Hi Anita and Teak,

I took your words into consideration. I met with him last week to talk. I told him I felt like he was a people-pleaser and couldn’t say no to his family, and that his family is demanding of his time and that I am not a demanding person. He agreed with that. I told him how this isn’t an ideal combination. I asked him if he had time for a relationship and he said that was a good question and that it’s something he’s thought about before, but because he likes me a lot he wants to make it work. I said I wanted to be prioritized more. I think he understands that last minute cancelling plans is not okay with me, but I’m not sure if he gets the other things I mentioned?

I asked him why he doesn’t initiate text conversations with me throughout the day. He said he usually talks to family or messages friends if things come up. I don’t know if that is something I can change about him. In my last relationship, my boyfriend always initiated conversation and we knew most of what each other was doing during the day. It felt natural and like healthy communication to me.

I think I’ve reached the point where I have to decide whether I am willing to accept that he is just like this and will not change. Or I leave him. I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

I don’t think he is using me. I brought that up and he seemed hurt that I thought he was stringing me along. I think this is just how he views relationships? I can see how he compartmentalizes me as a girlfriend, like you mentioned before Anita. I don’t think that’s wrong but I don’t think it aligns with how I view relationships. I think he has more maturing left to do  in terms of serious relationships as well. I am his first long term relationship.

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I guess I just feel stuck on how to move forward. I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.