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Struggling badly

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  • #380695
    Sparky64
    Participant

    Hello all – I know many of you are going through difficult times, but I am reaching out for help.  Some background – I came from a very abusive family, and have PTSD because of it, and the memories haunt me.  An alcoholic father that walked away without a backwards glance, an emotionally abusive mother who kicked me out as a teen, and a violent brother.  I have no extended family, so I am alone.  My last boyfriend at times is extremely neglectful, especially when I need help – if things are going well, he’s great, and I have kept him in my life because he is a good listener.  But if I struggle, he freezes, and is no help.  I know a lot of people, but no one I am close to.  My past has affected me badly – I get hurt easily, feel abandoned easily, and I often feel used.  I have been struggling with deep loneliness for weeks, and today has been particularly bad, and I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.  Bottom line – I feel like a complete loser, and that I was this universal mistake that shouldn’t be here.  I ache all the time.  Many know I have no family, but they don’t reach out, and when I do, I don’t hear back, or they are too busy.  I am trying today to “ground” myself, and am trying not to dwell on these negative thoughts, but I am losing that battle.  Please, no judgement.  I am a decent person, who has tried to be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend and friend, and it hurts that I am still so alone.  Any words of encouragement would help, and asking for help is something I find very hard to do.  Thanking you all in advance.

    #380697

    I think you need to look at how far you’ve come. You’ve overcome so much. You are not your past. You are not the bad things that happened. They weren’t your fault. If people are only half in and half out with you, that’s not a real relationship. If you are seeking support, this is a great start. There are also facebook support groups to look into such as for  PTSD. https://www.facebook.com/groups/WmnwPTSDUnitedSupportGroup is one> i’m not in it so I don’t know if it’s good but just search “ptsd support” under groups to find more. Keep reaching out. You can find local ones too. I would also recommend a therapist to help you with your suicidal feelings. It’s okay to ask for help. If you feel like you are drowning, it’s time to ask for help. Coming here is a great place to start, to get some support, but do tell a professional that you’re feeling this way.

    I get lonely a lot too. I don’t have many close friends even though I’m very social. My family isn’t super close either and Ihave trauma as well from some of them. I grew up with no one to talk to or turn to. So I get what you are feeling. I recommend the book Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. It helped me when I was at rock bottom.

    You are not alone even though you feel like it. You are worth it.

    List out some things you like about yourself.

    List out some positive affirmations.

    List out some gratitude things. “I am grateful that I have made it this far…”

    Try anxiety journaling where you write what you are anxious about for ten to twenty minutes to get it all about. This is also called worry journaling.

    Here’s a meditation I love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8

    Try escaping as well. Do something just for fun. When is the last time you really laughed or smiled? What were you doing?This might sound silly but I watch prank videos lol 🙂 I like Impractical Jokers a lot.

    Remember that this feeling will not last. Come here, reach out to support groups on facebook and in person, go to your therapist and try these coping skills I have listed. Read that book if you get a chance. 🙂

    I know it’s hard right now, but better days are coming. You just have to know you’re worth it. And you are.

    #380698
    Sparky64
    Participant

    Thank you, Sarah Jeanne.  I agree that a therapist would be helpful.  I had one up until a few months ago, but because of the pandemic, her time seemed to get more and more limited, and I guess decided to end her private practice, and our professional relationship ended.  I am presently looking, but hard to find one that I can afford.  I will absolutely look up the book you suggested, and I can see that the “worry journaling” could help as well.  And you worded it perfectly – I do feel like I am drowning.

