Forum Replies Created
April 23, 2021 at 4:40 pm #378599
Thanks for your reply. That’s true- a lot of communication does not necessarily make it valuable communication. Do you and your partner call each other randomly or do you set a time to talk? And how often do you text/ call? I’m trying to adjust to a less call/text relationship from being in one that had a lot of texting/ calling. I’m definitely becoming more used to it but I’d prefer more communication and have brought it up before, but we always come back here.April 23, 2021 at 4:34 pm #378598
Yes, the love a child has for their parent can be incomparable, which is beautiful.
Yes I do notice that when family is stressing me out, I feel an urge contact my partner and just talk to them.
I do feel the pain of breakups and take a few months to grieve but it’s usually been about 3-6 months in between relationships, which seems kind of short. Getting into a new relationship does help me get over the previous one.April 23, 2021 at 4:25 pm #378596
Your situation sounds like something I’ve experienced before. When guys are flirty like that and love spending time with you/ being around you, I think it usually means something. The fact that everyone around you also thinks you two are “in love” might also be indicative of mutual feelings. It’s interesting how obvious something can seem to others, yet so confusing to us. This exact situation happened to me before and the guy told me he liked me shortly after. You could keep spending time with him and getting to know him better, and see where it goes. If he has feelings for you, he will probably tell you soon- if he is a confident person. You could also tell him yourself and save some time haha. Up to you- good luck!April 23, 2021 at 10:46 am #378561
Thank you Teak and Anita. I really appreciate the time and effort you both into the responses on this site.
Teak, thank you, that means a lot. It makes sense why I am less of an emotionally open person now. It is hard for me to turn off that “survival mode” way of thinking until I am at a place I want to be. I am still completing my graduate studies and thus unable to purchase my own home until I have graduated and start working. My parents have not divorced, but my mother and I live in my brother’s home which he purchased. My dad lives in our old apartment because he works near it. He comes here on the weekends. I will definitely try that exercise you mentioned! I started doing 5 minute meditations last month and it felt really good after completing one. Yes I would like having calls daily with my boyfriend. I’ve brought it up before but he says he doesn’t really like talking on the phone and I don’t want to force him. If I tell him I really want it, he will probably do it.
Anita, thank you. I can identify with the “Child Hero” analogy you mention. Is this common? It makes sense why I am closed off emotionally now. It sometimes scares me how emotionally detached I can be, but it makes sense why I became like this. I am still a very emotional person though with some things.. it’s strange. I wonder why I seek comfort in relationships with men. It’s like I can’t be single for long because I crave the security of a relationship. Even if I am unhappy in the relationship, there is some type of security there which I crave. I feel more of worth when I am in a relationship… it is bad, I know. And I think I “jump” from relationship to relationship because I don’t want to feel the emotional heartache of a breakup.
Even when I have known I was unhappy in a relationship and I bring that up to them, once they agree to or suggest a breakup, I feel very anxious and don’t want them to leave. Yet, I will go into it thinking I do want to leave. I also wonder what triggers this response. A fear of being alone? I’m planning to seek therapy to look into these things further. Thank you both for your thorough and caring responses 🙂 I really value your wisdom and advice.April 21, 2021 at 1:30 pm #378265
I’m sorry to hear that you experienced something similar in your childhood. It certainly is not an easy experience to go through. Please take your time.April 21, 2021 at 12:15 pm #378254
Thank you for your response. Please don’t feel obligated to respond if this is triggering for you. I know my experience can be hard for others to read and empathize with. I don’t want you to put yourself in an emotionally difficult situation. I am just so used to it that I have emotionally detached from it and it is easy for me to share. Sorry if it was too explicit.
You are right. I definitely felt adrenaline in those moments, which is probably why I felt so strong. It was a fight or flight response.April 21, 2021 at 12:08 pm #378253
Thank you for your reply. That is good to hear. I think it does come with longer-term relationships after the “honeymoon phase” ends. I may have an unrealistic view on relationships.. probably due to the media and other factors. Mindfulness is a very good idea! I will try that.April 21, 2021 at 12:05 pm #378250
Thank you for your reply. What you are saying definitely makes sense. I have been closed-off emotionally since I was young. My mom, who knows me the best, says I am a very emotional person but I don’t show it. I agree with you. There wasn’t much time to talk about my feelings.. My home was chaotic and there were more important things to worry about than my feelings i.e. paying rent, getting food on the table, my dad etc. We were definitely living in survival mode which made me disregard my feelings and grow up quickly.
