Dear anita,

Thank you for your patience.

When I read both of your’s and TeaK’s reply I thought we are not completely on the same page with everything, but I also saw how I did not explain the situation well enough. Something similar happened to me with my thesis; I pretty much worked through my whole thesis in my head and there’s a lot of information in my head, but providing a quick summary of the whole structure was a bit messy because there was too much information, which was still a bit all over the place. In an effort to jot everything down in my head, it can lead me to over-explain or write very long sentences. Or my sentences are confusing for others. Thus I try to shorten my sentences or write more succinctly, but I feel like I lose things I want to express or the situation is wrongly expressed. This how I am feeling when I am trying to explain something on here, but at the same time want to express my emotions. Apart from my thesis, it did take energy and preparation to write my next reply, because I did not know how to do it. I literally asked myself, “how am I going to explain this better?”

With the previous posts, I still see that it is difficult for me to talk like a child or keep it simple. I will try again and hope that I can clear up some misunderstanding, or better said, add in the rest of the information.

Firstly, thank you anita. With the exercise, you allowed me to have a place to dump out stored anger. It is difficult for me to dump out “negative” emotions through writing in simple sentences, especially anger. But rationalizing will still take over at some point.

There is missing information with the memory of my mum. I did say something hurtful to her; something along the lines that she does not care about me. That line is when she started crying. So, even though I found it unfair that I could not play before doing homework, I also felt like it was also my fault that I made her cry. That was the second time I saw my mum cry. The first being at 2 years old when comforting her. This time the tears were different from the first time I saw her cry the first time.

Also, it was my mum, family friend and me in the house. My siblings were at kindergarten and my dad at work. Our family friend stayed over for a visit. We had moved to a new city, but it was already the second move within that city (from an apartment to a house). I was 7 years old and by then had experienced 4 moves in total.

I would also like to add, that my mum was still working after she had me, up to the age of four. She was a flight attendant. I have a memory of being up of one of the towers at the airport and rushing to my mum being very happy to see her. She confirmed that memory and that there were other times where I would see her at work. There is also a picture of me getting to wear the pilot’s hat.

My dad also travels a lot for work. When they had me, he was still working on the ship as an engineer. When I think about my memories there are less of him simply because he is not always around, he is working. When my mum was not around, my grandma was taking care of me. We were still living in my birth country. I have lots of happy memories, apart from that one time when my mum cried at the age of 2. I remember having two good friends at my first kindergarten. I was thrilled when my brother was born at the age of 5; my parents and I had moved accommodation before he was born (I was 4 years old). I have fun memories of the countries I traveled to from ages 4-5, in terms of people I have in those memories are my mum and a friend I made in one of those countries. I have loving memories of being with my older cousins. The oldest was the cool one and early on became my role model; the first thing I said when entering school was “I want to be like my cousin.” The second thing I said was “I want to make my mum and dad proud of me.” The second oldest, we were almost always together when we visited each other. Playing imaginary creatures which we drew beforehand, games, imaginary fantasy world, lava, mermaid/merman, he would do my hair, etc. When the three of us played together it was a blast. Sure there was quarreling sometimes, but we had fun most of the time.

I am adding this information because I think it helps bring more clarity to the life I have been living as a kid. I am starting to question whether “abandonment” was the proper word. It kind of was, but I feel like it takes out all the positive because I have a lot of happy/fun/loving memories as a kid, but the sad/confused/angry/ ones simply stood out. One that stood out was at the age of six, we had moved to a new city by then. However, that memory seems to be neutrally charged.

1. When my sister was born it was really early in the morning. (I was 6 years old). I remember waking up and being alone in the house. I do not know what I felt but I just recall being alone in the house. I do not think it was for a long time. When I saw my dad coming back I remember a smile on his face and him telling me that I now have a sister. I remember being happy having a sister. I went through this event with the theta healer, because she asked me about when was the first time I felt abandoned. This was the only memory I could think of, but it was neutrally charged; when I talked about it, it did not really stir up anything in me.

