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  • #381310
    Dee
    Participant

    Hello to anyone that may actually stumble across this post and read it, I hope you’re doing well.

    I am here writing today because I just don’t know how exactly I should feel or think at this point and going forward. I have a couple of previous posts where I wrote about relationship problems I was having within myself, totally one sided. I did not wish to be in a relationship with that person, was not very attracted to them, etc. I am in a different predicament now, I have been dating someone for the past 6 months, despite having not wanted another relationship after the last one. It happened unexpectedly but as I had already went on a date and talked to this person prior to my last situation, I knew how much I enjoyed them and had been pining after them for a short while at one point. Let’s call him K.  I have almost the most ideal relationship I could have at this point in my life, with K. We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well. While I know K does have attraction to me I feel that he is with me more so because I am a good person, I treat him well, I am just not like many other women. It’s not really hard for me to say these things because I know it’s true, but just a little odd to actually say to people. I am a rare gem. K, over the course of our relationship has made several miscellaneous comments that lead me to believe that he isn’t THAT into me. It has also been a known fact that he has been shady or unfaithful to some degree. We did have some type of confrontation about 4 months ago when I first suspected something may be off. That’s really early into our relationship, but at this point I already felt too invested and we do have an awfully good connection. I had essentially caught him red handed asking other girls out on dates or just flirting of some sort. This is bad new isn’t it? It is. So when I had to confront him I thought that might be it, oh well. Honestly my feelings don’t get hurt easily, I just appreciate honesty. So I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me. We moved on from that situation as K had basically cried to me about how much he loves and values me, I decided to trust him and not bring it up at any other point. So all was well I didn’t notice anymore shadiness from K until about 4-6 weeks ago maybe. We went on vacation together I went and met his family in Texas (we are in the PNW), this is more cause to believe he really does love me and want my presence in his life. Now hear me out, I’m not necessarily a snooper, but I did happen to stumble across K’s open text messages while on vacation. There wasn’t anything too questionable except there was one girl who I know he had a strictly sexual relationship with I noticed he had been asking to come over to see him, of course during hours I am definitely at work. Wasn’t severe evidence of anything for me to say anything plus I didn’t even really mean to see anything. No worries. A couple of weeks after returning form our vacation K told me about some “fraud” that happened on his bank account/phone. It was basically a hook up site that was definitely not fraud, I know this because I did go ahead and do a little snooping this time. Easiest man to figure out password wise lol. Not super proud to admit I can be a major sleuth. I just have continuously ben trying to figure out why he would bring it up as if it was fraud when he did actually commit the act himself? The whole thing sounded fishy but I didn’t even continuously ask him questions about it or anything he just volunteered info that helped my mental case even more. Within the past couple of weeks I have found that he has at least two other memberships to similar sites. So over the past month or so I can see that he has spent at least about $100.00 to speak and potentially interact with other women. I don’t believe he has acted upon anything besides the flirting online due to schedules at least. I know he has the intentions though. So it does actually hurt a little bit for a second to know that he is willing to spend money and be sneaky rather than just communicate to me the type of relationship he wants with me. I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further. He definitely notices when I’m not feeling like myself and he will say something about it, as he has in the past. He is so good at reassuring me and telling me I have nothing to worry about, when I truthfully shouldn’t be receiving all too much reassurance from him at all, if any. In addition to this I have to admit my own wrongs, but things that have validated my feelings and made me feel slightly better about the whole thing. After the first occurrence when I found out K was flirting and asking girls on dates and confronted him, I decided to make a false social media account as a female, where I reached out to K just to see if he would do anything. He did not reply to this other identity for a handful of weeks, maybe a month even, and when he did all he did was say “hey” and create very small talk, I didn’t end up getting back to him as I figured he must have really heard me out when I told him I didn’t want to be deceived. But in addition to his other poor decisions when returning from vacation, I had received a message from him on this other account out of the blue. Now I didn’t necessarily flirt but I did provoke in a very subtle way to see if he would do something of the sort. Lo and behold, he asked this character out on a date. On this social media account he has it known that he is in a relationship, so I asked him as this other person “is your girlfriend gonna be okay with that?” to which he replied “I don’t have a girlfriend anymore”. Y’all, let me tell you how heated that got me. I had also literally just walked into his room when he sent that. It’s one thing to be sneaky and cheat or whatever but at least be honest with strangers about it if they more than likely already know. That was a time I definitely thought about saying something. On a different unethical note, the thing that makes me feel slightly better about how K obviously doesn’t really want me, and I’m not looking for judgement, but a pinch of payback, revenge, pettiness, whatever you’d like to call it, definitely does the job for me. I know I shouldn’t contribute to the unfaithfulness and dishonesty but it does feel really good to flirt/receive attention from other men that I would otherwise be interested in. Hear me out though, I didn’t go looking for these men they already existed in my life, I had just cut them out when I started to be seriously involved with K, and decided to open the door back up when I realized my relationship is not what I thought it was. Nothing physical, I have spent time with these men as friends in secret but nothing else.. it’s just mutual know attraction and I am 100% honest with them about the state of my relationship. I truthfully feel bad but it definitely softens the blow of being unwanted by the person I really, really want. I’m not desperate for K or anything I just appreciate the energy we share and how good our relationship has been on a day to day basis apart from the really big bad things. I wish he could read my mind so he could know how much of his sneaky activities I am actually aware of.  I wish I could read his mind so I could know what he truly wants to keep me around for. I have never shared a connection like the one we have and I know he feels the same way. Another fun fact that was a bad call on both of our ends: during our vacation in Texas, we got seduced by a couple of swingers. We exchanged sexual partners, what a time. I’m very sexually open and explorative, and we were in it together so this isn’t something I’m upset about at all it only gives me mixed feelings due to the fact that the other woman involved in this event was someone K would typically be very attracted to, but he didn’t receive the pleasure either of us expected he would since he didn’t end up getting erect. Big shocker there, he told me it just wouldn’t happen because it just didn’t feel right doing it with anyone but me. Tell me how this makes sense since I know he has had many intentions of sleeping with other people. Ugh, the false reassurance. Or is it? I really don’t know, based off all the things I’ve found out, I would say it’s all fake reassurance and he just wants to keep me around because I am a quality person. The only light in his life currently he might say. I can conclude that he loves me dearly based off of his day to day actions and our daily connection, we have never ending good times. I’m not sure where else to go with this I feel I’ve shared all the essential information I wanted to. If you have any advice for me I will definitely read and consider. Any feedback at all would be appreciated. I just want to at least know someone knows my truth so I don’t have to take it all to the grave if I never get the chance to say anything.

