July 17, 2021 at 3:15 am #382994
been a while ago since i have been here on this forum, my problems back then were more about my family and me taking charge of what that relationship should be. Thank you again for your help with that.
This time i would like to ask your opinion on something different, yet similar. I live in a quite happy relationship with my boyfriend for over 6 years. In the beginning of that, i applied for a job at a friend i knew: something at the interview felt just off so i declined. He really wanted to know, why i didn’t accept the job so he asked me to meet up and talk about it. I was very straightforward and told him i didnt have the feeling he had pure intentions- he told me thats not the case but in the end we ended up sitting in a pub talking 6 hours straight. Fast forward a couple of years, he kept me emailing and messaging from time to time, but i havent met him in person for a couple of years. 3 years ago he wanted to meet up, telling me he is depressed,because someone close to him died and he really looked so upset, i just wanted to cheer him up. We ended up drinking a lot and he kissed me. I told him no. He did it again. I came home (troubled), told my boyfriend, who was furious about it (understandable) and decided to meet this guy again and put an end to it in person (he is also even married with kids). He kept telling me how he always felt like this. I decided i will stay with him friendly as long as he keeps an arm length distance from me. This worked out quite well and then Covid lockdown came, he sometimes disappeared when anyone could have shown compassion (for example when i was really sick, in the middle of the pandemic), but i always knew he is just here because he is bored or hurt my feelings so i didnt take it seriously .
As the lockdown passed, we met again and i adressed all the issues which troubled me and tried to put my foot down and make a point. He apologized which looked sincere and also told me some background information which i do believe is true so im okay with that. Then he started to tell me again that he will never forget me and cant get over it and only if he could just hold me in his arms.
After this i went on long holiday and he kept messaging me every day talking about just non important things (movies and such, seemed innocent enough).
Now for a while again he disappeared, his last text was something like if we meet he will give me something for my birthday but he actually sounded like i am making him do this. I asked him whats up and texted him we can just forget my birthday thats not a must. nothing came back.
i am kinda feeling very bad about this. First it looks to me as if i were cheating on my boyfriend emotionally, secondly its a lot of years passed on, i dont want to do any damage to anyone (i actually wanted to meet him up now to tell him to work on his relationship at home, im out, in no matter what set up), thirdly, funnily, i do feel kind of rejected as i invested a lot of time with this person just so he can disappear and dismiss all my questions.
i cant really talk about this to anyone which makes the whole thing even harder, as i am super embarrassed, feeling guilty, and weak.
please let me know what you think.July 17, 2021 at 5:34 am #382995
Welcome back. You shared that in the beginning of your 6-year “happy relationship” with your current boyfriend, you sat in a pub, not with your boyfriend, but with a married man with kids. Some time later, you and this married man “ended up drinking a lot” and he kissed you twice. You were in touch with him over time, and he kept telling you that he had feelings for you (“He kept telling me how he always felt like this”).
During the Covid lockdown you were very sick and you felt hurt that “he sometimes disappeared” while you were sick. After the lockdown you met him and expressed to him how upset you were with him for having disappeared. He then told you again that he has feelings for you (“he started to tell me again that he will never forget me and cant get over it and only if he could just hold me in his arms”), but later, “again he disappeared”.
Next, I will quote you and add my comments: “I am kinda feeling very bad about this. First it looks to me as if I were cheating on my boyfriend emotionally”-I agree.
“Secondly, its a lot of years passed on, I don’t want to do any damage to anyone (I actually wanted to meet him up now to tell him to work on his relationship at home”- I don’t think that it’s your place to tell the married man to work on his marriage. I don’t think that it is appropriate for you to meet with him again for any reason.
“I’m out, in no matter what set up”-then don’t meet him again and have no communication with him otherwise.
“Thirdly, funnily, I do feel kind of rejected as I invested a lot of time with this person just so he can disappear and dismiss all my questions”- you invested your emotions in an emotional affair (+ a couple of kisses and whatnot) with a married man with children, and you are feeling hurt by him having stopped communicating with you/ disappearing. Did I understand your situation correctly?
