Dear Ilyana,

good to hear from you. It’s interesting and may even be a good sign that you had somewhat of a manic episode, where you’ve livened up and started having romantic feelings. This hasn’t happened since your son was born, so perhaps it means something positive. It may mean you’re feeling hope again that things can be different in your life:

it also reminded me what it feels like when someone actually likes you and wants to talk to you. If I am going to be in a relationship, I need to feel that way sometimes, and I can see that that is not an unreasonable desire.

You’re also aware of your deeper need:

I miss feeling seen and valued and like someone actually has a bit of faith in me.

You’ve never received that from your mother – she was so consumed with hating your father that she sacrificed your emotional well-being for that. She sacrificed her own health too. For a long time during childhood, you believed your father rejected you and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. You felt unlovable and unworthy. No wonder you have the need to feel loved and seen and valued. During the depressive phase, I guess you give up the hope that this would ever be possible, and during the manic phase, it seems this hope reawakens.

You say your husband is emotionally unresponsive, and yet you married him. Could it be because at least he wasn’t so obsessed with hating other people like your mother was? Perhaps his lack of emotions felt better than having strong negative emotions all the time, like your mother did?

It could be that your choice of husband was a reaction to your mother, a way to protect yourself from emotional abuse. But it’s not good enough, because you don’t want to live without emotional expression altogether.

The solution would be the same that we’ve talked about in the beginning of this thread – to give yourself the love and appreciation you’re hoping to get from others. Easier said than done, I know… What are you working on in your therapy at the moment? How are you progressing with self-love and self-compassion?