    Thanks, xoxo D

    #381312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    On Sept 17, 2020, you described yourself as “constantly bubbly.. no bad days, always a smile on face.. positive.. (no) day is bad.. I have trained myself to have this ridiculously positive outlook on life… I know my circumstances are never that bad and I have a lot to be grateful for”-

    About 4 months later, sometime in January 2021, you met K, your current boyfriend. While in a relationship with you, he’s been secretly a member on a few hook-up sites in which he flirts with other women and asks some of them for dates, telling one you know about, that he does not have a girlfriend. Yet, you still have “this ridiculously positive outlook on life”, particularly, a ridiculously positive outlook on the relationship itself:  “I have almost the most ideal relationship I could have at this point in my life, with K. We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well… I can conclude that he loves me dearly based off of his day to day actions and our daily connection, we have never ending good times”.

    You shared last year that your father cheated on your mother for years, later, your mother cheated on your father. I think that you adapted to their dishonest relationship by adopting the most positive attitude possible, one that made it possible to overlook your their dishonesty best you could and love them anyway (“Their divorce was a mess and definitely impacted me. But still, I love them both endlessly and wouldn’t trade them for the world”).

    Fast forward- you adapt to your boyfriend’s dishonest by adopting the most positive attitude possible,  overlooking K’s dishonesty best you can,  and loving him anyway.

    anita

    #381317
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    Correcting typos from yesterday: “you adapted to their dishonest relationship by adopting the most positive attitude possible, one that made it possible to overlook their dishonesty best you could and love them anyway. Fast forward- you adapt to your boyfriend’s dishonesty by adopting the most positive attitude possible,  overlooking K’s dishonesty best you can,  and loving him anyway”.

    Welcome back, Dee, I didn’t read most of your past posts on record last evening, but I will this morning. In this post I will quote from what you posted each month. I thought that it may be helpful for you to read it all in one post. In my third post on this thread, I will address the quotes.

    July 2020, you shared advising another member: “I was a virgin, never kissed or interacted with any guys really until I was 20. I was also very happy and content being single however you may find positive male attention can be fun, and of course these things are bound to happen at some point! With this being said I want to tell you something that I personally think is helpful and will hopefully make you feel more relaxed: awkward moments are essential, and you don’t have to feel awkward about them. Just go with the flow, communicate well, and don’t stress yourself out about it. I think the fact that you’ve already been able to turn down/ choose not to entertain the ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’ ones is great, you have your standards!”, and to another member, you wrote: “I’m 22 and have been on tinder on and off since I was 16, and just recently deleted it again due to a new relationship lol. If you have any questions in regards to dating/ talking to guys I am here, and have tested the waters enough by now to be able to share some experiences and knowledge”.

