Forum Replies Created
June 16, 2021 at 10:36 am #381540
First of all, THANK YOU so much for taking the time to really think about and respond to my questions in such a deep way. I cannot thank you enough and definitely feel you should be paid to give this level of advice! You have given me so much to think about and mull over. You last bit of advice about our tendency as anxious persons to try to fill the void we have really struck me. I am sorry this response is so short…. I am going to read the suggested posts you sent to me, digest them, and will post back in the next couple of days. I really cannot thank you enough. Will talk again soon and hope you enjoy the rest of your day!
CharotteJune 15, 2021 at 5:33 pm #381523
I definitely appreciate that you are as concerned about climate change as I am. I lot of people think I am too “extra” in that regard. I am vegetarian and am raising my son to be so too, and I try to minimize my plastic consumption and buy secondhand toys, but it’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel like everything I do isn’t enough at all. It is scary how it seems like the world is dying.
You asked an interesting question about my “pull” to have a second child…. in addition to the two things you highlighted, I suppose in my heart I do want a second, even though my head and anxieties give me a million reasons why I shouldn’t. If those fears weren’t there and I knew pregnancy would be manageable, I would choose it. Like, for example, this is kind of silly but our dining room table is a rectangle shape that sits four people, so we have four chairs. But with the 3 of us, one part is always empty, and sometimes I look at the table as if a member of the family is missing because I see the empty spot. And it’s like a longing for that member. But then I remember all the negative things I listed to you, and I get overwhelmed about what to do. It’s such a difficult decision and I really wonder how so many people seem to just be able to decide this stuff one way or the other. No one I ever hear about ever seems as torn as me. It’s always “no kids, no more kids, or I definitely want another.”
Thank you, Anita, as always! I hope you have a great night 🙂
CharlotteJune 15, 2021 at 5:25 am #381488
Wow, thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to write two very well-thought out and insightful responses. I appreciate it so much. Sorry for the delay in responding. I wanted to digest everything and also have had a really busy week as my son has been protesting naptime, so I haven’t had my usual chunk of time in the middle of the day to write. I am sorry to hear that you had such a difficult beginning to life, and I am grateful that you are able to share your insight into this topic with your perspective of the world. I agree with everything you said, but still can’t help feeling a bit torn. My husband would like a 2nd child, although he does say it’s ultimately my decision. He had such a perfect childhood and sees the world in mainly rose-colored glasses, which is nice in a way, but can be frustrating to someone like me who doesn’t. He says things like, “the world has always been crazy, and there have been numerous near-total disasters in history that have been averted” such as nuclear war with Russia, Nazi’s taking over the world, etc. And that the world is probably safer now than ever. Of course, I’m not sure I agree. I’m certainly going to think about all of this more today and will circle back with you with more questions I have if that is ok? Having a second child is so tricky because it’s almost like there is no reasoning with it. I was never sure I even wanted children to begin with, but now that I have one, I feel much more of a pull to have a second. Even though the only *pro* to doing so is the fact that, ideally, I’d want one and the fact that it might be nice for my son to have a sibling to navigate this crazy world with. What a tricky thing…..
CharlotteJune 13, 2021 at 11:47 am #381406
Hi everyone (and especially Anita!),
I spoke primarily to Anita about this issue of whether to have a second child or not about a year ago. I wanted to update her about my current thoughts on the matter and receive her insight as best as she is able. Basically, my son is now almost 2.5 years old. I’m overall feeling much more confident about parenting than I was last year, although this has been a rough week for me due to potty training and a sleep regression. My husband and I had been thinking about trying for a second child later this summer. I’d been feeling more ready and capable, but then received some distressing family news that has my anxiety at higher levels again. I suppose my basic question, is are my anxiety levels too high to be in an emotionally healthy spot to have a second? If that makes sense….
