoy studying so I can take these exams. I am not studying and hating every second of it. Not at all. It’s just that it’s harder at my age of 43 than when I was 23. I rejected 3 jobs offers because one of them was too low in terms of salary, one was too far and I am not ever going to stand in soul sucking traffic for over an hour each way, and one because it would mean I had to work for a soulless corporations who just wants to make money regardless of anything and I would have to service, like a bootlicker, these C level execs and be their slave. Not enough money in the world to make me do that. So I am sticking to my guns. I am not giving in and going against my gut feeling. But as I said, the world is unforgiving. I can’t simply reject every single offer because it doesn’t match my expectations 100%. That world does’t exist. If I could find a job that would decent, not a lot, but decent where I wouldn’t stress and have shorter working hours, and not have to sit in traffic, I would in a second switch from IT to something else. I’ve prayed and meditated on this for years and nothing came to mind. Not one thing. I realized that at this point I have no other choice, at least I don’t see any other choices, but to pursue this career path and simply try to find a company where people are more important than profit. I know that’s a pipe dream, but I know there are decent companies out there and I will NEVER work for another evil company again. No amount of money will make me do that. Yes, my parents are ignorant and it hurts me that they think I should take this high paying job because they have no worldly view of what’s good or bad on that level. They just see the narrow goals of profit and all that jazz.

It’s been a very tough week, but I am not depressed, sad, or dejected. I have pain in the kidneys. I am sure it’s nothing serious, but it’s still bothering me. My dog hurt his back and that was super stressful. I had a tone of interviews and my first exam is coming up next week, but I had to reschedule because this week was just a little too much. I am struggling, but I am not giving up. I will never give up. I just wish that there was some, just a little tiny bit, of good news. I would settle for a compliment from a stranger or an old friend calling me to reconnect or hearing that my parents are doing better than before. Just anything that’s positive would help me. But it’s mostly been the other way around. I know the Universe doesn’t conspire against anyone, even though it feels like it sometimes, but what the hell is this? Why am going through all this? When does it end? I am ready for death. Not as in I want to die, but as in I am not afraid of anything anymore. Whatever happens, happens, Que sera, sera. I am letting everything go as if it’s the best decision at the time. if I didn’t accept the job, it’s the best decision at the moment. If I am rejecting something or someone, it’s the best decision at the moment. But I can’t deny how exhausted emotionally I am at the moment. I am hoping to take a small vacation after my first exam and before I start working (after I get hired obviously).

Have a great day and may all good things come to good people (and bad people too I guess). May we all be free from the suffering of this world.