I am going to encourage you to actually read a variety of news sources and don’t take anyone’s opinion for anything political in the USA. People often disagree about things political but that doesn’t mean we have to hate each other or do the old blame and criticize game. Learn to think for yourself.  I encourage you to not just watch the mainstream news but to listen to a variety of radio shows, read a variety of news organizations and start to recognize when stuff is a personal attack. People should give examples, and figure out for yourself is this is a lie. Find good news sources that are not opinion, and yes it is hard to find these. The flip of the script that Orange Man is bad is that a Biden presidency has its own scary issues. You have corruption with that man with China and his son,  Hunter. You have his poor cognitive functioning, someone will be controlling him. Ms. Harris has her own corruption issues, she was pro police and locking up criminals before now, and both Biden and Harris and Trump are multi-millionaires if not billionaires. I heard it said recently that we are all being fed a hoax in our country. If we examine the history of our public policy in the USA, we see that neither of our political parties have truly had the people’s well being at the forefront. Some say that Trump is hated by the media so much because he isn’t a true politician, he is his own thinker and he does what he thinks is right rather than playing the game of doing nothing for the people. The Dems play the Repubs and the Repubs blame the Dems — but what if neither party is doing anything for us. The blame of Trump is merely a smoke screen to get people to not be objective and not look behind the curtain and figure out reality from falsehoods. Every action has both bad and good in it. Nothing is 100% anything. Those who have power in our country are not looking after the little people, the you and me people, which is why they scream that this one is bad or that one is bad. We have to think deeper and reason things out. Actually listen to the upcoming debates and listen to what the candidate say in their speeches. Question things, for example why is an issue an issue, what is the for and the against as we reason in our own minds. Listen to a debate or a political speech and say to yourself, is this simply criticizing someone personally or is this person able to talk policy and give facts, history, reasons? Again, my goal is for you to think for yourself and don’t take anyone else’s ideas as right or wrong.

Children can bring you much joy if this is what you want. The world is difficult right now for many people. The news we hear in the USA is mostly falsehoods. The lies and disrespect from one person to another is breaking our country apart. I do not think whomever is elected come November is a reason to not have a child, or to have a child. I admit I did not read this entire thread but I would say that the reason to have another child is because you want one and you feel ready to raise another. This may never be how you feel but it has to be true to what you think is best for your life. Knowing yourself and learning to examine things in life will give you more confidence and less anxiety. Your young one is still very young. Many people choose to wait until their kids are about 4-5-6 years apart, others think 2 years apart is ideal but that is like having two in diapers. If you feel you are a good parent and have more love to give, then I encourage you to do what is right for you according to your own decisions about what is right for your life. Best wishes.

Dear Charlotte:

I read your recent post before brunch, thought about my reply to you during brunch, and while cleaning after brunch, and this is my best effort at this time to provide a responsible and thorough reply:

1. Your choice to have a second child, or not, is a very personal choice. You will be the person living with the consequences of your choice, not me nor anyone else who may reply to you. Please keep this in mind.

2. If you choose to have a second child, you will regret your choice at times. If you choose to not have a second child, you will regret your choice at times. No matter what you choose, regret will follow. So, after you choose this or that, when you feel regret- please remind yourself that your regret does not indicate that you made the wrong choice.

If pregnant again, I imagine that you will regret the choice when feeling sick, when your son is not doing well, when you hear about the next mass shooting, and at other times. If you choose to not have another child, I imagine that you will regret it when you see a happy older mother with a toddler, or worse- with two young children, and when you hear someone say that your son must be lonely for being an only son, and at other times.

3. I need to give you my long-held position on having children (I don’t remember if I already shared it with you): by the time I was 20 (and not married or in a relationship), I made a lifetime choice to never bring a child (or children) into the world. My reason: I experienced a lot of emotional pain in the two decades prior to my decision, and didn’t want to bring a child into the world to experience anything close to the pain I experienced. I figured that if I was going to raise a child, better I adopt a child who .. already had the misfortune to being here.

If other members reply to you, better ask them to elaborate on their personal position on bringing children into the world, not just on having a second child. Then consider their advice in light of their pre-existing position (their long-held position before reading your story).

I will add to this point, that I grew up and lived until my mid twenties in a country that suffered instability, terrorism and war. I did not change my position when I moved to the U.S., even though at the time climate change was not big in the news, and mass shootings were rare, if they existed at all, and the U.S. democracy was strong and stable.