    #380756
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sparky64:

    I am sorry that you suffer from PTSD, following the traumatic abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, mother and brother, and that the therapist you had until a few months ago ended her private practice. If you would like to share more about your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the symptoms you suffered from when diagnosed, treatment you received since, and symptoms now- please do. I will read without judgment (“Please, no  judgment”, you asked) and reply to you empathetically.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #380743
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    One thing i have learnt struggling with depression is that your mind is the your biggest enemy.  First of all you have to realize that most of the things you feel are not even real.  That’s your mind jumping into protection mode and trying to protect you from what it got used while growing up. deal with whatever emotions you are feeling. don’t be afraid to let them out. be grateful you have left the abuse in the past. Go to a local YWCA. They are more helpful than you realize.  Maybe a relationship is not the best thing for you at the moment. You need to redevelop a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself all over again.  Only then can you be of use to anyone else let alone be able to have a healthy relationship.  What you have right now is a co-dependence on your boyfriend and that’s why he freezes up when you are going through one of your spells. It must be a lot on him too.  one day at a time.. Don’t try to think way ahead. don’t plan way ahead and stop comparing yourself to others and just do you.

     

    Good luck,

    weepy willow

    #380959
    Ben
    Participant

    Hello, Sparky-

    I’d like you to know that I created an account here because of your post. You have described with great clarity the feelings that I myself am having. I feel a little less alone this morning, because of you, and I’m so grateful.

    I also suffer from PTSD. I’m just now learning to talk about it and to express how, like a shard of glass in my mind, it is ever-present and ever-painful. It’s an infection which has spread into every minute of every day. I am not myself anymore.

    Nothing has helped me so far. Maybe engaging with an online community will do me some good. I will follow your example and try.

    Thank you so much for posting.

    Ben

     

     

     

     

     

    #380968
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Ben,

    I am sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much. Would you like to share some more? What caused your PTSD, since when have you been suffering from it, or anything else you may want to share? Is there something happening in your life at the moment that makes you feel overwhelmed (It’s an infection which has spread into every minute of every day) and not being yourself any more?

     

    #381050
    Ben
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi, TeaK-</p>
    It is so kind of you to ask- I’ll do my best to answer.

    One obstacle that I face in talking about these feelings is that I fear I’m not justified in having them. I haven’t been shot at, haven’t witnessed atrocities. I’m a veteran and I was taught about PTSD in that context- that it happens to heroes in combat. I haven’t “earned” that label, a voice inside me insists, and I feel guilty about my own feelings as a result.

    My parents divorced, loudly and hatefully, when I was a child. It’s something I’ve never faced down or fully processed. If my pain were stored in a container, you could say that my container has been 95% full since I was just a kid. It doesn’t take much for it to overflow and ruin everything.

    I’ve been subject to a seemingly endless series  of traumatic events over the past three years- natural disasters (yes, plural) have destroyed many of the things that were important to me. I lost a loved one. I lost my life savings, trying to start a business and make everything right again. I ended up in rehab- alcohol had helped, until it didn’t. It’s just been one failure after another, with the planet itself taking shots at me for good measure.

    I don’t have anywhere to put all of the pain that I feel. There’s no room. I can’t face these events. I can’t look at them. I can’t live in reality- I’m just some shattered thing wearing a Ben costume and acting my way through the day.

     

    This is the first time that I’ve tried to write about it. I’ll reiterate, with sincerity: thank you for asking.

    Ben

     

    #381081
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Ben,

    you’re very welcome. I see you feel some shame around suffering from PTSD since you say you haven’t experienced war trauma directly. But in fact, there’s a subset of PTSD, called complex PTSD, which occurs as a result of repeated, “smaller” traumatic events, like having a difficult childhood. Complex PTSD (c-PTSD) is also called developmental trauma, because it happens during our formative years and it affects our adult life significantly.

    So don’t feel “less than” or unworthy of calling yourself a trauma survivor. Because that’s what you are – a trauma survivor. A nasty divorce and everything that preceded and followed it can definitely cause trauma for the child caught in the middle…

    On top of that came recent losses and tragedies in your life, which spilled your cup of pain and you cannot contain it any more. You cannot bear it, it’s too much for you. I totally understand.

    You say “Nothing has helped me so far.” Have you tried therapy, and if so, what type? You said you went to rehab too. How is it now with your drinking? Do you have some support, e.g. are you participating in a support group?

    I think it would be best if you’d start a new topic, so that we keep this thread for Sparky64, if she wants to return to it and share some more.  To started a new topic, go to Forums-> All Forums-> then pick a Category (e.g. Tough Times), and then New Topic.

    I would love to hear more from you.

     

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