Dear natie,

I am sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Although you did cheat on your boyfriend, it seems to me that you’re treating yourself very harshly, believing that you are bad, “ugly as a human”, that your actions are ugly and that you deserve all of this:

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years yesterday not because he is bad but because i am.

When i cheated i immediately confronted my boyfriend, my mom , my sister and my best friend , i wanted those closest to me to know how ugly i can be as a human.

i updated him on everything i even told him i dont think u understand how ugly my actions were and I repeated what i had done to him with complete honesty multiple times

Im scared , i lost my job as well and i feel like I deserve all of this

This tells me you have a very negative core belief about yourself: “I am bad”. You say “I literally dont see any self worth”.  Are you aware when this belief started? Was it only after this affair, or even earlier?

In the situation with your boyfriend, you apologized for cheating and promised never to do it again. He was very supportive and in fact forgave you much more easily than you could forgive yourself. You couldn’t understand how he could be so forgiving. You wanted him to be angry at you and feel all those emotions and let them out, but he didn’t. He said: “I forgive you, i know your core and this doesn’t define you, lets put this behind us.”

I believe he was honest, he wasn’t suppressing his anger, and wasn’t feigning forgiveness.

But now, it seems he wants more commitment from you. He is considering moving back home, now that his father passed away. And you don’t want to, you have career plans abroad. I believe he probably sees it as a lack of commitment on your part, a lack of a deep desire to be with him, and even to sacrifice some things for him. It seems to me that he’s saying something like: “I love you enough to forgive you for what you did. Why can’t you love me enough to move back home with me if I ask you?” He feels his love is strong enough, but yours isn’t.

You said you’re a workaholic and that professional success is very important to you, so I can imagine you’d have a hard time sacrificing your job in order to be with him. It seems to me he’s asking you to do that, or at least to show willingness to do it, i.e. to put him first before your job. At least this is how I am understanding what is happening between the two of you.