I think you need to look at how far you’ve come. You’ve overcome so much. You are not your past. You are not the bad things that happened. They weren’t your fault. If people are only half in and half out with you, that’s not a real relationship. If you are seeking support, this is a great start. There are also facebook support groups to look into such as for  PTSD. https://www.facebook.com/groups/WmnwPTSDUnitedSupportGroup is one> i’m not in it so I don’t know if it’s good but just search “ptsd support” under groups to find more. Keep reaching out. You can find local ones too. I would also recommend a therapist to help you with your suicidal feelings. It’s okay to ask for help. If you feel like you are drowning, it’s time to ask for help. Coming here is a great place to start, to get some support, but do tell a professional that you’re feeling this way.

I get lonely a lot too. I don’t have many close friends even though I’m very social. My family isn’t super close either and Ihave trauma as well from some of them. I grew up with no one to talk to or turn to. So I get what you are feeling. I recommend the book Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. It helped me when I was at rock bottom.

You are not alone even though you feel like it. You are worth it.

List out some things you like about yourself.

List out some positive affirmations.

List out some gratitude things. “I am grateful that I have made it this far…”

Try anxiety journaling where you write what you are anxious about for ten to twenty minutes to get it all about. This is also called worry journaling.

Here’s a meditation I love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8

Try escaping as well. Do something just for fun. When is the last time you really laughed or smiled? What were you doing?This might sound silly but I watch prank videos lol 🙂 I like Impractical Jokers a lot.

Remember that this feeling will not last. Come here, reach out to support groups on facebook and in person, go to your therapist and try these coping skills I have listed. Read that book if you get a chance. 🙂

I know it’s hard right now, but better days are coming. You just have to know you’re worth it. And you are.

Dear Sparky64:

I am sorry that you suffer from PTSD, following the traumatic abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, mother and brother, and that the therapist you had until a few months ago ended her private practice. If you would like to share more about your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the symptoms you suffered from when diagnosed, treatment you received since, and symptoms now- please do. I will read without judgment (“Please, no  judgment”, you asked) and reply to you empathetically.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .

Hello, Sparky-

I’d like you to know that I created an account here because of your post. You have described with great clarity the feelings that I myself am having. I feel a little less alone this morning, because of you, and I’m so grateful.

I also suffer from PTSD. I’m just now learning to talk about it and to express how, like a shard of glass in my mind, it is ever-present and ever-painful. It’s an infection which has spread into every minute of every day. I am not myself anymore.

Nothing has helped me so far. Maybe engaging with an online community will do me some good. I will follow your example and try.

Thank you so much for posting.

Ben

Hi, TeaK-

It is so kind of you to ask- I’ll do my best to answer.

One obstacle that I face in talking about these feelings is that I fear I’m not justified in having them. I haven’t been shot at, haven’t witnessed atrocities. I’m a veteran and I was taught about PTSD in that context- that it happens to heroes in combat. I haven’t “earned” that label, a voice inside me insists, and I feel guilty about my own feelings as a result.

My parents divorced, loudly and hatefully, when I was a child. It’s something I’ve never faced down or fully processed. If my pain were stored in a container, you could say that my container has been 95% full since I was just a kid. It doesn’t take much for it to overflow and ruin everything.

I’ve been subject to a seemingly endless series  of traumatic events over the past three years- natural disasters (yes, plural) have destroyed many of the things that were important to me. I lost a loved one. I lost my life savings, trying to start a business and make everything right again. I ended up in rehab- alcohol had helped, until it didn’t. It’s just been one failure after another, with the planet itself taking shots at me for good measure.

I don’t have anywhere to put all of the pain that I feel. There’s no room. I can’t face these events. I can’t look at them. I can’t live in reality- I’m just some shattered thing wearing a Ben costume and acting my way through the day.

This is the first time that I’ve tried to write about it. I’ll reiterate, with sincerity: thank you for asking.

Ben