Dear kleineBlumeallaine:

Welcome back. You shared that in the beginning of your 6-year “happy relationship” with your current boyfriend, you sat in a pub, not with your boyfriend, but with a married man with kids. Some time later, you and this married man “ended up drinking a lot” and he kissed you twice. You were in touch with him over time, and he kept telling you that he had feelings for you (“He kept telling me how he always felt like this”).

During the Covid lockdown you were very sick and you felt hurt that “he sometimes disappeared” while you were sick. After the lockdown you met him and expressed to him how upset you were with him for having disappeared. He  then told you again that he has feelings for you (“he started to tell me again that he will never forget me and cant get over it and only if he could just hold me in his arms”), but later, “again he disappeared”.

Next, I will quote you and add my comments: “I am kinda feeling very bad about this. First it looks to me as if I were cheating on my boyfriend emotionally”-I agree.

“Secondly, its a lot of years passed on, I don’t want to do any damage to anyone (I actually wanted to meet him up now to tell him to work on his relationship at home”- I don’t think that it’s your place to tell the married man to work on his marriage. I don’t think that it is appropriate for you to meet with him again for any reason.

“I’m out, in no matter what set up”-then don’t meet him again and have no communication with him otherwise.

“Thirdly, funnily, I do feel kind of rejected as I invested a lot of time with this person just so he can disappear and dismiss all my questions”- you invested your emotions in an emotional affair (+ a couple of kisses and whatnot) with a married man with children, and you are feeling hurt by him having stopped communicating with you/ disappearing. Did I understand your situation correctly?

“I cant really talk about this to anyone which makes the whole thing even harder, as I am super embarrassed, feeling guilty, and weak”- when you say that you are feeling “weak”, do you mean any of the following: that you keep thinking about this married man, missing him, wanting him to contact you and tell you that he didn’t disappear because he forgot about you, that he will never forget about you, and that he can’t get over you?

anita