Dear Luna,

you’re welcome. You say you like his moral qualities, you trust he wouldn’t cheat on you, he’s a gentleman, extremely polite and respectful of others (professors, elders, and his family and friends), more mature than other guys, responsible and generous.

But he’s not respectful of you when he tells you that he is bored with your conversations (“He thinks our words and chats are boring”), or he repeatedly falls asleep when you agree to have a video call, or he tells you he gets bored with a relationship after a while. That alone is a romance killer, and a red flag that something is wrong, even if he tells you he loves you. Do you want to live with a guy who is bored by you?

On top of that come pretty severe differences in worldview: “Our opinions about life and everything are different and we cant discuss society or politics or life issues with each other because we would get upset or disappointed about the way we think.” How wise is it to share life with someone whose way of looking at life is fundamentally different than yours?

You say you tried to break up with him before but he didn’t take it well:

In the end he insisted that the problems started ever since we moved away and everything would be fine if we tried…. He said that his life would be very sad and unbearable without me.

If he is bored with you while in a long-distance relationship, what would happen if you were there, by his side, day in and day out? Wouldn’t he be even more bored?

What’s coming to me is that he might need you to provide him with some sort of security, perhaps a sense of familiarity, without which he might start feeling anxious. If he had a father with mental problems, whom he tried to save, it’s a similar dynamic like he has/had with you. You might give him the same sense of familiarity, which to him feels comforting. But at the same time, he also resents it – he resents being your savior, like he probably resented being his father’s savior. This resentment manifests in him losing interest in the relationship, falling asleep, and doing other passive aggressive things. Do you think this might be the case?

If so, he doesn’t really love you for who you are, but for a role you play in his psyche, reminding him of his father. As I said before, your bond might be based on trauma, not on true appreciation for each other.