Dear Charlotte:

I submitted my yesterday post to you before re-reading your June- August 2020 posts on this thread. I did this afternoon, and following my reading it is very clear to me that it is an excellent idea that you drop the considerations for a second child for good, not based on my position about children, but based on your mental health and personal/ world situation. I have a few comments following my today re-reading:

July 2020, you wrote: “I want to be able to be at peace with just one (child) ..without feeling like I’m lacking”- well, quite frankly, it’s quite impossible for you to not feel that you are lacking, to not regret, and to be at peace with making any major choice because, as you wrote, August 2020 : “I am definitely one of those people who is inclined to regret/ feel guilty about things. I think it’s due to the way I was raised and my 12 years of strict Catholic education.. my mother and father.. always expected me to be perfect and were always very opinionated about everything I said or did. I always felt like I was letting them down and still struggle with wanting their approval to this day”-

– what you always felt strongly=> you likely to always feel, to one extent or another.

2) About your mother: “My own mother is a very stressed out person, but whenever I express having anxiety about something, her response has always been to ‘stop making a mountain out of a molehill'”- she has been telling you to do what she has been unable to do/ what is impossible for a very anxious person to do (and which is therefore, unwise to suggest to a very anxious person): to.. just get over it.

Similarly, your former therapist pushed you “to have the second child sooner rather than later, because it’s looming over my head anyway so I might as well get it over with.. She said all the fears I have about pregnancy, childbirth, newborn stage (as well as concerns I have over the state of the world and country) are just fears that I’m letting run my life and I need to get over them and accept whatever comes”- I bet she has been unable to get over her own fears, I bet she has been unable to accept whatever comes, but she thinks she should, and therefore, that you should too. Your mother and former therapist simply repeated to you what they were told, and in turn, you repeat to yourself, what they told you.

Fast forward, June 2021: “Long story short, my parents object to my sister’s boyfriend for a variety of reasons but also because he is black.. and my Dad is so upset about it, he has been admitted to the hospital several times for heart issues due to extreme stress”- his extreme stress most likely, has a lot more to do with his wife/ your mother being “a very stressed out person” than with his daughter’s choice of a boyfriend (He lives with his wife, not with his daughter and her boyfriend).

3) Your anxiety, June 2020: “My anxiety since becoming a mother hit record heights.. I’m starting to feel a lot better.. In theory I would like a 2nd child.. but the thought of going through pregnancy, childbirth, the newborn stage again, all while taking care of my son, sends me into a near panic attack every time”. June 2021: “I also worry that my mental health won’t be able to handle the family drama, the pregnancy issues, and also be a present and happy mom for my son”- I agree that your mental health is not likely to handle a second pregnancy, child birth, new baby.. and still take good care of your son.

“Overall, my anxiety had been much better the past few months. Trump was no longer president, and we were finding our way out of the pandemic”- your anxiety gets better, then worse.. then better and it is affected by family drama, politics and local/ world events. Take advantage of your current few months relief from anxiety to prepare to what comes next that you cannot control (politics.. Trump is still very much.. there), instead of creating unnecessary stress for yourself.

June 2020: “Right now I am pretty confident that I can be a loving and calm mother to my son, and I fear that a second child might make things a lot more stressful for me”- I agree.

June 2021: “I am 33 years old so I feel I can’t push this issue of a 2nd child off for too much longer”- you can push it off permanently. It’s okay. It will be better for you, for your son and for your husband.

anita

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