Dear Linarra:

This will be a long post. I hope you have the patience to read through it, part by part perhaps, taking as much time as you need. When I quote you, I will italicized the quotes:

“Do you have people in your life now who ask you questions and care for the answer? “- yes.

“And are you in a place where you can answer them safely now?“- Yes in regard to specific, concrete questions asked in a positive, curious, inviting way (tone of voice, facial expression) like my uncle asked me, ex.: what do I think or feel about this or that phenomenon or situation, No in regard to general, abstract questions (no matter the tone/ facial expressions of the person asking), questions like:  How-was-your-day? Did-you-enjoy-(whatever)? How-are-you-feeling? and the worse, for me: Are-you-okay?

When asked the latter questions, I feel as if I am attacked, and I automatically recoil/ withdraw, feeling uncomfortable. I then search for a quick, vague answer (ex.: I-am-fine-and-dandy,-thank-you), hoping to get rid of further questioning as quickly as possible.

“I am sorry your mother made you feel unsafe, and that you weren’t able to reply to your uncle because of her“- thank you for your expressed empathy. I wasn’t able to reply to my uncle’s specific, concrete questions, asked with curiosity and interest, as if he really wanted to hear me because my mother was sitting there looking at me with that threatening, disapproving look, saying nothing, but delivering the message: I-am-going-to-kill-you-if-you-say-anything/the-wrong-thing.

Fast forward to adulthood, when asked a general, abstract question, unless I come up with “fine, thank you”- I am suspended in a land of what-do-I-say-to-not-get-in-trouble, in danger of falling at any time, so to speak. Concrete questions and language makes me feel safer: I can hold on to something concrete and not fall.

“My mother also participated in my quietness. She would talk over me, didn’t give me time to answer, wouldn’t listen to what I say (even when she’s been the one asking)“- this was my experience with my mother.

“She made me feel like no matter what I would say it wouldn’t matter, so I ceased to try at some point“- same here. Ignored so blatantly, talked over, disregarded- it was as if my thoughts and feelings almost ceased to exist: pushed down, suffocated, dying but never dead.

“When someone hears you and it gets you into trouble. I experienced that with my mother too. When she wasn’t ignoring or preventing me to express myself, she was out for war and drama. Spared no one, so we had to be careful not to fuel her. Which was difficult because she could start over the most little things, so the safe way was to share as little as possible“-

– My mother was histrionic, loud and wild and into drama, particularly tragedy with a touch of violence. If I said the wrong (in her interpretation)  word or words (equally problematic, if I failed to say the right word or words), or if I said the right word in the wrong tone of voice, and she was in the mood to react- all hell break loose as she went on to perform a tragic/ aggressive scene on a figurative stage: a performance that I (the audience) was not able to escape, had to stand there watching the whole thing. Sometimes, the performer came down from the stage so to let me know in-person how upset she is, getting the audience involved.

“I would gladly answer your questions if you have any, Anita“- I read and re-read what you posted in your three posts regarding your ongoing emotional experience in childhood and onward, so to lay out a foundation for questions to ask you. Here is what I see as the themes of your emotional experience:

1) Shame and humiliation: “I had a difficult childhood… It was neglectful, humiliating, shameful… I am very socially isolated and I am too ashamed of my situation”

2) Fear: “I had a difficult childhood… sometimes violent…  it could easily take a threatening turn and go out of control… I had general anxiety issues for as long I can remember, they lead me to freeze or back off “.

3) Partial death of self/ minimization of awareness: “I acted as I didn’t exist or mattered during most of my life, to a point I myself have difficulty identifying my needs/wants. Sometimes I have a hard time even feeling real. I guess I have been successful in shutting myself down from existence… I’m so quiet… zoning out.. I run on automatic mode a lot“.

4) Lack of trust in people and social isolation: “I ceased to trust and love my family… I am very socially isolated .. I have difficulty relating to my friends. .. I don’t feel comfortable with most of them… when it comes to open up it always felt pointless or unsafe.. I’m unsure people would tolerate me if I were something else than this quiet presence they invite sometimes… people could be so destructive to themselves and others, especially their family… So many behavior I witnessed made no sense and were scary and hurtful… I’m still worried someone will jump at me, telling me I am a burden and not deserving the help I’m seeking… I just hope I won’t meet too many people denying me during this journey“.

5) Feeling alive and aware: “What saved me during my darkest times, and the only reason why I decided to keep on living despite my life being a mess, is creativity. I love writing and drawing, it makes me happy, stimulated, and my love for it always gave my life meaning when nothing else could“.

Question: do you think that it will be possible for you- some time in the future-  to trust me, this person behind your computer screen (on record are my thousands of replies to members in the last six years)- to not hurt you, to not deny you in your journey here, on your thread?

anita