There honestly is not much else related to anger to my mum in early childhood. So the words

“At first, the little girl refused to agree with such a devastating conclusion, and she stubbornly isolated herself from them. But not for long, because she was a little girl who needed family, so she gave in and gave up and abandoned herself.”

I do not find it accurate nor do I resonate with them. I feel like it is not my story at all. I have too many loving memories before and after that event, that event simply stood up.

My mom showered me in hugs, substituted foods I did not like with food I did like. For example pasta instead of spaghetti, no brussel sprouts but other greens. She read stories to me, sang together with me, played toys with me, knew me the best, went shopping with me. I have an amazing memory where we went window shopping during Christmas time. We walked for a long time and it got dark and you could see all the Christmas decorations light up and marvel at the advent calendars. We (mum, brother, and I) also once went on another super long walk (I was 6 years old) and my mum jokingly said we are walking to my birth city to see grandma, my cousins, and my aunts. I believed her. It was like an adventure, but in the end, we were too tired and she said the distance might be too long for us. She taught us that it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them. She would sow clothes for us, which I loved to model in, she listened to me, she keeps all the drawings and other creative pieces we (kids) drew/made for her. As we got older she asked whether she can get rid of some of the older stuff because it was getting too much and our art improved over the years. She helped with schoolwork as much as she could; there were so many late nights she helped me with decorations for my poster. She also often said I should go earlier to bed to rest – it was me who was stubborn and studious yet she who told me more often to get rest. When I was sad she would pick me up and cheer me up, she guides us back to love, she provides us with the tools she knows how to defend ourselves. For example, in grade one there was a girl who called me black several times. I came crying to my mum and she would comfort me. Then she told me to take the brown and black color pencils. I should place both next to my arm and tell the girl “This is brown. This is black. Can you see the difference or are you color blind.” If anyone were to ask me where I got learned compassion from, I would without hesitation say I got it from my mum. We watched barbie movies together and other kids movies. We loved watching musicals and dance movies and we still do to this day. When I was small we watched also Bollywood movies together. She made sure all content that I viewed was appropriately pg-rated. When I did not like a hobby I was doing she allowed me to quit because she wanted me to be happy; that was one of the most important things to her that we (kids and family) are happy. With my sibling’s births, it never felt like she was giving more love to one or the other. The only thing I did notice I was always the one doing more chores, but I did them together with her, so the time would pass by anyway. I wonder how many times she listened to me singing kids songs while I was drying the dishes and she was washing the dishes – to put it bluntly, she is amazing. I love my mum and I am loved by her. She rarely ever complained and simply encouraged us to give our best and try hard because out there (the world) things are difficult especially with our skin color. She did not say it often, but hearing her say it with a slightly sad voice made it stand out. If cousins were to label aunts, she would be a loving and caring one. That one time with the homework, cannot overthrow all the other caring and loving moments, it did stand out a lot though from the pile of different memories, just like how the memories stood out when she got unwell.

The sentence “No one cares about me” is something I would start to say early during my early teens. The time when my mum got unwell. My depression was more linked to my dad and friends and other small things I was doing due to my sensitivity/empathetic nature which accumulated. I always had my mum thought to count on, and at a time when I needed her a lot (my depression), she was not available. Her trauma along with other things, which I might have already thought was not common came up too. Plus everything else. There was a lot going on and it involved my whole family eventually, but like I said once before I talked about all this already. With a therapist and each individual family member. I am cutting this short because I just wanted to show that there is a misunderstanding about the situation with my mum. Maybe that belief of “nobody care about me” formed in between my childhood (0-18 years). As longs as I had my mom, I was fine, but when she was not available it really did feel like I had no one. My mum has always been the most “constant” person around me. My dad was sometimes at work in different countries, since we moved a lot my friend circle kept changing, we moved early away from my birth city, so seeing kinship became less too, and there are times where my siblings were put in different schools.