4. You mentioned Trump no longer being president. Unfortunately (!!!) he is The Power behind the Republican Party and (1) the Republicans may be back to being the majority in congress in 2022, (2) Trump or someone like him may become president in 2024, moving the U.S. toward autocracy, and allowing climate change and mass shootings to worsen with no interruption.

5. Climate change is not looking good in the U.K either (you mentioned living there as an option), and the  right wing rise is happening in Europe as well.

6. It is true that the world was never really great for children, but the current reality of climate change and the newer reality of the pandemic (and possibility of future pandemics) exists now in a way it never did: masses of people flying across the world in the last decades provide effective vehicles for dangerous  viruses to spread into a pandemic.

7. You were sick in your first pregnancy, likely to be sick in the second and that’s enough to increase your anxiety, and an increased anxiety will harm your ability to parent your first child well.

In summary: I think that having a second child is not a good idea.

anita

Dear Charlotte:

I came across two excellent websites on the topic: kids health. org/ parents/ second child, and healthline. com/ health/ pregnancy/ second child making a decision,

as well as an interesting discussion on reddit. com/ have a 2nd baby or no?

And I came across an interesting article on medium. com/ a parent is born, which is very interesting to me as it fits with a lot of what you shared. It reads: “Strangers sometimes ask, ‘Is she your only one?.. Are you planning on having another?’ And then they explain all the reasons why we should have a second child. My husband gets annoyed and always says to me later in private, ‘Are they going to change the baby’s diaper? Raise the baby for eighteen years? Pay for the college education? OK then — people need to quit asking!’..

“I don’t get why people don’t know by now: it’s insensitive to ask anyone what their family growth plans are, unless they offer this information…. ‘Bearing children’ is a delicate topic, and you don’t know everyone’s story, so no one should treat ‘having a kid’ or ‘having another’ as easy — or ‘the thing to do’, like picking up the latest handbag in fashion to add to a collection.

“My husband and I feel blessed to have our daughter, who is now five. She’s so cute, loving, smart, and funny. She’s our pride and joy, and we make sure she knows this every day. Did we always only want one kid? No. We used to talk about having two. My husband has a brother, and I have several siblings, so we’d always figured something like two kids would be perfect.

“However, once I birthed our daughter and we experienced the day-in, day-out sacrifices of parenthood, we had to have several serious conversations about whether or not we wanted to raise another kid. We were ‘out of the trenches’, so to speak! She was already in daycare, done with the addictive pacifier, potty-trained, and sleep-trained in her own bed . . . did we really want to start all over again with a new baby’s needs? Also, didn’t we already feel ‘complete’, with our one beautiful, healthy kid?

“Yes. Yes, we do feel complete. Trust that we have had MANY conversations to ensure this is how we truly feel…”

Back to your most recent post: “our dining room table is a rectangle shape that sits four people, so we have four chairs. But with the 3 of us, one part is always empty, and sometimes I look at the table as if a member of the family is missing because I see the empty spot. And it’s like a longing for that member… No one I ever hear about ever seems as torn as me”-

– first, seems to me that you are not the only one torn about the topic, second, notice the incomplete/ empty/missing/longing theme in the article I quoted from (“didn’t we already feel ‘complete’, with our one beautiful, healthy kid? Yes. Yes, we do feel complete”) and in what you shared right above, boldfaced by me:

I feel that my following input on this theme is the most important input I ever gave you on the topic of a 2nd child: this theme is not going to change if you have a 2nd child (or a 3rd or a 4th). This theme is part of the human condition, and it is especially acute in people who are more anxious than others.

There is a human longing to fill the emptiness we feel, to finally have that which is missing in our lives- to finally feel calm, satisfied, satiated, not wanting for anything. This longing is behind the human invention of heaven: we can’t be perfectly satisfied in this life..  but we can in the next, up there in heaven!

In this life, people try to satiate themselves in so many ways: over-indulging in food, drink, drugs, shopping, making more money, entering a relationship… and having a 2nd child. It is valid to eat, have some wine, take prescribed drugs responsibly.. and, for some- to have a second child, but not with the expectation that any of these things will resolve the innate human longing for that .. something-is-missing, something-just-isn’t-right.

anita

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