Hi Anita,

I definitely appreciate that you are as concerned about climate change as I am. I lot of people think I am too “extra” in that regard. I am vegetarian and am raising my son to be so too, and I try to minimize my plastic consumption and buy secondhand toys, but it’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel like everything I do isn’t enough at all. It is scary how it seems like the world is dying.

You asked an interesting question about my “pull” to have a second child…. in addition to the two things you highlighted, I suppose in my heart I do want a second, even though my head and anxieties give me a million reasons why I shouldn’t. If those fears weren’t there and I knew pregnancy would be manageable, I would choose it. Like, for example, this is kind of silly but our dining room table is a rectangle shape that sits four people, so we have four chairs. But with the 3 of us, one part is always empty, and sometimes I look at the table as if a member of the family is missing because I see the empty spot. And it’s like a longing for that member. But then I remember all the negative things I listed to you, and I get overwhelmed about what to do. It’s such a difficult decision and I really wonder how so many people seem to just be able to decide this stuff one way or the other. No one I ever hear about ever seems as torn as me. It’s always “no kids, no more kids, or I definitely want another.”

Thank you, Anita, as always! I hope you have a great night 🙂

Charlotte

Hi everyone (and especially Anita!),

I spoke primarily to Anita about this issue of whether to have a second child or not about a year ago. I wanted to update her about my current thoughts on the matter and receive her insight as best as she is able. Basically, my son is now almost 2.5 years old. I’m overall feeling much more confident about parenting than I was last year, although this has been a rough week for me due to potty training and a sleep regression. My husband and I had been thinking about trying for a second child later this summer. I’d been feeling more ready and capable, but then received some distressing family news that has my anxiety at higher levels again. I suppose my basic question, is are my anxiety levels too high to be in an emotionally healthy spot to have a second? If that makes sense….

To remind Anita, I had a really difficult pregnancy which included extreme nausea/vomiting I had to go to the hospital to be on IV fluids, and had to stay on medication for it the entire pregnancy. Among many other ailments. I assume the same would happen with a second pregnancy. Childbirth was also traumatic and resulted in an emergency c-section. I was told I would have to have a c-section in all subsequent pregnancies, although hopefully a scheduled one would be less traumatic than the one I had…. in theory at least.

Overall, my anxiety had been much better the past few months. Trump was no longer president, and we were finding our way out of the pandemic. But these family issues really go to me recently. Lond story short, my parents object to my sister’s boyfriend for a variety of reasons but also because he is black (I find it very upsetting that my parents are this racist). My sister is pretty much estranged from them now and my Dad is so upset about it, he has been admitted to the hospital several times for heart issues due to extreme stress. I know it’s not *my* issue per se, but it still affects me mentally. I wish it didn’t.

But anyway, I am 33 years old so I feel I can’t push this issue of a 2nd child off for too much longer. I don’t want my family issues to be the reason I don’t have a 2nd child, but I also worry that my mental health won’t be able to handle the family drama, the pregnancy issues, and also be a present and happy mom for my son. Very interested to know your thoughts, Anita and thank you so much in advance!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Charlie.

Hi Anita!

Thank you so much again for your insight. Wow, you have helped me so much over the years. I’ve been following your advice from a few weeks ago on trying to talk to little Charlotte and listen to what she needs with regards to her relationship with her parents and other things. Specifically, I purchased a journal about the shadow self and have been going through the exercises and prompts daily. Hopefully that will help me tune into her!

Regarding my therapist, thank you as well – this all makes sense. I think I will keep her for a couple months longer and see where life takes me. If I’m still feeling much better, I think I will take a break then. It is daunting to let go especially when your therapist hasn’t worked on creating a plan for afterwards, but as we discussed, I don’t have unlimited funds.

I am certainly very excited about the CDC guildelines too and it’s made me feel so much more optimistic about the future. I really hope it helps to encourage the rest of the population to get vaccinated too! Great news to have ahead of summer. 🙂

Charlotte

Hi Anita,

I will write more in a few days (I am away with my son for a few days so it’s been a busy travel week!), but wanted to pop in and say thank you so much for your response. I am writing in my journal after every session, so I can refer to it in the future after I leave therapy too. I do really wish my therapist gave me such a detailed plan, as yours did. Even when I ask her what she thinks my biggest challenges are, she tells me only I can answer that. Not the most helpful! I’m glad to know it’s not just me running into these walls. Thank you so much for your help as always, Anita! You are amazing and we are all so lucky to have you here!

Charlotte

Hi again, Anita!

I hope this post finds you well. I just wanted to pop in to update you on something we discussed in this thread. I mentioned to you that I do not have unlimited funds right now and that therapy is pretty expensive, and I asked how to approach phasing out therapy eventually to you. You suggested that I ask my therapist what I should focus on in the next 3-6 months, if I was to end therapy sometime within that time frame. I asked her this on Friday and she essentially didn’t answer; she said this is a question for me to answer, not her. She said only I can know what I need to work on and how many sessions I need. I wasn’t sure what to make of that? I was kind of hoping she could give me some food for thought. Thanks so much for your insight!

Best,

Charlotte

Dang, wow, thank you so much Anita.  This really hit the nail on the spot. You also made me chuckle a little when you said little Charlotte wants to get a giant violin and hit them on the head with it! Haha, this is very true! I also really like what you said about how rationalizations will not make things ok. That’s always what I seem to be doing in my head – rationalizing things – and it only ends up making me feel guilty, pathetic, or like something is wrong with me in the end. I don’t even know how to begin talking to little Charlotte and actually hearing what she has to say…. it’s hard to hear when there is all the other noise in my head if that makes sense. But I’m definitely going to read about how to get in touch with ones inner child and really try to work on listening to her.

I don’t think I have any other follow up questions right now, but I’m going to ponder this more and also will gather my thoughts about the other issue and will be posting again soon. I always really value your insight. Thank you so much, Anita!

Thank you, Anita! Really looking forward to it. Have a happy and relaxing night 🙂