Hi Sarah,

I found the Breath meditation, thank you. I also found an audiobook of Man’s Search for Meaning so I’ll be listening to it. The two others seem more difficult to find for me but I’ll keep their references for later.

“It seems like your trauma response is feeling like you’re a burden, desiring any attention even if negative because of neglect, guilt for boundaries etc. The next thing you need to do is connect these with childhood beliefs. Where do these stem from?”

It sounds right… I think I felt like a burden because my parents were never meant to be together and used their children as an excuse to stay together and make each other miserable. Because of that, my mother made me felt like we had to be indebted for the basic care they provided. When we were expressing disapproval when we weren’t respected, when we stood up against verbal abuse, or when we were expressing any displeasure with our environment/education, she would argue she has sacrificed her life for us. We were a mistakes and we should be grateful for the care she provided. She also constantly wanted me to take her place as the mother when I was a teen, and I constantly refused despite knowing she was struggling, so I felt guilty and like a burden. Like, I owed her to be a more responsible functional adult than she was despite being too young so I could relieve her from her duties, and I was failing her and my family for refusing.

Of course I know such expectations weren’t right, and I didn’t do anything wrong, it was normal to not be able to be something she wasn’t even able to teach me. Especially with the regular traumatic events going on. I shouldn’t have been left alone with the responsibility to fix my family.

The only attention I got, and the only acknowledgement was when I was a successful emotional support for her. She used me a lot, to do the communication she couldn’t/didn’t dare to do. Among other things: facing my father, trying to convince him to stop alcohol, be the third neutral party in arguments… She confided in me too much. She got me involved in family wars at times I wasn’t able to think through everything. I had to translate the emotions of adults to try and make them understand each other instead of fighting. It left no time to figure out my own unimportant emotions.

But my emotions were important. I was trying to do the good thing by helping my family, I was trying to fix my environment with hope it’ll be peaceful again. It’s alright, I couldn’t know it wouldn’t work, I didn’t know better and I tried my best. I wasn’t in control of what was happening, but I tried very hard to do what I thought was the right thing. It wasn’t enough but it wasn’t my fault. It shouldn’t have be my job. And now I deserve to focus on myself, it isn’t selfish.

“It seems like you are really traumatized though because of how long you fought him off without just breaking it off. It shows me you have trouble saying no and goodbye.”

I do have a lot of trouble saying “no” for sure. I have not been taught putting much boundaries with outsiders, once they get close I mean. After all I’ve been pretty isolated when I was young, so I have lacked experimentation. At school, most of the time I would be alone or bullied. Then I started hanging out with people (because you’re less likely to be bullied than alone) and I had a hard time saying no because making enemies could make me bullied more.

As for “saying goodbye”, I don’t think that was the issue there. I didn’t care much about this guy, he just happened to be there and were insisting that he wanted to hang out. I said ‘no’ to him a lot, but I chose to make effort because I didn’t go out of my home nearly enough (a few time a years) and it seemed wise to use these occasions as a sort of exposure therapy for what seems to be some kind of agoraphobia I am having. I was troubled because cutting him off could be confused by me avoiding my fear of seeing people and going outside, and I try to cure myself from my avoidance. It was problematic my friend ended up behaving badly, I felt extra betrayal because I needed a friend at that time, I was clear about my issues, and he still pushed me in a corner where I would have to both be the ‘bad girl’ and give up of the only chance of safe exposure I had.

“Make a list of things you do NOT accept anymore. Inappropriate touching is one of them. How will you respond if someone does this to you? Plan ahead of time. Will you tell them once and then see what happens? Or will you cut them off?”

Making a list of things I don’t accept should help me to be clear with myself. And well, depending if I like the person on other circumstances enough to have patience, I’ll give them a warning and see how they react, if they don’t respect it I’ll cut them off. If I don’t like the person enough I should just cut them off.

The empathy is playing hard on me though, it is difficult for me to ignore people when they are trying to reach out and I feel/know it’s out of loneliness. It shouldn’t be a reason to sacrifice my bondaries though. It’s hard to keep self-advocating when my empathy for others is blurring my own feelings.

“I think you need to cut your mom off and anyone else who traumatized you as a child.”

My mother is the only one who is still in my life, from those who traumatized me as a child, and it isn’t because I want to. If it was possible, my siblings and I would be far away from her and she would never hear from us. Don’t care what happens to her at this point.

It can’t happen yet though. Neither or us is financially independant, the circumstances, abuse and neglect made it quite difficult to be functional enough for regular jobs. So we’re just avoiding interaction with our mother as much as we can.

“When you say she touches you…what does that mean? Like sexually or just lack of boundaries in general? Neither is okay.”

Her touches don’t have sexual intents, she just doesn’t want to understand I don’t want her anywhere my ass, pubis or any sexual organs for that matter, playfully or not, affectionate or not. She thinks because she’s my mother and raised me I shouldn’t be weirded out by that. But, no? I gave up on her understanding as she doesn’t have boundaries for herself as well. I’ll just keep yelling at her when she’ll do it, no matter what she thinks. Thankfully it isn’t happening often, only during weird manic phases. And has not even her worse behavior to deal with. Like, it’s not a traumatic event, just a casual lack of respect among all the others.

“Self-advocacy and self-esteem are the struggles I am seeing you have due to trauma responses. What are some kind things you can say about yourself? What do you deserve?”

I do struggle with positive affirmation but I will try. I am a good person, having boundaries and wanting them respected doesn’t make me bad. I have the right to take actions to protect myself and my boundaries even if it means possibly hurting someone’s feelings, as they are responsible for themselves. I am trying my best to be respectful, but if I am not respected in return it is right to make it known and expect changes, or cutting off. I won’t stand for emotional blackmail, I don’t have to be the caretaker of anyone, especially not to my own detriment. I deserve to have healthy relationships, with mutual respect, and boundaries, not relationships that make me feel like my emotions aren’t respected. My well-being shouldn’t be sacrificed to make any relationship work, this ISN’T a good thing, or a good message to send to others for that matter.

“I’m proud of you. I’ve been reading your responses here and am so amazed at how intentional you are to heal and how you take in everyone’s advice. Don’t exhaust yourself though in the process.  Give yourself breaks too from this. It’s a lot to work through. People will understand if you don’t answer right away.”

Thank you for giving me this option. Since I don’t have the habit the hear my emotions very well yet, I don’t always notice when I overdo things and exhaust myself. I think it’s necessary to be intentional and proactive to heal, but it is important that I remind myself to have breaks or it won’t be as efficient.

Linarra