    September 2020: “I’m 22 f dating 25 m… I’m in a relationship that I’m not sure is sustainable, and I feel like I’m too deep into it to end things. I have a really hard time communicating and saying the things I want to say. I have a hard time setting boundaries with people… Previous to dating my current boyfriend, I was constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face, I felt great all the time. I still feel pretty positive and don’t necessarily feel like any day is bad but I know I would feel more at ease if I was single. I have a major fear of commitment. I am incredibly independent… My ideal future does not include marriage or kids… My heart is so heavy because I have the purest intentions all the time and don’t ever want to hurt anyone… I’m a generous girl with so much love to offer.. just not in a romantic way. How can I be so generous and so selfish all at one?.. This man enjoys me so much. He thinks so highly of me and trusts me.. I’m not very attracted to him, but if he TRIED to have sex more then I would, and that would definitely make me happier. But we are not sexually compatible and it’s an issue I’ve never faced before. He sweats a lot and sleeps loud. He doesn’t have a car… We get along really well , haven’t had a single argument. It’s easy to be around him. Despite that, I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil..  he really believes we are going to be together forever…  Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe? Could I write him a letter? Start being awful and undesirable? All the possibilities have crossed my mind. I am not someone who has serious conversations well…  I just want out.  As much as I don’t want to be the bad guy I want to get it over with so I can start living my best life again. I cannot fathom the idea of actually confronting him. Even in my one and only previous relationship I waited until I completely broke and had just sent him a message ending it…  I’m an open book..  I will definitely share a bit of my past. I’ve felt the way I feel about relationships now and have for a very long time, since I was a child, because of my parents. I absolutely love them both and have a good relationship with them personally but their relationship was not what I would ever want for myself and I felt for basically the entirety of my life that no relationship or marriage I saw was ideal. So I’ve seen it best to stay single since I was younger. My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was always out with friends throughout the week and weekend. He would come home late, after we’d all be asleep. My dad has now been with his current partner on and off for 12 years, well really it’s been longer than that. I find out more things as the years pass but even just this year I found out my father had been seeing his girlfriend since 2003! I was 5. My parents didn’t separate until I was 10. My mind was blown when I found that out because honestly he was probably being sneaky from the start of their marriage. Yeah so I don’t trust easily and have major commitment issues. I resent my father because I just don’t know why he would do that considering my mother is an amazing woman. However, after asking my dad for a divorce she started cheating on him before they actually did part ways. Their divorce was a mess and definitely impacted me. But still, I love them both endlessly and wouldn’t trade them for the world…. I do believe the core of who I am is my endless love and caring, for my parents, and that because I love them so much I don’t want them to see me unhappy or have them worrying about me. I always felt they had so many other things to worry about, like finances and my brother who is older than me but throughout our childhood he definitely was a bigger handful. In fact I would like to think I was just about the easiest kid ever to have, I don’t know I just really have never liked to people to have to worry about me too much… I recognize that healthy relationships do exist and it is very possible, I just am not sure I can see myself ever being into it. I do have my own bad days for no reason at all sometimes, I just don’t care to think of it as a bad day because I have trained myself to have this ridiculously positive outlook on life, I know my circumstances are never that bad and I have a lot to be grateful for, I could have a ~romantic~ relationship, I just need it to be completely on my own terms and I don’t want to have to ask anyone to change for me, or adjust to my many little quirks. I am complicated and selfish and I know it, for that reason I would way rather be single. It’s also for that reason I believe I’m pretty generous, I just really don’t want my preferences to inconvenience anyone else. I thought my current relationship was going to work out for me and be on my terms, but the further in I get the less positive I feel about it. So when I say I am an open book, I  do feel this is kind of true still. I am very willing to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences of all kinds with anyone, it’s just easier to do so if someone asks me things? I have a really hard time with communication as a whole, speech isn’t something I’m very good at. It’s a work in progress but my lack of confidence in the past was the problem for sure. I know because of the way I act as if nothing is wrong for me, that my boyfriend thinks there really isn’t anything/ we’ll be together forever, however I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong because the problem is completely mine! In the beginning just a couple of months ago I only had good feelings about this whole thing. I stopped feeling like myself and I only came to the conclusion that I want to be single again. I lived a fabulous single life full of positivity and self growth, and I realize now I just wasn’t done there yet.  I do want this to be a learning experience for both of us but I’m not sure he will see it that way. We were distant friends and ex coworkers for about four years before dating, I would be hurt if he ended up really hating me for deciding that this isn’t for me. I am more so actually in fear of the immediate response he will have, and just dealing with that. I am terrified of the confrontation, I so badly wish he could see it and come to me asking if I really want a future with him. I would love to write a letter to him.. maybe with the intent of actually giving to to him?”

