Dear miyoid:

“So I must learn to get over this by myself. I must learn to be peaceful and feel safe on my own… I cannot trick myself into another dependent relationship…  I’ll always miss him because of the family-like feelings he made me feel”-

(1) About the “dependent relationship” part of the quote above: there is a term called interdependence. Wikipedia: “In relationships, interdependence is the degree to which members of the group are mutually dependent on the others. This concept differs from a dependent relationship, where some members are dependent and some are not”.

In a healthy romantic/love relationship, both parties are dependent on each other. Both parties are weak and strong. The woman has to be strong-enough for the man, and he has to be strong-enough for her. It is therefore important that in the future, miyoid, you don’t accept just anyone as your boyfriend. Instead: choose a man who is strong-enough to be in an interdependent relationship with you. And within the relationship, be strong enough for him. If you again accept a man like your most recent boyfriend, a man who is severely mentally ill- a healthy relationship will not be possible yet again.

(2) About the “family-like feelings” that he made you feel: as you know, you did not/ could not choose the family you were born into. But you do have the opportunity to choose a boyfriend.

(3) About the “feel safe on my own” part of the quote: try to aim at feeling safer, instead of feeling safe. I personally have to endure some anxiety every day, and aim at being mentally healthy while anxiety is part of my life. I can’t imagine any person who does not suffer from some anxiety every day, not in our world of violence, sickness, global warming, and so on.

anita