To remind Anita, I had a really difficult pregnancy which included extreme nausea/vomiting I had to go to the hospital to be on IV fluids, and had to stay on medication for it the entire pregnancy. Among many other ailments. I assume the same would happen with a second pregnancy. Childbirth was also traumatic and resulted in an emergency c-section. I was told I would have to have a c-section in all subsequent pregnancies, although hopefully a scheduled one would be less traumatic than the one I had…. in theory at least.
Overall, my anxiety had been much better the past few months. Trump was no longer president, and we were finding our way out of the pandemic. But these family issues really go to me recently. Lond story short, my parents object to my sister’s boyfriend for a variety of reasons but also because he is black (I find it very upsetting that my parents are this racist). My sister is pretty much estranged from them now and my Dad is so upset about it, he has been admitted to the hospital several times for heart issues due to extreme stress. I know it’s not *my* issue per se, but it still affects me mentally. I wish it didn’t.
But anyway, I am 33 years old so I feel I can’t push this issue of a 2nd child off for too much longer. I don’t want my family issues to be the reason I don’t have a 2nd child, but I also worry that my mental health won’t be able to handle the family drama, the pregnancy issues, and also be a present and happy mom for my son. Very interested to know your thoughts, Anita and thank you so much in advance!
May 21, 2021 at 5:25 am #380157
- This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Charlie.
Very good point about bringing that concern up to my therapist! Thank you – I most certainly will. I like to think I am honest and open with her 95% of the time, but with this issue, my people pleasing issues seem to be coming to the surface. Now that I see that, I think I will better be able to talk with her openly about it. Sometimes it just takes running things by someone else, so thank you again 🙂
We definitely share many of the same views. It is really so helpful to find someone like you out there in the internet world who has similar views to me and is so dedicated to mental health. I hope you have a wonderful day, Anita!
CharlotteMay 20, 2021 at 9:52 am #380120
Thank you so much again for your insight. Wow, you have helped me so much over the years. I’ve been following your advice from a few weeks ago on trying to talk to little Charlotte and listen to what she needs with regards to her relationship with her parents and other things. Specifically, I purchased a journal about the shadow self and have been going through the exercises and prompts daily. Hopefully that will help me tune into her!
Regarding my therapist, thank you as well – this all makes sense. I think I will keep her for a couple months longer and see where life takes me. If I’m still feeling much better, I think I will take a break then. It is daunting to let go especially when your therapist hasn’t worked on creating a plan for afterwards, but as we discussed, I don’t have unlimited funds.
I am certainly very excited about the CDC guildelines too and it’s made me feel so much more optimistic about the future. I really hope it helps to encourage the rest of the population to get vaccinated too! Great news to have ahead of summer. 🙂
CharlotteMay 17, 2021 at 9:15 am #379986
Thank you, Anita! Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I read your message when I was away, though, and I see your point as to how she could have answered a bit differently. I am starting to get to a point where I don’t exactly know what to talk to her about anymore, but I would also like to leave the door open in case I want to pick up another time. Is it appropriate to, say, in a couple of months or so, to say that I would like to take a break but that I might like to resume again in 6-months or so if life or circumstances change? Thank you as always, for all of your help, Anita. Hope you’re having a great day 🙂May 7, 2021 at 3:44 am #379324
I will write more in a few days (I am away with my son for a few days so it’s been a busy travel week!), but wanted to pop in and say thank you so much for your response. I am writing in my journal after every session, so I can refer to it in the future after I leave therapy too. I do really wish my therapist gave me such a detailed plan, as yours did. Even when I ask her what she thinks my biggest challenges are, she tells me only I can answer that. Not the most helpful! I’m glad to know it’s not just me running into these walls. Thank you so much for your help as always, Anita! You are amazing and we are all so lucky to have you here!
CharlotteMay 5, 2021 at 5:48 pm #379250
I’m so sorry for the delay in responding. These past few days ended up being a lot busier than I anticipated! So glad you were able to be outdoors, without a mask, enjoying the scenery. I bet that felt very freeing! I am fully vaccinated now too and am finding that being unmasked with other vaccinated people very refreshing too.