There is something though that I do get mad about when I talk about my experiences. At first, I could not clearly name the emotion that came along when I explain my experiences and people try to give feedback or comments to justify my emotions. I get upset when people get angry at my mum and judge her to not be a good mum or blaming her (saying things like “she should not have done that”). I logically understand what they are saying, but I also get frustrated at what they are feeling towards my mum at that moment. Their feelings come across as anger or rage sometimes. If I were to put a level scale for the anger it would go like this frustrated >  mad > angry > rage

They do not know her whole story, nor mine, or any other’s family member’s story, and how things are linked and connected. It is like they are putting too many expectations on her, or other family members who are parents, which contradicts with the idea of not having to be perfect, but being okay to make mistakes. I feel like society expects parents to be perfect even when there are blog posts, quotes, books about not having to be perfect. Next, the expectations fall upon adults. It makes becoming an adult an unwanted thing for me. When I was turning 18, I honestly said I could have stopped again at 17 years old. I did not drive, did not drink, did not like 18pg rated movies, did not smoke so anything that other teens are happy about to do legally and by themselves when turning 18 did not apply to me. I felt like I was just getting more responsibilities from society. The state sends a letter to citizen when they turn 18 congratulating them and being a full-fledged adult citizen that is able to vote and pay taxes.

My mum makes mistakes, but she has changed and learned from them. When she got unwell it was not easy for her, but she was trying. There was no one else there to help, no friends, language barriers so no professional help, my dad had tons of things going on and between the two it was tense at that time, she only had me who she trusted and felt safe to talk to. Doctors that she went to, well they prescribed the wrong medication which made her condition worse. And given all the other things that happened or needed to be taken care of, I honestly to this day do not see who could have supported her beside me. We were in Cuba at that time, oceans away from any sort of family, but family drifted away before then with passing years of us moving to Cuba. (There were still yearly visits though).

At her worst, she still managed to do things like cook for us, hug us, laundry. It is not easy seeing your mother perish and being put in a position between parents. Both of them had things to deal with and parts of the trauma that came up were between the two, which happened before my birth and very early on. This was the third time I saw her cry, and those were the tears that I saw when I was two.

There are definitively things which our parents could not teach us because they were not taught nor had anyone to teach them. They include emotional communication or expressing needs/ putting yourself first. When I say parents this extends my aunts (mum’s side) and my dad. Their childhood was definitely not easy and we did not hear much about it when we were younger, but some things do slip through or get notified when you start comparing yourself with others in kindergarten or primary school. My mom and her mom and siblings come from an abusive childhood with tons of moving, not being accepted, some dealing with illnesses – it is amazing what they went through and have accomplished. They never tried to say anything because they found that it was nothing to tell a child. They have changed throughout the years. Not perfect but learning along the way. Sure, emotional needs we not met to our expectations/needs (my older cousins feel the same way). But that is the thing – our expectations/needs, which come from comparisons from what we saw around us. It is different for each of us, for me, I have to say my emotional needs got met a lot as a kid from my mum. Decreased when my mom got unwell. It felt like losing my best friend (my mum was my best friend) along with slowly losing my mom as I saw her light diminish.

Our family is probably one of the most accepting families I know because they know what it is like not to be accepted, to have to stand on your own. With the experiences they went through, they also do not know how to receive support and help well, which was something I have been doing too, and most likely other family members as well.

My mum is an over-giver, I most likely learned overgiving from her. She has lost herself and it was still seen after she got better/more stable. That is painful to watch, especially because she was so cheerful and bright. Had so much energy in her. That just decreased over time. She was trying to help us much as possible when she got better, be more present for us, but was limited for her own lack of self-love and self-worth. Over the years, there were moments when I saw her – the supermum; they were always occurred at times when she suddenly had to take care of all of us kids and do a favor for my dad; when she was occupied helping us with our needs. Asking her what she wanted and needed did not help much, as she did not know much either. When she started being able to realize that it became harder for us (family) to speak to her or even ask for needs she became even quieter, hoping not to be a burden.

