Dear Ishita,

if I understood well, you excelled at school, at all subjects but sports. But you loved outdoor games, so you participated in them, even though you were treated badly by your batchmates who “didn’t feel you fitted with them.”

I was good in studies always and other things too, so I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.

But I remember how I used to feel trouble sleeping at night during those interhouse sports selection days

Because I used to feel really anxious during that time and used to feel that the girls(who used to be mean to me) are actually way better than me in that game.

Was there a selection involved, like only the best players were selected to play for a team, and you weren’t selected? Or how did it go?

In any case, it appears you were very anxious for being rejected and criticized by those school mates of yours, who didn’t want you on their team, I suppose?

But since you were still excellent at other subjects, you didn’t allow this to ruin your self-confidence completely (I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.)

However, when the time for college entrance exams came, you had bad luck and hurt your leg, and were 2 months behind others in preparations.

And thanks to a few toxic friends(i didnt know the concept of toxic friends then, so I never really tried cutting contact with any one of em during that period, and it had impacted my preparation A LOT negatively) , they had a very negative competitive nature.. I used to feel that I am so behind on the syllabus that I would never make it.

Your school mates would probably report to you what’s going on in classes, maybe telling you how super competitive is, how they have to work hard, and if you’re behind even one week, not to mention 2 months, you’re doomed to fail. Is this what was going on? You started to fear that you – the best student in class – would now fail and be left behind.

This is where your anxiety really started to kick in, because now it was about your whole identity, not just about one side of you, which is sports. You said earlier that being “the smartest kid in the class, being really fast” was what defined you, what you identified with. It seems to me you based your self-esteem on it. If it turns out you’re not super smart after all, that you’re just average and there are other, smarter kids than you – then it means you’re nothing special. Is this how you were viewing it?

At the same time, you say:

during my school life, my education was moreof, something that I pursue because I enjoy it and their wasnt really any pressure on me, neither from my family nor my own.

You didn’t feel pressured by your parents to perform well in school. So it’s not that they made you feel bad if you weren’t a straight-A student. Learning came naturally to you, you were smart and enjoyed school, and good marks were a natural result. You weren’t pressured by your parents.

But somehow, when the pressure of competition was introduced, you suddenly became self-conscious and started questioning yourself. It’s like this new, competitive environment made you aware of a harsh world out there, from which you had been  protected till then, and suddenly, you lost your place in it. If you’re not the smartest kid in the class, then what are you?

It appears that this confusion lasts till this day. You did say that you understand you worried too much back then:

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

But it appears you’re still struggling, cannot find your place, cannot regain that self-confidence you had as a child. At 17 you started believing you’re not special, and you still believe it. Your feeling special is linked to your school performance, it seems to me. I believe you would need to disentangle the two, and realize you are special, regardless of your academic performance. How does that sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.