Dear Lindsey:

You and your Ex are very involved driving your two kids to their separate sporting activities and events, attending those, and he is involved in coaching as well. Therefore, there is an ongoing need for the two of you to coordinate your parenting activities around sports: who drives the whom, when and where. Because your Ex’s girlfriend, “A”,  is very involved in your ex’s life, she is also involved with your kids, helping your ex with the sporting events of his two kids.

You go to most of the games, but there are times that you are unable to do so because of work scheduling conflicts. The theme of your ex and A’s complaints is that you “don’t care about the kids’ sports and don’t come to the games”.

About three weeks ago, A walked past you very closely, almost bumping into your shoulder, and it feels like she did it on on purpose. Yesterday, your ex said, in front of your kids, that you should thank A for her part in the coordination, and it appeared to you that he was making “a minor scene” at that point. Next, you “went over to A and said thanks”. She responded angrily, saying “that’s your job”! You then told her: “I feel sorry for you guys”! and she yelled: “I feel sorry for your kids”!! Other parents heard the exchange.

Your concerns and goals: (1) I’m very concerned with my well-being and with these situations that seem to escalate, (2) I do not want to be a part of divorced ‘scenes’ in public, (3) I do not want to be involved in these things and do not know how to proceed.

My thoughts/ suggestions: (1) I don’t think that there is a need for you to say thank-you to A. Her motivation is to help her boyfriend, not to help you. Therefore, it’s not your job to thank her, it’s his job.

(2) Because of how you feel, it is better that there will be no exchange between you and A: no conversation, no comments. Keep as much physical distance between you and her as possible. Let your Ex know of this. Tell him to not suggest any communication between you and her, such as thanking her, and tell him that the #1 priority for you and him as co-parents is to not distress your kids with any expressed conflicts between the three adults in their lives (their mother, their father, their father’s girlfriend).

(3) Let your kids know about #2 as well, so that hopefully they will not fear future confrontations between the three adults involved. Again, the #1 priority for you and your Ex  is to provide a safer, calmer environment for your kids, indoors and outdoors.

(4) Best would be if you and your Ex, as co-parents, attend one or more sessions with a psychotherapist or a counselor so to establish rules of engagement: specific, spelled-out ways for the two of you to interact in ways that are most effective and least confrontational.

(5) Express and process your hurt and anger at your Ex for having replaced you “(Ex) was always following me around and it was his way of showing he cared.. once he got a girlfriend all of his behaviors stopped. Overnight he began looking at me like I was an annoyance-a bother-someone that he replaced and all his attention was on them”, July 12), in individual therapy (not including your Ex). If this is not a possibility, there are other ways for you to express and process these feelings: one way would be to express/ vent it right here, on your thread.

anita