Dear Charlotte:

I came across two excellent websites on the topic: kids health. org/ parents/ second child, and healthline. com/ health/ pregnancy/ second child making a decision,

as well as an interesting discussion on reddit. com/ have a 2nd baby or no?

And I came across an interesting article on medium. com/ a parent is born, which is very interesting to me as it fits with a lot of what you shared. It reads: “Strangers sometimes ask, ‘Is she your only one?.. Are you planning on having another?’ And then they explain all the reasons why we should have a second child. My husband gets annoyed and always says to me later in private, ‘Are they going to change the baby’s diaper? Raise the baby for eighteen years? Pay for the college education? OK then — people need to quit asking!’..

“I don’t get why people don’t know by now: it’s insensitive to ask anyone what their family growth plans are, unless they offer this information…. ‘Bearing children’ is a delicate topic, and you don’t know everyone’s story, so no one should treat ‘having a kid’ or ‘having another’ as easy — or ‘the thing to do’, like picking up the latest handbag in fashion to add to a collection.

“My husband and I feel blessed to have our daughter, who is now five. She’s so cute, loving, smart, and funny. She’s our pride and joy, and we make sure she knows this every day. Did we always only want one kid? No. We used to talk about having two. My husband has a brother, and I have several siblings, so we’d always figured something like two kids would be perfect.

“However, once I birthed our daughter and we experienced the day-in, day-out sacrifices of parenthood, we had to have several serious conversations about whether or not we wanted to raise another kid. We were ‘out of the trenches’, so to speak! She was already in daycare, done with the addictive pacifier, potty-trained, and sleep-trained in her own bed . . . did we really want to start all over again with a new baby’s needs? Also, didn’t we already feel ‘complete’, with our one beautiful, healthy kid?

“Yes. Yes, we do feel complete. Trust that we have had MANY conversations to ensure this is how we truly feel…”

Back to your most recent post: “our dining room table is a rectangle shape that sits four people, so we have four chairs. But with the 3 of us, one part is always empty, and sometimes I look at the table as if a member of the family is missing because I see the empty spot. And it’s like a longing for that member… No one I ever hear about ever seems as torn as me”-

– first, seems to me that you are not the only one torn about the topic, second, notice the incomplete/ empty/missing/longing theme in the article I quoted from (“didn’t we already feel ‘complete’, with our one beautiful, healthy kid? Yes. Yes, we do feel complete”) and in what you shared right above, boldfaced by me:

I feel that my following input on this theme is the most important input I ever gave you on the topic of a 2nd child: this theme is not going to change if you have a 2nd child (or a 3rd or a 4th). This theme is part of the human condition, and it is especially acute in people who are more anxious than others.

There is a human longing to fill the emptiness we feel, to finally have that which is missing in our lives- to finally feel calm, satisfied, satiated, not wanting for anything. This longing is behind the human invention of heaven: we can’t be perfectly satisfied in this life..  but we can in the next, up there in heaven!

In this life, people try to satiate themselves in so many ways: over-indulging in food, drink, drugs, shopping, making more money, entering a relationship… and having a 2nd child. It is valid to eat, have some wine, take prescribed drugs responsibly.. and, for some- to have a second child, but not with the expectation that any of these things will resolve the innate human longing for that .. something-is-missing, something-just-isn’t-right.

anita

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