Hi Erica,

I am glad sharing my experience was able to provide you some hope, and helped you feel less alone in your fight.

” Now i am about to start recovery and therapy. I have a lifelong pattern of quitting therapy as soon as it gets painful and difficult, but at this point it has become life or death. I know I must face, finally, all the broken, unlovable, and darkest parts of me now. I am entering the “long dark night of the soul” and I have to also, like you, learn how to reparent myself.”

I am proud of you for being willing to face your wounds, and go to recovery and therapy again despite the real difficulties there are to face such pain and darkness. A lot of people chose to never face it, it’s a sad truth, but you are willing to and it means something. It means a lot, for you, and for others. It means you are strong, you are not giving yourself up despite knowing the difficulties you’ll meet ahead, and it’s a great gift your are giving yourself and anyone in a similar situation. You are not alone. We are trying, we are struggling, we may be quiet, but we are many. Seeking for this strength inside use, seeking for this strength within others so we can have the hope it can be done. And I firmly believe it can, it’s not easy but it worth every little bit of efforts. The courage you are gathering when facing this recovery, is flourishing everywhere around you and within you. You are planting seeds of hope for your future, and for the future of other people like you. It is priceless and beautiful.

“You mentioned you are young, but you seem incredibly self-aware, thoughtful, and empathetic. What I need to tell you is to be gentle with yourself, but learn now, whatever it takes, to be your own best advocate and fiercest best friend. That ‘s what I would actually write to myself if I were writing to my teenage or 20-something self. I didn’t. I ran away from everything and lived on crumbs from others and never learned how to take care of myself financially or emotionally. Now I am here. I’m not complaining. I know there’s always hope, but I would like to see others not have to suffer so long before they can find true help.”

Thank you for your kind words. I am still learning about all of this, and it feels good to have people encouraging me towards this path. Some others who didn’t learn to take care about themselves, especially emotionally, encourages people to follow their path, they think neglect is the way. You know better than to pass this on like your mother unintentionally did to you. We know better, and there’s plenty of hope to share here.

It is very difficult to learn to take care of ourselves financially and emotionally when had nobody to teach us these things. But thankfully, we are not alone, and help can be found. Life is waiting for us to make this recovery, we can find our way back into existence, overcome this, create meaning out of our experience.

“I want to help take the stigma away from experiences like ours.” “I also have always felt like I had a big calling in my life to write and heal. The world needs people like you, with experiences that can also heal. Never forget that. Your pain can become your gift. Energy can only be changed, right? So we have to find ways to transform what hurts into what heals.” It is really important, a lot of people need this. We need this, we needed it before and we still need it. I am glad you are finding a calling and a purpose in transforming the pain and difficulties into something meaningful. Life shaped you, was rough, and yet you’re thriving to build strength from there. It is beautiful and hopeful, and so many people need to know healing can happen, and what helps.

I’m going to research on these “Somatic Experiencing” meditation, I am willing to try anything that could be helpful. And the relation between the mind and the psyche is interesting, I didn’t explore it enough.

I agree if your quote, I have been interested by Carl Jung’s ideas and psychology for a while, especially the “shadow”.

Thank you for sharing your affirmations. I think the safety components are those for which I am struggling the most, even all of them will need a lot of work on my part.

I wish you well on your recovery and therapy, you can do it. You are strong, intelligent, and aware of what you need, you are already on the journey, and you will get there. This calling your pursuing and these good habits you’re nurturing are building your strength and resilience. Keep taking good care of yourself, struggling isn’t failing. You are doing great.

Linarra.