Dear Dee:

Yes, I didn’t know of your yesterday’s 7:39 pm post until I read your most recent post today. Your boyfriend is in the U.S. Air Force and he was accused of sexual assault.

There’s been extensive recent media coverage on the topic. You can read plenty about it online, including in these Wikipedia entries: (1)  Sexual assault in the United States armed forces (2) United States Air Force Basic Training scandal (which is about the military sex scandal which took place on a base in San Antonio, involving 43 female trainees allegedly victimized by their instructors during and after basic military training beginning in 2009), (3) 2003 United States Air Force Academy sexual assault scandal, (4) The Invisible War which is about a documentary film on the topic of sexual assault in the United States military.

You shared that you overheard your boyfriend, K, talking about it with a friend. Following that, he told you about it “while very emotional and under the influence”, that “it makes him really upset”,  that he “cries almost any time he does actually talk about it”, that he told friends that “if the case ends up going south for him when he goes to trial he is going to end his own life”.

You wrote that “it’s basically a he said she said deal”, that you know “who K is, a really good and generally positive person.. One of the most generally respectful gentlemanly guys I’ve met”, and that you “just know he didn’t do anything wrong”.

– From what you shared, I have no reason to think that he did not sexually assault the female soldier who accused him of such for these reasons: (1) Generally speaking, I don’t think that female soldiers are motivated to lie about being sexually assaulted go through all the trouble that awaits them following such accusations, (2) It has been proven that sexual assault has been quite common in the U.S. military, (3) Being emotional and upset is understandable for anyone being charged with a crime-  it does not indicate that K is innocent (or guilty) of the charge, or charges, (4) The fact that you perceive K to be good, positive and gentlemanly does not indicate that he is innocent of the charge. Some of his behaviors (being on hookup sites, etc.) do not at all sound “good” or “gentlemanly” to me, (5) It is common for romantic partners of men who were convicted of sexual crimes in a court of law, following plenty of proof, to insist nonetheless that their man is innocent.

“I feel he thinks his life is going to completely fall apart so he wants to go and have as much fun as he can before he never gets to again. It makes sense to me as someone who has a similar outlook to him”- can you describe to me, based on your similar outlook to his, (1) How is it that a scared man, scared of his career coming to an end, scared of a trial.. scared of possible imprisonment.. how can he be motivated to “have as much fun”? And (2) How does Fear and Fun co-exist, in your experience?

anita