Yes, school was my safe place. I really loved school. I was consistently at the top of my class, won several awards and had a great relationship with my teachers and peers. I felt happiest there. It kind of made me forget my living situation and that I was from a low-income family, and made me feel equal to my peers. I agree I am confident in my academics.. professors and employers describe me as intellectual and advanced for my level. I am confident in who I am as a person, I think I have a good relationship with myself. Haha, it is funny you say “low-maintenance.” My current boyfriend described me like that (in a positive way) early into our relationship, saying his friends’ girlfriends were very demanding.
Yes, my boyfriend’s family is very demanding of his time but he lets it happen. I know he likes spending time and talking with them too, so it’s definitely not one-sided. Yes, this is where I’m feeling difficulty. Feeling emotionally connected to my partner is necessary for me to feel romance and security in him. I know I am a deep person, and I love to talk about feelings and experiences and just understanding people. He is very intellectual and we can have great conversations, but it just doesn’t happen often. Probably because we interact so infrequently. I think that if we both put in the time, we would be very compatible mentally (despite dissimilar interests). I appreciate the way his mind works and we think in a similar way. I think that if he committed the time he commits to his family to me, we could have a very fulfilling relationship. But that does not happen and it makes our relationship feel mediocre to me. I don’t like asking for attention, very strange feeling for me.April 21, 2021 at 10:13 am #378236
Thanks for your replies. You always make me feel better and more at peace. Yes, you’re right. Because we lived in low-income, I was very motivated since I was little to excel in my academics and create a better future for myself. I often fantasize (and still do) about buying my own home and creating the life I’ve always desired since I was a child. It is one of my biggest goals in life.
I love my family a lot and I am very protective of them. Despite being the youngest (my brother is 7 years older) as a child, I always put myself in the middle of my parents’ fights. Whenever my dad gave my mom trouble, I would be the first to go up to him and tell him to leave her alone. My mother was afraid for my safety, since he was drunk, although he would never hurt me. I was not afraid of him. He would threaten my mom a lot, and hold knives to scare her. This did not scare me lol. I would go to the kitchen, get my own knife, and stand up to him and ask him what his problem was. I just remember protecting my mom a lot as a child. I saw myself as a stronger woman than she was, and I felt the need to protect her because she was a fearful person. I matured mentally very quickly and family viewed me as very resilient. My mom still talks about how she never worries about me because I take care of myself, while she worries more about my older brother.
I think I have a hard time fully trusting people and letting them in because I’m scared they will disappoint me, like my dad did. I’m sure it was confusing for me as a child to have a close relationship with someone (my dad) who showed me 2 very different personalities (drunk vs sober). I think I truly only trust myself.April 21, 2021 at 9:05 am #378228
Thank you Teak and Anita for your responses.
I 100% think he is a good person. I just question if we are compatible.. if he is the right person for me and if I am the right person for him. I think the reason I’ve had several short-term relationships is because, subconsciously, I am looking for something “wrong” as you said Anita. It probably does stem from my fear of having a marriage like my parents’. I have always wondered why my friends have been in 4 year relationships, and despite having problems, will always want to get back together, whereas I am fine with leaving a relationship if something isn’t working. However, a healthy marriage and healthy environment for my children is very important to me.
I do agree, I do come off as a relaxed girlfriend, which maybe I intentionally try to be. I’ve never been good at communication with partners about how I am feeling, which has led to feelings of resentment. Shortly after I wrote my last post, I met my boyfriend and when he tried to be intimate with me, I was resisting. He could tell something was wrong and literally had to PRY the information from me, because I was that afraid of sharing how I felt. I think I also have a fear of partners leaving me, which is why I hold my feelings back. I did tell him that I’d like to have a check-in at least daily. He agreed he could do that and it lasted for a few weeks, then tapered off (which usually happens when I bring things up). I find it hard to ask for my needs to be met, like maybe I am asking for too much or I am being difficult. Since I was a child, I’ve been very independent. Because my home environment wasn’t the greatest, I relied on myself for excelling in my academics and being successful in my future. I do not like asking for help from others.
I have a great relationship with my mom. She is loving, supportive and caring. My dad and I are close as well and I still love him despite what he put us through. When he is sober, I enjoy being around him. But when he is drunk, I hate him (harsh, but it is how I feel in the moment). I try to blame his alcohol addiction instead of him because I would never not want to have a relationship with him. I would still do anything for him. I know my upbringing has affected me in ways I can’t control and might not be aware of. But how do I work through this? I want to have a healthy view on relationships but feelings of doubt and pessimism always seem to haunt me. I appear as a very confident and relaxed person to my friends and partners, but I think I am definitely insecure.
January 21, 2021 at 11:18 am #373246
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Ashmitha.
