Hi Sarah,

I listened to the meditation yesterday, it was really soothing. I should really do it again, and meditate more often. I only used meditation when facing anxiety during specific situations before, but not as an help for my healing process. I should see what I can get from a more regular practice.

You’re right, I definitely made it father than I thought I would when I was young. And I still got things to be grateful for. Healing could be possible. Since you invited me to share my insights, I will.

I wrote my first letter to my inner child. As I had difficulty visualizing her, I chose to expose old childhood pictures as I wrote. It made the process easier. I managed to dissociate those pictures from the shameful feelings they brought to me the few times I looked back at them. The wounds used to make me unable to look at any picture of myself without being attacked by some harsh inner dialogues and feelings. But this time I was able to as they are, without judgment and guilt.

It helped me remember the hope and happiness. I’m not gonna lie, I had depressive phase even during childhood, because of the difficulties. But phases were phases, so that wasn’t entirely without hope and hapiness.  It was easier back then for me to openly express joy and love. Sure, I was introverted and had a lot of struggles, but I was feeling alive more often. I had a bit more confidence in myself despite the external factors that made me doubts. Until it became too much.

As I wrote the letter, I was able to focus on the parts I was proud of and liked about myself when I wasn’t in doubt. It was nice. My inner child had her wounds, but she has also her strengths. And as I wrote to her I was able to see how she could be lovable no matter the circonstances or the path she would have taken in life. She wasn’t the ‘bad’ or ‘not enough’ person as these wounds made her think sometime. She was trying her best with her circonstances, and she had the right to not please everyone. To not be the solution to everyone’s problem. To exist for herself, and not for others.

Wanting to be happy (and not being hurt) and thinking good thing about herself wasn’t selfish or wrong. She didn’t have to be perfect or didn’t have to put other’s people feeling before her own. She tried anyway because she thought it was the good thing to do, and a requirement for her to be lovable to others. Now I’ll have to reassure her about the fact she shoudn’t neglect herself to meet other people’s expectation/need. It’s not good for her, and it doesn’t even worth it. It brings nothing good and nothing real. People who would shame her for her boundaries, needs, or would expect of her to neglect her feelings or betray herself for them aren’t people who would truly loves her anyway.

I think, maybe, she fears that genuine unconditional love doesn’t exist, or is so rare she won’t encounter it. After all, she’s been raised on conditional love. And I’m not sure I can entirely reassure her on that. But I can at least tell her good people exist, and can appreciate her. I don’t know if this can be called love. Love from people isn’t a notion I entirely feel safe with, as the people who claimed to love me also had expectations from me that hurt me. And I believe a lot of people ‘love’ the same way the people who hurt me did.

These people who are willing to respect me and are appreciative of what I can provide to them without hurting myself, is it some kind of love ? I wonder. I like this though. Even, if it’s not love, it is quite good. Probably it is enough, I just wish I wasn’t such a rare occurence.

I think I can at least promise my inner child to try my best to love her unconditionally. After all, we’ve spent our entire life together, and we’re going to be with each other until the end. It doesn’t worth it, to play the game of life with the rules/conditions others taught us to believe. We learnt to love ourselves conditionnally because we’re imitating others. It is a painful game, and there’s no peace or happiness to achieve with those rules of conditional love. It is unwise to keep at it, if it only brings more suffering.  Life is already tough enough, resilience is hard to achieve when having no support. And if I can’t rely on anyone but myself to support my inner child. It’s not like anyone’s love and care could efficiently compensate for lack of self love and self care.

All of this makes sense, but I have yet to figure out what actions I should take to reinforce these thoughts, to implement self-care and self-love, and to pursue my healing. Journaling and meditation should be good tools for this. And keep talking with people who shares similar experiences on this forum is very helpful too. There’s more clarity when I’m talking with people who understand.

Thank you for your encouragement Sarah, it means a lot.