“I cant really talk about this to anyone which makes the whole thing even harder, as I am super embarrassed, feeling guilty, and weak”- when you say that you are feeling “weak”, do you mean any of the following: that you keep thinking about this married man, missing him, wanting him to contact you and tell you that he didn’t disappear because he forgot about you, that he will never forget about you, and that he can’t get over you?
anitaJuly 17, 2021 at 6:42 am #382996
<p style=”text-align: left;”>thank you so much for your quick reply and for the advice on what to do, i did think as well not even meeting him or explaining him would be the best as it cant come anything good from this and also he tends to be in person getting upset quickly and telling me its my fault he is unhappy. i just didnt want to be a cold person. but knowing all of it i already deleted all his contact information last week.i will certainly take your advice on this.</p>
Couples of kisses and what not: only that two, i am not the type of person for this and thats definitely not the type of person i want to turn into.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>feeling “weak”: no, thats not really what i meant. every time he disappears i feel i can finally breath and go on with my life and i can fully concentrate on what i would like to achieve. i am definitely not daydreaming hoping he would come along and choose me. i dont believe in any “love” like this: for me its clear that this is not love and that this is unhealthy and that it can not end well.</p>
i meant by “weak” i kept going along with this, putting up boundaries , but still, even if i knew from the start its wrong and i do feel sorry for this person (and feeling a bit manipulated) every time he keeps telling me its my fault, that he is unhappy. i wish i could go back in time and just never met him up in the first place. but its too late for that.July 17, 2021 at 7:50 am #382999
You are welcome. “he tends to be in person getting upset quickly and telling me its my fault he is unhappy… he keeps telling me it’s my fault”-
– Meaning, he thinks, or wants you to think, that you caused his unhappiness. Did he tell what it is that you said or did (or failed to say and do) that caused his unhappiness?
anitaJuly 17, 2021 at 8:31 am #383001
no, he always just says it in general, like
”im a broken man because of you”
”i cant sleep because of the situation”
”last time you didnt talk to me i was so depressed they wanted me to be admitted to the hospital because i almost killed myself”
or he says
<p style=”text-align: left;”>”you know exactly what could make me very very happy”</p>
honestly i know its not my fault but as i listened to this for a while i sometimes already tend to believe it.July 17, 2021 at 9:09 am #383003
In your message before last, you wrote that you were “feeling a bit manipulated” by this man. I think that he has manipulated you a lot, not just a bit. There is a lot of manipulation in telling you: “last time you didnt talk to me I was so depressed, they wanted me to be admitted to the hospital because I almost killed myself”.
From what you shared, I don’t see any basis in reality for you to feel guilty in regard to this man. Your feeling of guilt in regard to him probably extends from your feeling of guilt regarding your parents. You shared in May 31 this year that your parents pushed you “into this role of the unthankful, cold child.. I feel guilty: it is somehow tempting to believe they are right and I just have to fix myself to have a loving family”.
You wrote back then: “Luckily I am in a good place: I have a loving boyfriend (5years), good friends, a home and a steady job”, but the guilt carried on, and this married man triggers it. Is my understanding correct?
anitaJuly 17, 2021 at 9:25 am #383004
thank you for your thoughts on this.
Yes, thats sounds very much on point, while i read your answer i actually started to cry.
irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.July 17, 2021 at 10:18 am #383009
You are welcome. I like your attitude: taking personal responsibility where and when it is warranted, and being motivated to better yourself. I am motivated by the same. To better yourself- try to not take responsibility for what you are not responsible for, such as this man’s unhappiness and your parents’ emotions and behaviors!
And post again anytime you want to.
anitaJuly 17, 2021 at 11:01 pm #383025TeaKParticipant
I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?
It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.
Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.
irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.
It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…July 18, 2021 at 12:39 am #383027
thank you for your answer!
yes, that’s true i never complained to this man) or anyone else) about my boyfriend- there is really nothing to complain about, my boyfriend is one of the best people i met and he loves me very much every day.
thank you for your advice as well, i am definitely not staying friends with this man. additionally to all of the above, last time when i wanted to go home early, i stood up and he used force to keep me seated. that scared me a lot.
have a nice sunday and thank you both of you for helping me out! so great to know i can just post here my thoughts.July 18, 2021 at 2:30 am #383028TeaKParticipant
you’re very welcome. The fact that he forced you sit down and stay in his company is just one more sign, and a strong one, that you should stop friendship with him and free yourself from his emotional abuse.
Have a nice Sunday yourself and post whenever you feel like it. All the best to you!