Wow, it sounds like you had a pretty incredible therapist. I have only ever met with two therapists…. the first was really bad, and my current one seems worlds better but also gives some disappointing advice, as you have pointed out. Is it just me, or is it really difficult to find a quality therapist like you had? I am also wondering how you felt when you were stopping therapy? Were you nervous about stopping? I am worried that I will be afraid to stop the professional relationship and will continue even when I am not getting much more out of it.
Thank you, as always, Anita. So sorry again about the delay. Hope you have a great night!
CharlotteMay 2, 2021 at 5:50 pm #379083
Hi again, Anita!
I hope this post finds you well. I just wanted to pop in to update you on something we discussed in this thread. I mentioned to you that I do not have unlimited funds right now and that therapy is pretty expensive, and I asked how to approach phasing out therapy eventually to you. You suggested that I ask my therapist what I should focus on in the next 3-6 months, if I was to end therapy sometime within that time frame. I asked her this on Friday and she essentially didn’t answer; she said this is a question for me to answer, not her. She said only I can know what I need to work on and how many sessions I need. I wasn’t sure what to make of that? I was kind of hoping she could give me some food for thought. Thanks so much for your insight!
CharlotteApril 24, 2021 at 9:52 am #378631
Thank you so much, Anita. I certainly will! Your wisdom and insight is so appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!April 23, 2021 at 10:53 am #378563
Dang, wow, thank you so much Anita. This really hit the nail on the spot. You also made me chuckle a little when you said little Charlotte wants to get a giant violin and hit them on the head with it! Haha, this is very true! I also really like what you said about how rationalizations will not make things ok. That’s always what I seem to be doing in my head – rationalizing things – and it only ends up making me feel guilty, pathetic, or like something is wrong with me in the end. I don’t even know how to begin talking to little Charlotte and actually hearing what she has to say…. it’s hard to hear when there is all the other noise in my head if that makes sense. But I’m definitely going to read about how to get in touch with ones inner child and really try to work on listening to her.
I don’t think I have any other follow up questions right now, but I’m going to ponder this more and also will gather my thoughts about the other issue and will be posting again soon. I always really value your insight. Thank you so much, Anita!April 22, 2021 at 5:35 pm #378538
Thank you, Anita, for this insight! It is incredibly helpful, as always. Sorry for the delay in responding – it’s been a busy day chasing my son around. You are very right that I pretty much only have small talk with my parents. They’ve never been able to have a deep conversation with me, and they continue to show no interest. It’s all very superficial conversations, and yes it does make me angry. They have never once apologized for anything, and it hurts. But I still can’t fathom cutting them off completely. They are seem to be (so far) very different with my son and love him a lot. He is their only grandchild. And when I am with them, they do help out with him. Even though I will probably never have a warm and fuzzy relationship with them, I don’t really have any other close family. My sister has her life, and my in laws are thousands of miles away. Is there any other way? Or do I just need to work on being at peace with who my parents are and be compassionate with little Charlotte?April 21, 2021 at 3:34 pm #378284
Thank you, Anita! Really looking forward to it. Have a happy and relaxing night 🙂April 21, 2021 at 1:35 pm #378268
I really appreciate your insight, as always. I think you are right again. My parents, I think, essentially must believe that money and things bring happiness. They don’t say that in words, but like you said, they obviously thought that giving me *stuff* should make me keep my mouth shut and do whatever they want me to do, like go to law school for instance. They have also become more and more materialistic since they’ve gotten older. For instance, they now have nothing but mean things to say about the city of Philadelphia. Back when I was a kid, they were very proud of where they lived. I guess money can really change people then? I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the last paragraph too, but yes, you summarized that advise from my therapist very well! Thank you, Anita! I hope you are having a nice day 🙂