    November 2020: “A little over 2 months ago I wrote in here about wanting to break up with my boyfriend or at least change some aspects about it, but was struggling with how to go about doing so. Since then I did end the relationship due to him confronting me first about how I’m feeling, because he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it. I told him having a committed relationship isn’t for me, I don’t care to have someone to sleep with, spend a whole lot of time with, or really have to communicate with on a regular basis like that because I like being able to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or owe anything to them. I did tell him I remain having feelings for him but I am only interested in a way more casual relationship with no titles. So some days go by of us not really talking and he asks me some clarifying questions about having a ‘casual’ relationship. I told him it’s not about being able to see other people because that was his only big concern… I told him I’m comfortable with, this basically translated to I am going to do pretty much whatever I want but still give him attention (when I feel like it mostly) and not give any other men attention, until he decides that this is not enough for him because I know it isn’t. I spend more time with him and give him more attention than I had originally planned when we made this agreement so it has been semi-successful. I want to feel bad for essentially stringing him along and wasting his time because this isn’t going to work out but I don’t, I just can’t. Not when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with having the titles for that reason alone. So by this time we have been in this relationship on my terms for 2 months and I’m not consistent with talking to him when I’m able to, or seeing him when I’m able to. I can tell my inconsistency and disinterest in spending time together upsets him, I can tell when he’s sort of unhappy. In a way I don’t care how he feels anymore, I want him to end this because he is the one who wanted it so bad, and agreed to being on my terms. After we re-established the relationship I honestly wasn’t too upset just felt kinda ashamed and embarrassed because I already told all my friends and coworkers I was single again and they knew how exciting that was for me. But each day that went by and continues to go by I can’t help but feel regret, guilt, and frustration, but only a little.. I don’t like to dwell on negative feelings so I just feel nothing. I have come to have no more feelings for him because I feel like he just wants me as a prize considering I am a tad bit out of his league. He has started offering to buy me more things and give me money just because. He knows money is really important to me and I think he has been trying to use that to his advantage. But it’s almost more of a turn off because I’d rather be with someone who wants to save their money more to better their future. I love receiving money don’t get me wrong but I don’t want it from someone who is struggling more than me and has things more important to put their funds towards currently? There’s too much I have to say about this situation I just don’t know. I’m ready to end it once again and don’t want to wait for him to confront me first. I just have no idea how to do it. I was built with poor communication skills and anxiety. I want to do the right thing and end this for good so badly… I think I am going to go the route of gradually bringing it up in a conversation about how I feel like I just don’t appreciate him enough and don’t think I ever will so this must come to an end. I’ve come up with so many different ways to go about this Anita, I just struggle so badly taking the initial confrontational step. I have wanted to seek therapy for the last year or two but am not sure how to work it all out”.

    December 2020: “I did finally end up breaking up with my boyfriend in a kind, respectful, short and sweet message. The heavy weight has lifted from my chest and I feel much better. I could have gone about it a little bit better still because I had unintentionally made a  decision to not talk to him for about 2 days prior to that message. I feel as though I truly hurt and damaged his heart. I don’t feel as bad as I think I should about it though to be honest. I feel really good now, like I grew an awful lot just from that situation. I know I am needing some quality therapy to overcome the issues of confrontation I face and learn how to improve my overall communication and interpersonal relationships, I will be working on that here in the near future. Ending things for good opened my eyes quite a bit. I don’t think I am totally meant to be single, I realize I do enjoy having a partner, but I will need to set boundaries, improve my communication and really be head over heels for whatever boy I decide to take a chance on. I appreciate you so much Anita, your advice and support was much needed for me. Hope you’re doing well and if I come back to you with more relationship troubles in the future please don’t be mad”.

    January 2021: “So far in 2021 I am not doing my best, but I am staying mostly positive. About a week ago I was met with some very intense abdominal pain that I suspected MIGHT be gallbladder pains. I went through my next few days being a trooper and getting through my days until I was able to go seek help on my next day off from work. I went to an urgent care explaining my symptoms at the time, but I was told that my only true option for what I am experiencing would require a trip to the emergency room which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. So I head over to the E.R. and after a somewhat short wait, I am taken to a bed, they take my vitals, get another recap on what’s going on, they get a urine sample, take some blood, eventually have an ultrasound, and CT scan. They had given me some morphine for the pain so I wasn’t totally miserable for the entirety of my time there. Anyways, in conclusion after all the hours I spent in that room they came up with nothing. All they had to tell me was that I am quite anemic, which I have of course already known for years… So here I am a week later and still hurting, I am waiting to set something up with a primary doctor, which I don’t have yet. I have spent the last week compiling a chart/list of ALL symptom I have been having for the past several years it has been since I’ve really seen a doctor in the case of other than an emergency… To be truthful I really think most of what I experience all comes back to my reproductive system or something, along with an autoimmune disorder maybe? I really have no idea as I’m no doctor but I know something is wrong with my body, this is not proper functionality!… I am not the best advocate for myself and with covid happening I can’t bring anyone to my doctors visits, it worries me that I am not going to be heard enough. At 22, I already have about $7,000.00 in medical debt and can’t stand the thought of it getting any worse but I am tired of living in a dysfunctional body”. You advised another member: “I am sure you are more than just ‘cute’ or ‘ok’, and if that’s all your boyfriend thinks still after 2 years then you ought to kick him to the curb. That’s great that he honestly told you about his attraction towards you, or lack thereof, but it’s true that you deserve to be made out to feel like you’re a beautiful , desirable person by whoever you are in a relationship with… I can only imagine being in your shoes, feeling anything less than gorgeous in the eyes of my partner. I suggest that you do not settle for a relationship with someone who might feel like they’re setting with you. Do not further risk being with someone who could be unfaithful to you. Sounds like you are a really good person and you honestly deserve the best. Hope you take it into heavy consideration!”