It might also help to know that when we left Cuba, or better said fleed for which I had almost given no answers to; it went like this, “we are leaving tomorrow forever.”It was hard to believe considering one of my aunts and her kids were staying over for a visit. Their vacation was cut short, but maybe they were not too surprised because they saw that my mum had changed drastically upon arrival. My dad had to stay in Cuba for another two years for work. Our arrival back home was messy and disappointing. I am not going into details, but today, after one year of getting information from tons of people to help put some puzzle together in the story, it could have been avoided. With more honest communication and being able to emotionally communicate I honestly think many traumas could have been avoided, for me and other family members. In fact, I even had to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and the bad timing of other events that happened. But well, it is what it is.

My mum and I are very alike. I once told her I did not want to end up like her when she eagerly wanted me to share my thoughts because she knew I was keeping things in. It hurt both of us when I said it. I apologized immediately and she also understood where I was coming from at the time I said those words. She couldn’t remember, like other things that happened and what she said when she was too unwell. When I told her last year, she was trying so hard not to cry and she apologized and never meant it and said that she was not fully herself. I know she never meant it and that she was not fully herself.

What I would still like to add in this reply. My mom (as well as aunts to their children) have something in common. They all say they could never forgive themselves if we (kids) do not follow our dreams and go our own pathways, they shall not be the ones holding us back. It is difficult to experience family drifting apart and each having different packets to heal from. My older cousins said when they were trying to comfort me or give me advice (they visited me on my birthday last year) “go away from family as far as possible. The younger generation kids will do this a lot quicker than we did.” That statement hurt. They have their own things to heal from. Yet ironically I wonder if they know that their mums agree on that, that they should do their own thing. In the family, I have heard from almost everybody’s pain something about. Then again I am used to it from strangers, classmates, neighbors as well since I was a kid.

They ( our parents) are acknowledging that fact, and continue to support us the way they can. They will keep telling us to not give up, to believe in ourselves as they believe in us.

I think there is love, but it is not fully flowing, because they are giving love from a place that is not in abundance. The whole family has it, and anyone could agree with some of the illnesses that go around and things experienced by everyone makes self-love and taking care of yourself first not easy. Some of our parents cannot express verbal love to the person directly, because they simply do not know how, but will express it in another way. They have improved over the years and with us kids starting to take our healing journey (my oldest cousin started with therapy, I followed next) and sharing about healing and learning to communicate our feelings better it is starting to trickle down to other members. I feel a lot closer to my family again. My mum and I have weekly calls since January and she is starting to speak up a bit about her feelings. My sister and I were always close, but now we also communicate feelings a lot better. Since I have taken a protective role for my siblings, she said that she now understands me better and the things I have been going through. My brother and I communicate a lot more than we used to. The same goes for my dad, finally. And he finally heard me, like fully. (In fact, I think that is something I also wanted, for my dad to hear me fully; it happened last week). But what it is, even more, there is more communication and activity between them (parents and siblings) even when I am not around.

The way I see it, you have to fill your needs first before you can give from a place from abundance. It is natural to take and things like compassion are a choice, which is beautiful. You can be compassionate and give to others, but if your own cup is too empty and you feel like it is not enough, then you can potentially start to fill with bitterness/depression/etc. To get these emotions out you also have to be able to rely on yourself to give yourself what you need, because if you are waiting for someone to fill your needs, it can easily lead to co-dependence, and when the person cannot give you what you need anymore it might even hurt more to feel a void again. It might sound cold at first, but the image I have in my mind is that of a ballerina doing pique arabesque. It comes from a place of understanding and wishing that everyone learns to love themselves and make themselves a priority before extending that love to others.

It is difficult, but it is possible I believe.  I am trying and hoping that others follow suit, including family members.

anita, while I know that I have not given my whole life story, but I think one can see that there there was/is lots of trauma for each individual family member and each one is simply trying to make the next generation’s life better, filled with less sadness. The problem is, that we would first have to heal ourselves to provide from a place of abundance.

By the way, I know this is not how a child would speak. However, I hope my message was comprehensible and shed more clarity on my life.

Kibou