Dear DaveF,

thank your for your words of appreciation, I am very happy I could help.

I think the most important right now is that you’re aware of what’s going on and that the situation with your girlfriend reminds you of your childhood and is triggering the old wounds. It seems that by simply being aware of it and understanding it, you’re already finding some inner strength and aren’t feeling so lost and helpless.

You did have a challenging childhood, with your father divorcing your mother when you were very little, and you only getting to know him when you were around 2,5-3 years old. Just this fact alone made it difficult for you to bond with him, and on top of that came his character, the fact that he didn’t know how to behave around children (didn’t even want to have one) and was impatient and angry for you simply being a child.

I constantly fought for my fathers approval and didn’t feel I ever had it.

You probably never felt good enough for your father, and this might be at the core of your beliefs “I won’t find someone who loves me like that” or “I won’t be able to manage on my own”. The first belief is that you’re difficult to love (which is how you felt with your father, I believe), and the second is that you’re incapable for success, that you’re not really able to manage things in life. This too might be originating from your father, criticizing you for dropping something, or when you couldn’t understand some difficult concept that he was explaining to you.

So it seems your feeling of insecurity and lack of trust in yourself comes from your father. While the guilt part comes from trying to make your mother happy, but never really succeeding because you couldn’t take away her sadness – because it wasn’t you who caused it in the first place. She was sad and was suffering because she had been betrayed by your father, who left her with a small child and had an affair with another woman. She wasn’t sad because she had you (you say she was very comforting and loving), but because your father betrayed her. Maybe it was also because she wasn’t a strong, self-confident person, so she couldn’t move on but got stuck in the pain and sorrow and pitying herself.

If so, it was impossible to make her happy and take away her pain, but you still tried, and failed, and then blamed yourself for not succeeding. That’s a typical child’s reaction to their parent’s pain – they blame themselves. Now that I think about it, perhaps a part of your lack of trust in yourself stems from this inability to make your mother happy, no matter how hard you tried? This might have contributed to your depression too.

With your best friends rejecting you in time of need, perhaps it triggers the pain of the little boy who felt rejected and not welcome by his father? If so, try to connect to that little boy and tell him that he’s loved and appreciated and that you welcome him with open arms. Try to be a big brother to that little boy, try to be his protector and spokesperson. See how that goes. The more love, appreciation and encouragement you can give to that little boy, the easier it will be for you moving forward.

I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to be aware of that hurt little boy inside of you, and that his needs weren’t met. Don’t blame him but try to have compassion for him, embrace him and represent his interests whenever you can. And let us know how it goes 🙂