Hi, TeaK-

It is so kind of you to ask- I’ll do my best to answer.

One obstacle that I face in talking about these feelings is that I fear I’m not justified in having them. I haven’t been shot at, haven’t witnessed atrocities. I’m a veteran and I was taught about PTSD in that context- that it happens to heroes in combat. I haven’t “earned” that label, a voice inside me insists, and I feel guilty about my own feelings as a result.

My parents divorced, loudly and hatefully, when I was a child. It’s something I’ve never faced down or fully processed. If my pain were stored in a container, you could say that my container has been 95% full since I was just a kid. It doesn’t take much for it to overflow and ruin everything.

I’ve been subject to a seemingly endless series  of traumatic events over the past three years- natural disasters (yes, plural) have destroyed many of the things that were important to me. I lost a loved one. I lost my life savings, trying to start a business and make everything right again. I ended up in rehab- alcohol had helped, until it didn’t. It’s just been one failure after another, with the planet itself taking shots at me for good measure.

I don’t have anywhere to put all of the pain that I feel. There’s no room. I can’t face these events. I can’t look at them. I can’t live in reality- I’m just some shattered thing wearing a Ben costume and acting my way through the day.

This is the first time that I’ve tried to write about it. I’ll reiterate, with sincerity: thank you for asking.

Ben