Dear noname:

What if I take two sentence from every month you posted quite randomly, and see what I get?

“I’m going to be 25 yo next month, I’m attending grad school for counseling and plan on being a therapist.. I have made a decision to stop pursuing women for the rest of 2017 or at least until I feel as if I’m deserving of love” (March 2017),

“I am very lonely, despite having a few good friends. I did not realize how much I was suppressing my loneliness with work, school, and exercise until now” (April 2017),

“I can say with confidence that since I’ve embarked on this journey of falling in love with myself that I am probably happier than I’ve ever been in my 25 years on this planet, I’m excelling in my graduate program, athletically, and have made some good friends in the past year, a complete turn around from having been suicidal for the majority of my life… Attempting to get close to a woman is seriously the scariest thing in my life, it brings up feelings of worthlessness, and quickly makes me feel hopeless with any amount of rejection” (June 2017),

” I oscillate between contentment, apathy, and full blown depression on a monthly basis. So I had recently tried dating again and met an awesome woman” (July 2017),

“I just want to feel as if I’m cared for, but I realize I can’t just ask someone to do this. But the need is immediate, and overwhelming” (August 2017),

“My depression is worsening mostly due to life circumstances largely out of my control, and I cannot access my therapist because my car’s engine just blew last weekend, and utilizing alternate transportation is unrealistic due to my work and school schedule. I have random crying episodes that sneak up on me and I’m afraid it might happen at school or work” (September 2017),

“I hate coming on here with seemingly the same issue time after time, but I just cannot feel whole, or satisfied with myself. I see myself as someone who is scarred and damaged beyond repair” (October 2017),

“I’ve reached a point with myself where no matter how much work I put in, no matter how mindful I am, no matter how motivated I am, I still get chronically depressed.. I get depressed because I’m straight up lonely, especially at night” (June 2018),

“I’m glad to report I had a good week last week, I was able to see my therapist, which lead to very productive sessions with my own clients later in the same day… The ups and downs frustrate me and I struggle to accept that anytime I am having a good feeling that it will pass, because as we’ve talked about the pain feels like it will never end every time” (July 2018),

“I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of being in need of love or another person and I’m not sure why. But I feel the need right now for a connection and don’t know what to do about it” (August 2018),

“Without any particular reason or event, I find myself slipping back into depression. I don’t really have an exact reason why, but I have been feeling disconnected from people again, and as if I’m not getting what I need from the relationships I do have with friends” (September 2018),

“A month or two ago I went through a 2-3 week period of feeling really good about myself, feeling, believing, and acting as if I was a good person. Somehow that feeling faded when I tried to start be more outgoing and dating again, and the belief that I’m bad tries to take over when I’m vulnerable with people” (October 2018),

“I go through these cycles it seems of feeling extroverted and confident wanting to invite everyone I meet to my house to hangout or for a meal. Then like clockwork I get depressed and cut myself off and wont leave my house” (November 2018),

“This feeling of worthlessness is so heavy, I’m beginning to feel more and more hopeless everyday…I think above all else I feel worthless because I feel unimportant and disconnected” (December 2018),

“This judgment of myself as needy, worthless, and unlovable is why I’m still posting here, & still going to group therapy…I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but cant find it anywhere” (January 2019),

“I have been feeling more balanced, grateful, worthy, confident, and self loving for the past couple months. My depression has gotten so much more manageable” (February 2019),

“I have been doing mostly well since my last post with the exception of a recent depression that lasted about 2 weeks and seemed entirely out of my control. I have graduated and will be starting a new job hopefully by the end of the month once I get my license certification” (May 2019),

“The reason I have avoided SSRI’s is mainly because I saw firsthand the effects that they had on my mother growing up, and the few times I have tried them the side effects were too much for me, lastly I’m not doing everything I possibly can to fight depression” (June 2019),

“Since I last posted I have been doing in general a lot better than the past couple years… To your point of people living out their childhood experience as an adult, I see this all the time in my work as a therapist and my own experience with it is what makes me a good therapist myself, I have received countless compliments from people how they feel understood for the first time and like things are starting to make sense” (November 2019),

“I’m overwhelmed by hopelessness and loneliness. This feeling of hopelessness leads to a lot of thoughts of death” (December 2019),

“My goal for this year is to work on my mental/emotional health and learn peace…I can’t believe how far I’ve come already and I can only imagine how great life can be if I keep working at healing and take care of those wounded parts of myself” (January 2020),

“I have been somewhat apathetic towards life and unmotivated. I’m still sticking to my routine of meditation, journaling, and exercise regardless” (February 2020),

“I have been up and down this past week… My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her” (March 2020),

“Because of my non-communication my mom began going to therapy and is still in it… Since March I have reached an acceptance on an emotional level I haven’t before that for the rest of my life my parents will never be what I need them to be (December 2020),

“In the past, I was a able to see or feel some glimmer of hope for my future, whether it was being in school, a friendship, or romance. However, right now I see nothing but isolation and it feels terrible to think that is my future, and is keeping me from getting out of bed in the mornings right now” (January 2021),

“I haven’t been great since I last posted…  was seeing a woman last month and it only lasted a couple dates because at one point when she asked if I was doing okay I unexpectedly broke down in tears” (April 2021),

“My mind oscillates between feeling cocky, and more frequently feeling worthless…This inner criticism vs. inner flattery is really an interesting dichotomy that I’m trying to solve within myself” (May 2021),

“I’m still stuck in the cycle of functioning for a few days and crashing into self-hatred, self-harm binges, existential crisis, and hopelessness… My therapist has pointed out to me many times that I need to be in relationship with the ‘I’m not good enough” part of me through the part that feels good enough” (June 2021)

My thoughts today, July 5, 2021:

1) You did not post only when you were feeling depressed, but also when you were feeling better. You often expressed gratitude to me, always gracious to me. I appreciate all this.

2) It may be a good idea for you to get a current professional diagnosis of your mood disorder: it may be depression alone or a bi-polar condition: “I oscillate between contentment, apathy, and full blown depression on a monthly basis… The ups and downs frustrate me… I go through these cycles it seems of feeling extroverted and confident.. Then like clockwork I get depressed.. I’m still stuck in the cycle of functioning for a few days and crashing into self-hatred”).

3) Following getting a correct, current diagnosis, I think that it’s a good idea for you to re-consider SSRIs or other psychiatric medications because of the following reasons: (a) The therapy you received, your education and experience as a therapist, and all other work that you have done so far- did not lead to experience less depression on an ongoing basis: “No matter how much work I put in, no matter how mindful I am, no matter how motivated I am, I still get chronically depressed”,

(b) When you feel emotional pain, you feel it too acutely, too intensely (“the pain feels like it will never end every time”), and that intensity overwhelms you (“I’m overwhelmed by hopelessness and loneliness”). I think that every time you feel overwhelmed by acute emotional pain, the progress and healing done before getting overwhelmed- is lost.

If you took psychiatric medications that will tune down the acuteness of your emotional pain, that is, balance your mood- you will be able to hold on to the healing and progress that you make, and continue the healing process. Instead of the Go! (hopeful, confident, cocky) and Stop! (hopeless, depressed) dynamic of your go-and-stop experience.

Such medications will probably take away from you the emotional ups that you rarely enjoy (“feeling extroverted and confident.. cocky”), but those ups never led you to ongoing healing, only to sprints of healing followed by stops/ standstills/ reversals.

anita