    June 2021: “I have a couple of previous posts where I wrote about relationship problems I was having within myself, totally one sided. I did not wish to be in a relationship with that person, was not very attracted to them, etc. I am in a different predicament now, I have been dating someone for the past 6 months, despite having not wanted another relationship after the last one. It happened unexpectedly… Let’s call him K.  I have almost the most ideal relationship I could have at this point in my life, with K. We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well. While I know K does have attraction to me I feel that he is with me more so because I am a good person, I treat him well, I am just not like many other women. It’s not really hard for me to say these things because I know it’s true, but just a little odd to actually say to people. I am a rare gem. K, over the course of our relationship has made several miscellaneous comments that lead me to believe that he isn’t THAT into me. It has also been a known fact that he has been shady or unfaithful to some degree. We did have some type of confrontation about 4 months ago when I first suspected something may be off. That’s really early into our relationship, but at this point I already felt too invested and we do have an awfully good connection. I had essentially caught him red handed asking other girls out on dates or just flirting of some sort. This is bad new isn’t it? It is. So when I had to confront him I thought that might be it, oh well. Honestly my feelings don’t get hurt easily, I just appreciate honesty. So I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me. We moved on from that situation as K had basically cried to me about how much he loves and values me, I decided to trust him and not bring it up at any other point. So all was well I didn’t notice anymore shadiness from K until about 4-6 weeks ago maybe… Easiest man to figure out password wise lol. Not super proud to admit I can be a major sleuth… Within the past couple of weeks I have found that he has at least two other memberships to similar sites… So it does actually hurt a little bit for a second to know that he is willing to spend money and be sneaky rather than just communicate to me the type of relationship he wants with me. I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further. He definitely notices when I’m not feeling like myself and he will say something about it, as he has in the past. He is so good at reassuring me and telling me I have nothing to worry about… After the first occurrence when I found out K was flirting and asking girls on dates and confronted him, I decided to make a false social media account as a female, where I reached out to K just to see if he would do anything… I had received a message from him on this other account out of the blue… Lo and behold, he asked this character out on a date. On this social media account he has it known that he is in a relationship, so I asked him as this other person ‘is your girlfriend gonna be okay with that?’ to which he replied ‘I don’t have a girlfriend anymore’. Y’all, let me tell you how heated that got me. I had also literally just walked into his room when he sent that. It’s one thing to be sneaky and cheat or whatever but at least be honest with strangers about it if they more than likely already know. That was a time I definitely thought about saying something. On a different unethical note, the thing that makes me feel slightly better about how K obviously doesn’t really want me, and I’m not looking for judgement, but a pinch of payback, revenge, pettiness, whatever you’d like to call it, definitely does the job for me. I know I shouldn’t contribute to the unfaithfulness and dishonesty but it does feel really good to flirt/receive attention from other men that I would otherwise be interested in. Hear me out though, I didn’t go looking for these men they already existed in my life.. Nothing physical, I have spent time with these men as friends in secret but nothing else.. it’s just mutual know attraction and I am 100% honest with them about the state of my relationship. I truthfully feel bad but it definitely softens the blow of being unwanted by the person I really, really want. I’m not desperate for K or anything I just appreciate the energy we share and how good our relationship has been on a day to day basis apart from the really big bad things. I wish he could read my mind so he could know how much of his sneaky activities I am actually aware of.  I wish I could read his mind so I could know what he truly wants to keep me around for. I have never shared a connection like the one we have and I know he feels the same way. Another fun fact that was a bad call on both of our ends: during our vacation in Texas, we got seduced by a couple of swingers. We exchanged sexual partners, what a time. I’m very sexually open and explorative, and we were in it together so this isn’t something I’m upset about at all it only gives me mixed feelings due to the fact that the other woman involved in this event was someone K would typically be very attracted to, but he didn’t receive the pleasure either of us expected he would since he didn’t end up getting erect. Big shocker there, he told me it just wouldn’t happen because it just didn’t feel right doing it with anyone but me. Tell me how this makes sense since I know he has had many intentions of sleeping with other people. Ugh, the false reassurance. Or is it? I really don’t know, based off all the things I’ve found out, I would say it’s all fake reassurance and he just wants to keep me around because I am a quality person. The only light in his life currently he might say. I can conclude that he loves me dearly based off of his day to day actions and our daily connection, we have never ending good times.. If you have any advice for me I will definitely read and consider. Any feedback at all would be appreciated. I just want to at least know someone knows my truth so I don’t have to take it all to the grave if I never get the chance to say anything.”

    #381320
    Dee
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for being so insightful. I appreciate all of your feedback and your efforts to have people see things in their life a little clearer.

    I think you’re definitely correct. I have adapted to overlooking dishonesty, and I’m sure it would be different if I didn’t have such a positive outlook on everything. In addition to just being positive I really prefer to avoid conflict 100% of the time. I find it’s easier to just let things go and sweep it under the rug more often than not. I so badly wish I was a bold can-say-anything type of person but that was not written in the stars for me. I honestly feel like I’m more than content with my current circumstances despite the major dishonesty going on. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Being dishonest in my own way really made it okay for me even though this is not okay for sure. I knew from the start I would miss being single from time to time at least, and I also knew that K is someone who really enjoyed being single on the same level as me. The big thing bothering me is the confusion I’ve been left with. Does K actively want to be single? Would he like an open relationship? Does he love me so much but just wish I looked a little different? So hard to know the truth when even while putting options on the table for him he has chosen me. I am so carefree that any of the options he could choose would be totally okay with me. Even if we decided not to be together anymore, I have all the faith in the world that we would actually be good friends and have a good time together as single people, even associating or flirting with other people in the same environment. So long as we ended it on semi decent terms at least of course. That’s the least likely scenario to happen as I really do think I’d rather continue to keep doing what we’re doing. I recognize that I need to continue to grow as a person and work on my communication. It’s a tough work in progress.

