Dear anita,

the main source of distraction is the internet. Often I scroll or watch videos for hours, not feeling happy with myself but still it is hard to stop. What do I think or feel? Hard to say, maybe it is dread to start the task I have to do. Drawing is harder than watching a video. Sometimes I also want to do so many things, have so many ideas that I have a hard time deciding what to do then I end up doing nothing. Then I feel bad about myself for wasting time.

Yesterday it would not even been so hard to continue on my project. The composition was already for the most part ready in my head, the colors were already chosen. So I didnot even have to think so hard, still I distracted myself. My therapist sometimes asked me: what is the source of this? Why am I not “allowing” myself to be successful? (something like that)

Often I also work on the less important projects that we shouldn’t spend so much time on. I do spend lots of time on them, too much time! Maybe because they are easier to do, as they don’t have to be perfect, finished projects. Maybe I still want to make everything perfect. Recently I came to the conclusion that this is very ineffective.

Maybe it is also because I am spending too much time alone and my life is not balanced. My therapist once said that if I spend more time with friends, I will also get more of my illustration work done. (her theory)

Today I actually did work on one of my collages after work. So that was good. Let’s see if I can do some more now.

Tomorrow I should definitely be able to finish it. But I also want to go for a walk or something.

Until then!