Dear Anita,

Patience won’t be a problem for me. The conversations here are meaningful, and I have a lot of patience for those kinds of talks.

I’m glad you have people in your life who care about you and your thoughts, and that you are able to answer the concrete questions when they’re asked in a positive way.

It is interesting because I also struggle with abstract questions such as those you quoted. I do know they are not supposed to be an attack (depending on the level of trust with the person who asks of course), but I react as if they were since I don’t know what to answer to those abstract questions, and I’m never prepared despite them being a tradition of small talking… I understand why they would make you feel on the edge to fall. Concrete questions are way easier to deal with.

Personally, since my friends don’t ask me questions other than the abstracts ones, I’ve been trying to make effort on my own to answer those more thoroughly (in an attempt to be known better, so they would feel comfortable asking me more concrete questions later) but often I fail miserably. I hardly manage to finish my phrases on those occasions, despite my efforts. Thankfully, the quick answer option is still available.

“My mother was histrionic, loud and wild and into drama, particularly tragedy with a touch of violence. If I said the wrong (in her interpretation)  word or words (equally problematic, if I failed to say the right word or words), or if I said the right word in the wrong tone of voice, and she was in the mood to react- all hell break loose as she went on to perform a tragic/ aggressive scene on a figurative stage: a performance that I (the audience) was not able to escape, had to stand there watching the whole thing. Sometimes, the performer came down from the stage so to let me know in-person how upset she is, getting the audience involved.”

It seems like your mother was a lot like mine. “Histrionic” is also a term we use to qualify our mother’s behavior, among my siblings. Very wildly performative and dramatic, tragic and aggressive… forcing us to watch and listen to her even if we didn’t care about her disturbing act. And the audience involvement too, at times… So humiliating, especially when she’s onto you. Your (and your sanity too, to some extent) privacy only exists if you do not exist, or do not let her know about your existence. No wonder such an environment while growing up leads to withdrawal…

“I read and re-read what you posted in your three posts regarding your ongoing emotional experience in childhood and onward, so to lay out a foundation for questions to ask you. Here is what I see as the themes of your emotional experience: 1) Shame and humiliation 2) Fear 3) Partial death of self/ minimization of awareness 4) Lack of trust in people and social isolation 5) Feeling alive and aware”

I agree with the themes you defined for my emotional experience. It feels good to have that acknowledged and understood, as a foundation, it is quite rare to discuss with someone who will have that in mind and still dare to talk with me.

“do you think that it will be possible for you- some time in the future-  to trust me, this person behind your computer screen (on record are my thousands of replies to members in the last six years)- to not hurt you, to not deny you in your journey here, on your thread?”

It is definitely possible. From what I read of your replies on this forum, your way of communication seems to be one I can understand, and it is respectful. I do not think it is likely I’ll encounter a lot of hurting here, from you or other members. It seems like a rare safe space. I also intend to respect you and your boundaries, so I believe if any discomfort comes into this talk we’ll be able to discuss it in a well-intentioned and respectful way.

Linarra