Dear Anita,

” I think that a lot of the people, most of the time, do not selflessly and genuinely care about the thoughts and feelings of others: too many people are too busy and/ or too troubled to have the mental space to genuinely and attentively attend to others.”

I have come to the same conclusion in regard to that. It is good though, to hear that few relationships of quality can be enough. I think it could be for me too.

” You therefore did not have the thoughts you have today. Back then, the child-person that you were, was way more emotional than intellectual […] When you share about your childhood using words, thoughts, ideas, analyses- all which did not exist when you were a child- it is not really the child you were that is confiding. No wonder confiding with others as an adult did not make you feel better.”

It is an interesting hypothesis, I believe there may be truth in it. From quite early in my youth, I valued analyses (though there were probably very clumsy), I was very intrigued and craved an understanding of people and complex situations. I was trying very hard at that because I saw my family falling apart before my eyes, and being analytical was my way to cope. I sought help in gathering knowledge when I had the opportunity when I became older, and it did help to some extent,  but I neglected the emotional aspect of the whole mess. Emotions were especially messy things in my eyes, probably because of how little control my mother had over her own emotions. From my observation of her, being emotional brought bad consequences, so as I grew up shutting my emotions down. Now I see this ‘solution’ have its own kind of bad consequences.

“Here is what I suggest, consider in your next post doing the following exercise: share about your childhood experience with your histrionic mother using very simple, child-like vocabulary, avoiding any wordings, ideas and analyses that you read about and thought about as an older teenager and adult. If you are not willing and/ or able to do this exercise- that’s fine with me. If you think that it might help you if I will do this exercise (regarding my own experience with my histrionic mother), on your thread- let me know. It will be difficult for me, and I have never done it before online, but I am willing to try.”

I am going to try right there, though I don’t know how successful it will be (how far  I can go back with the childish thing) but I will try.  You do not have to do it, as I am not here to force anyone either, but if it is something that can bring you something good then feel free do to so. I would be interested in reading it, but only if you sincerely do want to share it.

Here goes nothing : (These thoughts feelings are coming from different situations, which hopefully will speak for themselve)

– My mother talk too much. She is angry. She is upset. She is sad. She’s worried for me. She’s angry at the people outside, because the people outside are being bad with me. Are they really? I don’t know, but she feels very strongly about it. It is stressful. If she’s reacting like that, she must have good reasons to worry. And people wouldn’t just be bad towards me for no reason. I probably did something wrong, for people not being able to be good with me. Is there something wrong with me? I made my mother upset towards the strangers, she is gonna be angry at the strangers and the strangers will be upset too, and sad. And I can’t do anything about it. Why couldn’t I have the right behavior, so nobody would be upset and hurt.

– This person was mean to me at school. I didn’t understand why. I am crying. I shouldn’t cry, not in front of my mother. She will ask, and she won’t let me off until I explain. And I can’t lie. So I tell her. And, oh no, just as I thought, she gets angry. She warns me she is going to take action. I don’t like how she takes action. What if the student tries to get back at me after that? Will I be humiliated as she talks to protect me? I hate how she plays me the victim, even putting words into my mouth that I never said. I just wanted comfort, and maybe advice on how to face this myself. This is not her fight. Now I have no control over the situation, she’s taking action without caring how I feel. I would rather disappear than keep hearing her talking and taking over my businesses.

– Why does she have to compare me with this girl? She’s my friend, she did nothing bad. It’s not her fault if she has better grades than be, and that her parents have a “better situation”. Why does she have to be angry and jealous for my sake when I am not? Am I not good enough? I understand she feels rivalry toward my friend’s mother, but it’s her fight, not mine. Why should I dislike my friend for that? It’s not like we are very close, but it’s unfair. She’s kind enough to hang out with me, so she isn’t bad. But now I can’t enjoy hanging out with her anymore. Does my friend also think I am lesser? Does she secretly mock me? Does she stay around me because it makes her look better compared to me? Does her mother also behave the same as mine, trying to make my friend hate me in secret? Or is she a good mother, not pressuring her child? Either way, my mother makes me losing a fight I never wanted to be part of.

– Again with the comparison. I don’t care if it’s supposed to be a praise, mom, if you’re putting someone else down to make me look good, then I must not be any good to begin with. I don’t feel praised like this. But how can I explain it to her? She’s so loud, so confident. I’m so quiet. When I try to explain, she doesn’t listen. I am frustrated, I get angry. And even then the message doesn’t get across her mind. She is just upset with me, hating me for my bad behavior. Once again, I can’t do anything. I feel bad when I am angry, but it feels right. Am I a bad child for screaming at my mother? When she’s also screaming at me and carelessly hurting my feelings? I don’t think so. But she’s also the person caring for me, she’s the adult, she might know more than she lets on. What if she’s right? What if I am a bad ungrateful ignorant child? Should I let her me and say nothing? I am wrong for feeling hurt? Am I too being too sensitive, am I overthinking? Feeling too much?

I guess it’ll be enough for tonight. I hope I didn’t do the exercise wrong.

Linarra