    Thank you again, Anita!

    #381321
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    You are very welcome. I will be able to read all of your recent post and submit the post I am preparing for you later than I thought (been busy out and about), probably tomorrow morning, my time (which is your time since we are both from the PNW!)

    anita

    #381401
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    You don’t want to be in a romantic relationship: “I’ve seen it best to stay single since I was younger”, “My ideal future does not include marriage or kids”, “I was also very happy and content being single”, “Previous to dating my current boyfriend, I was constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face, I felt great all the time”, “I like being able to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or owe anything to them”, “I just need it to be completely on my own terms and I don’t want to have to ask anyone to change for me”, “I have a major fear of commitment. I am incredibly independent”, ” I did not wish to be in a relationship with that person… having not wanted another relationship after the last one”.

    But on the other hand, “male attention can be fun”, and you found yourself so far in three relationships, spending much of your time in the first two relationships trying to end them. You finally sent the first boyfriend a message ending it (“I waited until I completely broke and.. sent him a message ending it”). At 22, you wanted to end your second relationship (“I just want out… I want to get it over with”), but you didn’t tell him anything, and acted as if nothing was wrong for you (“the way I act as if nothing is wrong for me, that my boyfriend thinks there really isn’t anything/ we’ll be together forever”), heavily entrenched in the habit of acting like there is nothing wrong when there is something wrong (“I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong”).

    You tried to figure out whether you should send him a letter ending it, or cause him to end it, so that you don’t have to do it directly (“Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe?… Start being awful and undesirable?”)

    You were afraid that if you tell him directly that you want to end the relationship, something  bad will happen (“I am more so actually in fear of the immediate response he will have… I am terrified of the confrontation”). You hoped that he will see that something is wrong for you, and ask you a yes-or-no question- then you’ll tell him your No (“I so badly wish he could see it and come to me asking if I really want a future with him”).

    Too fearful to be honest and direct, you proceeded to give him vibes that something is wrong for you, and he noticed those vibes (“he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it”). Next, he asked you what is wrong, but you were too fearful to tell him that you wanted to end the relationship, so you tried to negotiate with him, suggesting not to end the relationship but to downgrade it to a casual relationship (” I did tell him.. I am only interested in a way more casual relationship… this basically translated to I am going to do pretty much whatever I want but still give him attention”). Your plan was to proceed with a casual relationship until he ends the relationship (“until he decides that this is not enough for him because I know it isn’t”).

    Next, you proceeded with the casual relationship but found yourself giving him more attention than you planned to give him (“I spend more time with him and give him more attention than I had originally planned when we made this agreement so it has been semi-successful”).

    Two months into the casual relationship, you were waiting for him to end it (“I can tell when he’s sort of unhappy. In a way I don’t care how he feels anymore, I want him to end this”), but he didn’t end it, and you were thinking how to make it happen (“I’ve come up with so many different ways to go about this”). Eventually, you sent him a “short and sweet message” ending the relationship, feeling better (“the heavy weight has lifted from my chest and I feel much better. I could have gone about it a little bit better… I feel as though I truly hurt and damaged his heart”).

    About your parents, you shared that you love them very much and that you have “a good relationship with them personally”. You shared about your parents’ relationship with each other: “their relationship was not what I would ever want for myself.. My dad was always out with friends throughout the week and weekend. He would come home late, after we’d all be asleep….  my father had been seeing his girlfriend since.. I was 5. My parents didn’t separate until I was 10… “I resent my father because I just don’t know why he would do that considering my mother is an amazing woman”.
    <div>

    “But still, I love them both endlessly and wouldn’t trade them for the world…. I do believe the core of who I am is my endless love and caring, for my parents, and that because I love them so much I don’t want them to see me unhappy or have them worrying about me. I always felt they had so many other things to worry about, like finances and my brother who is older than me but throughout our childhood he definitely was a bigger handful. I would like to think I was just about the easiest kid ever to have”

    – It seems to me that early on, as a child, you needed to keep any problem you had and any bad-feeling that you felt.. to yourself (“I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong  because the problem is completely mine!”). Maybe your older brother was the trouble-maker of the kids,  and you took on the opposite role: the good kid, the “rare gem”. Maybe you were praised and valued for being unlike him, and that made you stick to your role of being opposite to your brother more. Your brother had problems, you had none; he confronted your parents, you never did; he expressed anger at your parents, you never did; he refused to do as they said, you went along with them always; he lived on his terms- you lived on your parents’ terms; he was hateful, you loved your parents endlessly.

    “My dad was always out with friends throughout the week and weekend. He would come home late, after we’d all be asleep”- I imagine that while he was out so very often, all through the nights, night after night, your mother was very upset. Maybe you comforted her, she showed you much appreciation, and you felt valued in this context (?)

