So, i ll first answer to Teak’s question

What seems to me so far is that as a child, you were rather withdrawn and anxious and didn’t have many close friends

Yes thats true, but I wasnt really withdrawn in any way, the problem was myschool

All the insecurities that I developed in the 10year period of my school life was because I was a part of a school where the environment wasnt very friendly.

When I try to think about it,

I remember how I used to not be so good in sports and out of the love for outdoor games, I used to still participate in them, only to be treated in a mean way by my fellow batchmates, because they didnt feel I fitted with them.

I was good in studies always and other things too, so I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.

But I remember how I used to feel trouble sleeping at night during those interhouse sports selection days

Because I used to feel really anxious during that time and used to feel that the girls(who used to be mean to me) are actually way better than me in that game.

But I was just a kid then, so I didnt used to hold on to anything as such and also, during my school life, my education was moreof, something that I pursue because I enjoy it and their wasnt really any pressure on me, neither from my family nor my own.

But eventually when I started preparing for my entrances during high school,things changed for me.

I had injured my leg while dancing in the second month at high school and had to stay on bed rest for around 2 months, the time when other kids had already started off with preparation and had joined some or the other coaching. This incident is after which I started losing my mind.

I just couldnt go back to being relaxed.. And thanks to a few toxic friends(i didnt know the concept of toxic friends then, so I never really tried cutting contact with any one of em during that period, and it had impacted my preparation A LOT negatively) , they had a very negative competitive nature.. I used to feel that I am so behind on the syllabus that I would never make it.

So basically I realised that the problem was, in the ten years of my school life at xyz school, i ended up developing a fear of competition I guess. Now it might be due to the environment at my school, that i got conditioned in that way, but now what?

How should I stop getting stuck in every little problem of my life please help.. I get a feeling that I might be in need of a therapist, but I wont be able tp convince my family for the same.. And even if Ido, its real hard to find the right therapist so I wont be doing that atleast until I am done with my college

I dont know if I should even write about these extremely personal things on a public forum, i hope no one figures out😓