Dear Lindsey:

“Apparently he told (his 7-year old daughter) the night before he would bring donuts when he came to get her.  I called him and he said he still couldn’t find his wallet.  She called him again at 10am to come and get her.  He sleeps a lot.  As I write these things (and I didn’t want to but the more I thought about it I wanted to tell you) I cringe”-

– I bet his daughter cringes too. I can imagine her trusting what he told her, expecting him to show up with donuts just because he said so! If he, sleepily, under the influence of marijuana, overlooks breaking his little girl’s heart little by little, I imagine that he will overlook breaking your heart too.

“my ex husband.. his jealously was his way of showing that he cared.  He was always following me around and it was his way of showing he cared… once he got a girlfriend all of his behaviors stopped. Overnight he began looking at me like I was an annoyance-a bother-someone that he replaced and all his attention was on them”- I think I understand how much it bothers you that you were The One to get his as-if-he-cared attention, until another woman became… the one.

As I see it, you and her, at different times, are getting- not his real, genuine caring- but his as-if-caring attention. When we are hungry for love, as you have been ever since your mother emotionally abandoned you, we’ll accept as-if-love, if that’s all that we can get, and crave it as if it was genuine love.

anita