    In September 2020, you wrote regarding your boyfriend at the time: “I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil“- I wonder if as a child, witnessing your brother’s anger, you felt that he was like the devil, and when you felt anger at your father or at your mother (as all children do at one time or another), you felt that inside you were as bad.. or as devilish as your brother (?)

    Continued quote from above: “he really believes we are going to be together forever…  Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe?… I just want out”- I  wonder if as a child, you felt stuck at home, stuck in your role as the good-girl, the-gem, the one who never gets angry, the one who never has a problem, “the easiest kid ever”. Maybe it wasn’t easy to be the easiest kid ever, maybe it was a great burden for you.

    Yesterday, June 13, 2021: “I’m more than content with my current circumstances despite the major dishonesty going on. Sounds crazy doesn’t it?”- no, it doesn’t sound crazy to me. As I see it, his dishonesty (secretly going on hook up sites) feels safer for you than if he was like your previous boyfriend “really believes we are going to be together forever“. His dishonesty means.. that you will not be stuck with him forever, that instead, you will soon be safe, soon to be free.

    “Even if we decided not to be together anymore.. So long as we ended it on semi decent terms”-  seems to me that you want the relationship to be over, that’s why you are “so carefree”.. about to be indeed free from a relationship and back to being “very happy and content being single… constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face”.

    Last comment for this post: the extreme length and complexity you went through when trying to indirectly end your previous relationship is remarkable, particularly the negotiating part. It indicates to me an extreme fear on your part, a fear of some unbearable, terrible consequence to you if you lived life on your own terms in the context of a relationship (owning and sharing your problems and solutions and expressing your feelings when such may burden the other person), and that this fear started in childhood. Maybe you witnessed your brother experiencing such a consequence.. maybe you experienced it yourself.. (?)

    anita

    </div>

    #381471
    Dee
    Participant

    Anita,

    It is so interesting how spot on you are (for the most part at least ya know). I really enjoy reading your thoughts on everything.

    Everything you said is mostly correct I was pretty shocked, up until the end. This is the oddest part for me, usually I would honestly be happiest if being single was really presented to me. I actually really want and desire the current relationship that I have. It’s unconventional and I would prefer that we be more truthful with each other, however there’s so many other details of the relationship that I wouldn’t change for anything! Everyone loves us together and think we have an almost perfect bond. I know he’s a flirt, he knows I’m a bit of a wild child, it works out surprisingly well. I don’t know where this man came from to have made me want to keep someone in my life permanently like this but here he is. I haven’t been 100% honest about all the fine details with anyone close to me, but when I have shared anything slightly off they would ask me if I even really want the whole relationship thing with a nice prospective future, and my truthful answer is yes I really do. No one else in the world I want like this for sure. Now I know I think I said this before but I’m not dating anyone seriously ever again if this isn’t the one for me. Seriously this time lol. I know deep in my heart I would rather be single in any other situation. Not this one though, but you know I would be totally open to trying the open relationship thing because I feel like that would be fitting for us even though we both seem to not want anyone else to have the other, we definitely do still desire attention from other people. So weird. I’m still very happy, and I feel like that’s wrong to say now that I have shared all of the truth. I don’t know where my fear of communication and honesty came from but I know I’ve always been like this and I would sure love to know why. Maybe one day it will all make sense, but either way I carry myself and truthfully am living my almost ideal life.

     

    D

    #381476
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation.

    “I actually really want and desire the current relationship that I have. It’s unconventional and I would prefer that we be more truthful with each other, however there’s so many other details of the relationship that I wouldn’t change for anything! .. No one else in the world I want like this for sure… I would be totally open to trying the open relationship.. truthfully am living my almost ideal life”-

    -maybe an open relationship is your most ideal relationship at this time, making for an almost ideal life: no expectation of monogamy= no betrayal of monogamy, in other words: if polygamy is agreed upon as a relationship-rule, then.. polygamy is no longer a relationship violation.

    It’s like having an Out within the relationship, so there is no need to look for an Out outside the relationship. Am I making sense..?

    anita

     

    #381547
    Dee
    Participant

    Anita,

    What you’re saying definitely makes sense. Having an out without being or searching for an out sounds great for me. I already started relationships in general with low expectations a few years ago, and I have been progressively ascending my standards all around. I know what I deserve in  a relationship which conventionally would be a faithful & honest partner but at this point where I’m at I’m not really mad at the circumstances. While I would love more honesty I know I’m not even at a point where I know how to be completely honest with my partner, even apart from the shady activities. I have more mixed feelings about actually being polygamous (if it were a true possible option) than I do about continuing on how I am. I truthfully would rather not openly share K with any other women and he wouldn’t want to share me with anyone else either, that I know of based off previous related conversations K and I have shared. There is something that leads me to believe he has a reason for being somewhat unfaithful to me that I’m a little hesitant to discuss but this is a really good space to do so since I can’t talk to anyone else about it.  I’m so glad I stumbled upon this site last year. You are very easy to communicate with Anita, I appreciate you being so active and responsive in these forums. Hope to hear from you again soon 🙂

    D

    #381554
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    Thank you for your appreciation in the last couple of lines- it feels very good to read it!