Yes I think you may be right. He does say he can stretch himself thin sometimes because he wants to be there for those who need him. I wouldn’t say he is a complete pushover, he knows how to stand his ground with people he is not close to, but I think he fails to with people he is close to. I am quite the opposite so this trait of his has bothered me in some instances. But he is a kind hearted person and is trying to do the right thing. Sometimes I definitely wish he had more of a backbone. I have definitely felt like I come second to his sisters and cousins and this has bothered me in some instances. He is very close with his family.
I’m not sure how I would demand more time from him. I can see how our texting could get boring at times since we have pretty different interests, which is why I text less now. He doesn’t need to hear everything I want to talk about. I find my girlfriends and I have more similar interests and will engage more. He texts his male friends a lot sometimes, but they talk about sports and jokes. Him and his cousins talk about our cultural music etc (I don’t listen to it much).
You said I should not ask him to text me more. What do you suggest? I would be happier and satisfied with our relationship if we had more communication but I don’t want to force it.
January 20, 2021 at 2:06 pm #373212
- This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Ashmitha.
It sounds like he may not be ready for a relationship yet if he still talks about missing his ex. And the fact that he warned you before you had sex, that he didn’t want anything serious, may be a confirmation for you.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, it happened. Try not to obsess over this either. Just keep in mind that he TOLD you he doesn’t want anything serious aka a relationship. If that’s what you’re seeking, you might need to look elsewhere to avoid getting more hurt. You can see if he replies normally. Just don’t expect a relationship now that you’ve had sex. Not everyone views sex the same way. It’s probably better to let him heal from his ex and for him to choose a relationship when he is ready. Don’t rush him or it will bite you in the butt. You don’t want to be with a guy that still has feelings for his ex girl.January 20, 2021 at 1:54 pm #373211
Oh wow, that is impressive you have learned from studying others!
I would say we have consistent conversation maybe 2-3 times a month usually. But going from that to barely talking other days feels hot and cold sometimes. He is online a lot during the evening after his work hours, so he is likely talking to friends/ family. He has lots of group chats. Also, his work is only busy at the end of the month. Other than that, he has told me he has a lot of free time, since he has been working at home. It is mostly the evenings after his work hours where I am disappointed to see no response when he is online.
He has confided in me about friendship problems recently with a few of his friends and I gave him advice to not let people step all over him. Also telling him it is okay to make his friend circle smaller, and hang out with the people he truly likes over people he has told me he does not like. I am more of a blunt person and he has more of the people-pleasing personality type. I am more comfortable with being close to a smaller circle of friends and being open about it. I have a large circle of friends as well, but I maintain closer contact with the people I have found to be loyal and exhibit no toxic behaviour. Other than that, it will be random nights we end up having a long conversation. I am not saying anything negative to him or disregarding his feelings. I’m always there for him when he wants to talk. Everything is over text btw.
I am thinking of communicating these feelings with him the next time we meet in person because it does bother me. I don’t want to come off as though I am blaming him or forcing him to communicate with me more. But I would like to feel like my needs are being met in my relationship. Is it normal to have to have these talks about needs being met every few months in a relationship?January 20, 2021 at 12:21 pm #373204
Thank you for your response. Sorry if I was unclear, we were still seeing each other but not officially in a relationship because he was processing the death in his family and was not ready to be fully present. We took a break of not talking for 2 months and then entered a relationship. He considers that we have been dating for 1 year and 3 months.
I think you are right in that he separates his relationship with me from that with his friends/ family. When I told him I didn’t feel like we were close friends, he was surprised and said he did consider me one of his closest friends. But I do not receive the same treatment his friends and cousins do which confuses me. We do have moments where he confides in me and we text for hours but it does not happen very often. We usually go most days with me receiving 1-3 texts from him, although he is online a lot. He does have responsibilities in his life as he is the eldest child and works full-time but since he is working from home now, due to the pandemic, I would like more communication. I am a graduate student pursing my Master’s degree in Health Sciences so I am busy too but I make time for him.
Do you think I can do anything to encourage him to communicate with me more? He is a really nice guy and our morals are aligned. I think we could be close friends which I want, but I don’t know if he sees it that way. I do definitely agree that he compartmentalizes me as his girlfriend but I want to change that. I have been told by close friends (females and males) that I have a great personality and they love being a close friend of mine. I just wonder why my own boyfriend does not see it that way.
Also I have read your replies in the past too. You are very wise and intelligent. I wonder, do you have a background in psychology or something related? Talking to you feels like talking to a psychologist. Thank you for your incomparable advice, Anita!January 20, 2021 at 9:33 am #373185
You don’t sound very sensitive to other people’s problems. It is good you are strong, yes, but a relationship requires you to be open and kind hearted with your partner. Not everyone is perfect, you will see everyone has some sort of baggage, yourself included.
And your reply to Anita was quite rude considering she was only trying to help understand why you’ve been single your whole life. Try to be nicer, maybe that will help.