Dear Namaste87:

It is clear to me that your parents’ affect on your life is negative. Having contact with them is damaging to you and it will be therefore damaging to your child as well. On the other hand, if you end contact with them, you will feel more shame and guilt. Living with shame and guilt is damaging as well.

It is possible for a woman to end contact with her parents- in any culture (when living in a different country)- and no longer feel the shame and guilt, but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. Ever since I was a teenager, if not before, I dreamed of not having my mother in my life, it felt like it would be a magical experience of freedom, like a bird flying in the clear blue sky. But when I finally ended all contact with her 8 years ago, anger and guilt followed me for years: sometimes I was angry at her, at other times I felt painfully guilty. But my overall mental health improved early on after ending contact, continued to improve, and recently I made great progress in feeling peaceful and  in the right for having ended all contact.

The fact that your husband wants you to remain contact with your parents is a problem that I did not have. It would have made it very difficult for me to end all contact. I only hope that if your parents mistreat his child, that your husband will change his mind about having your parents in your child’s life.

“he still says, they will have some role to play in upbringing our child…  one of the reasons, I have realised I struggle, is the extreme affection showered by my parents and the abuse inflicted by them at the same time”- (1) I imagine that your mother will not abuse your child in front of your husband and his parents.. or whenever strangers are watching. Better not leave your child unsupervised with your parents, (2) When your parents shower your child with extreme affection, and your husband takes comfort in that, feeling that they cannot hurt a child they love so much- tell him/ remind him of the abuse you suffered in between the affections.

You wrote to me: “you pointed out how could I know my mother was a quiet and shy person, I have had some extended family members from my mother’s side of the family say that about her. She is an introvert and socially can be mistaken for someone who is a gentle person! But at home and with some close family members she has been absolutely nasty”-

– I imagined yesterday that your extended family members have told you that your mother was quiet and shy before she met your father. My mother was extremely shy a lot of the time, painfully shy and so lovely and kind and gentle to people (strangers told me how lucky I was to have a mother like her) – but when she exploded- in private- the things she said.. her nastiness was massive in quality and quantity. This kind of nastiness- your mother’s nastiness as well, I imagine- was in her when she was a child, building up.. simmering, waiting for an opportunity to erupt to the surface.

“Now the question remains, over how I could minimise contact with my mother. Yes, I would feel very guilty and ashamed doing so, its not the belief system I have grown up with! My husband often jokes these days, what a different person I am at work (thanks work from home), I am very straightforward, no-nonsense legal counsel. Yet when I am at home and when it comes to personal relationships, I feel so guilty, unsure and so afraid”-

– my additional advice: (1) make sure that no matter what, you will not have your parents, particularly your mother, living with you, in your home, (2) don’t give in to your husband’s wishful thinking (when he observes that extreme affection you mentioned) that your parents have changed in old age, that they are now safe, good people for you and for your child, instead- be firm in what you know about them from your vast, decades-long experience, (3) your mother told you the other day: “I don’t want your advice nor your money. Just want someone to listen to me”, before she slammed down the phone- I suggest that you never give her advice again, and that you offer to pay for a someone in India to listen to her by the hour, or half an hour (not a therapist, you said she will not attend therapy). I am not joking.

anita