    “While I would love more honesty I know I’m not even at a point where I know how to be completely honest with my partner”- imagine if it happens, a time when you know how to be completely honest with him and he knows how to be completely honest with you. How would it feel.. bamboozling, I imagine (?)

    “I truthfully would rather not openly share K with any other women and he wouldn’t want to share me with anyone else either”- I believe this to be true.

    “There is something that leads me to believe he has a reason for being somewhat unfaithful to me that I’m a little hesitant to discuss but this is a really good space to do so since I can’t talk to anyone else about it”- his reason could be (in addition to other reasons) not wanting to have one woman have too much power over him. A man who was overly powered by the most powerful woman in his life (his mother).. will not allow that to happen again. Just a guess.

    anita

     

    #381568
    Dee
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are very welcome. I love your honest thoughts and how insightful they are, I imagine people who know you personally really enjoy your company!

    If mutual total honesty is one day shared in my relationship.. You are right bamboozled is exactly how I might feel! At the beginning of this one, I thought that’s what was happening, we shared a lot with each other!  But of course there’s always more than meets the eye, right?

    It’s definitely true that we don’t want to share one another with anyone else, and not wanting one woman having too much power over him may also be true or at least something like that. Between growing up as an only child with a single mother and past dating experiences I’ve heard from him I’d say it’s the other women that he’s dealt with that might cause him to think that way. I have seen first hand when we went on vacation, how close and influential his mother is to him and not in a negative way I totally love her and she adores me too. From the very beginning he has always said his mother is the most important woman in his life, and now that I’ve come to be right up there with her but of course she is the mom so she has to continue to carry that title and I support it because I feel the same way about my mom. You made a good point with this one for sure. With other girls, he has told me he had been cheated on in both serious relationships he was in at one point, so the guard he created was tough for a long time until he met me. I think a part of his dishonesty could be from potential insecurity/ fear of being hurt, essentially just like me, except in my case I more so think it’s easier to not deal with issues when faced with them, just accept the circumstances and find a sliver lining.

    D

    #381570
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    Thank you for more of your kind words, you are a delight to communicate with! About “I have seen first hand when we went on vacation, how close and influential his mother is to him and not in a negative way.. he has always said his mother is the most important woman in his life”- sometimes boys (and girls) pay a price for a close relationship with their mothers- having to push down an important part of themselves… a part that insists on coming up when the boy grows up, in the context of romantic/ sexual relationships with women.

    I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning. I hope have a nice afternoon and evening.

    anita

    #381571
    Dee
    Participant

    Anita,

    I was going to wait to start getting into this other theory or whatever you’d like to call it. I figure it will make me feel better in general just about being able to share since I can’t do it in my daily personal life. I want to start by saying I really wouldn’t be dating K still if I didn’t believe or KNOW he is definitely an innocent guy. In August of 2020, he was accused of a sexual assault. I will go further into this in another reply as I’ve been working on this one for a while but I am at work and have to go now

     

    D

     

    D

    #381576
    Dee
    Participant

    Cont.

    So this situation he is in began last August. K is in the Air Force so the investigation through the military is long and ongoing. I have not allowed this to effect my relationship for the most part, since I have found out. I didn’t know about this whole thing until the beginning of March, when K told me about it while very emotional and under the influence and he actually only told me (at that time at least) because I was outside the room he was in and overheard a conversation he was having with a friend. We don’t really talk about it, it makes him really upset and I know his character in general, it’s not him so I don’t question him or bring it up until he does. He cries almost any time he does actually talk about it. He has told friends that if the case ends up going south for him when he goes to trial he is going to end his own life, and it breaks my heart. My happy high energy boyfriend being in such a bad situation makes me so sad. I worry for him a lot because of  the chance that I personally think is pretty slim although it’s basically a he said she said deal. I’ve read the reports he has, and everyone including strangers he had just met that day the supposed incident occurred, didn’t even have anything questionable to say about him. I know who K is, a really good and generally positive person. The point I’m trying to get to is that I think he might not be 100% honest and committal due to thinking he is either going to prison in a handful of months, or going to end his life before he gets the chance to go to prison after trial. I feel he thinks his life is going to completely fall apart so he wants to go and have as much fun as he can before he never gets to again. It makes sense to me as someone who has a similar outlook to him. The big part that doesn’t make sense is why he would get himself into a relationship in the first place when he feels the way he feels about the situation, that’s the big thing that bothered me and I had to ask him about. I don’t even remember what he told me. I was also just upset with him since he obviously just wasn’t truthful about what he was going through from the start. As someone who had met him in a non romantic manner and interacted with him months before this incident happened, I just know he didn’t do anything wrong. One of the most generally respectful gentlemanly guys I’ve met.

    Sorry if this is too much to be sharing here, any additional insight is welcome and appreciated ❤️

    D

    #381577
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dee:

    I will wait then until you share about what you brought up in your recent post. Good night, Dee!

    anita

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