Hi Sarah,

“You aren’t just taking steps to healing. You are taking leaps. Pretty soon you’ll be on top of the mountain looking back on the person you are now thanking her for getting you here.”

This is a journey I already started years ago, so I am meeting less resistance than I was at the beginning. I already debunked a lot of bad beliefs and opened up to possibilities. Your advice couldn’t have reached my teenage self. I used to be very pessimistic, skeptical at any traces of optimism, I would have liked to be proven wrong but my pain and negativity would have put a big fight if told so without solid proof. I was too closed off to have been reached out. I couldn’t believe outside of my own experience and I hadn’t experienced enough good to believe good people existed. Or healthy people, for that matter. And if it existed I wasn’t one of that breed so there was little hope for me.

Thankfully,  I ended up in psychology major and was taught very interesting scientifically proven things that changed my beliefs had a great influence on my reality, and I also was exposed to kinder people. I was still in great denial of my trauma though, didn’t want to open that can of worms when I was finally experiencing positive things. When I quit college and was alone again, and back home, the real healing journey had to start though. It’s been 4 years since the beginning. I’ll be 25 soon. I am already thankful for some of my past choices.

But I’ve still a lot to do and to uncover as I have been alone on this healing journey, with my biases and fears. And without enough positive input from outside. This led me to another depressive phase with suicidal ideation, which I couldn’t let pass with how far I’ve come already. That’s when I decided to seek some hope and help on this forum. I didn’t expect it would help that much, I needed this more than I would have thought. Even when I opened up to my friends, nobody was able to help me reaffirming that what happened to me wasn’t in my head, that it was wrong, and that I didn’t deserve it. Then again, I didn’t go into the details of the abuse too much with most of my friends. I was too afraid every time I tried to put my reality into words.

My mother had made me lie and hide about the family situation for so long, I had to lie because if people knew she wouldn’t be the one to fall for failing as a mother, I would be the one to fall for being a bad kid. Or rather we would fall together, as I knew she censored me because she was also afraid for her reputation. I guess a part of me is still afraid that if I was sharing my reality people will think bad of me for what I went through, or wouldn’t believe me. It sometimes doesn’t feel real for me too, as I had to convince myself everything was normal and alright for so long.

That’s why it feels good to be able to tell things here and not be shamed for it.

“Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. There are support groups for that such as this facebook one”

Yeah, she does have those traits, and the link works thank you.

“Intentional or not that is abuse. She seems like a very sick person. She is the one who has serious boundary issues- both physical and emotional. You deserve better. And it’s okay to forgive yourself for not knowing she was using and manipulating you as a child. You had to be the adult, the emotional support. Reminds of that Kelly Clarkson song “Because Of You.” I hope you know that you deserved love and attention and emotional support too.”

She is very sick indeed. She has started therapy years ago, but the follow-up is irregular. She’s not at her worse at the moment so there are some improvements. She’s still very difficult to deal with, but I’m grateful for the lesser amount of drama.

I know this song by Kelly Clarkson. I related to it a lot. I didn’t know I deserved love, attention, and emotional support. Now I do, intellectually at least. Emotionally I am still unsure. I will try to not feel guilty or weak for needing that.

“The childhood messages you received as being a burden well you are just started to uncover and deconstruct them  but it will take time. I would revisit this issue with a professional if you can afford one. If not, note this is a major healing milestone- just to acknowledge one’s own suffering in life is important. You know the causes. You just need to go through the actual awakening of the person you were  born to be.”

It will take time for sure. I’ll still have to face some fears to manage to find a therapist. I started searching. I have tried seeing psychologists years ago but it didn’t work out well. They were listening but didn’t give much feedback. There was too much silence, too little reassurance, it stroke right into my wounds, letting my fears filling the absence of feedback. I just stopped, as they weren’t of any help to me.

Now I am searching for a psychiatrist. I didn’t start searching because I felt ready, I did it under the pressure of my brother and my mother who both wanted my disabilities to be diagnosed, so I could receive financial help until I manage to make a living of my own. I am worried, I am unsure how to approach it in a way that would work out well for me.

Until now I was able to progress better alone than with the psychologists I saw. I know therapy can be useful when finding the right one, but I know I can move forward on my own too, at least.

“So if they are triggering to you, remember that she will never change no matter what you say or do. It is not your responsibility to change her. You are her daughter but you are not hers. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.”

Thank you, this fact is clear to me. I had to assert it and repeat it to her enough to not doubt it. I would never give up myself to her.

“Forgive yourself for not being perfect or where you want to be at. Don’t associate it with your worth. The two have nothing to do with each other. You’ve lived through a lot and it’s still hard. But you’re not alone in this mess.”

Self-worth has been way more difficult to reaffirm. I was able to fight my mother about the abuse and possessivity. I was less able to argue when she attacked me on my difficulties. I mean, I argued, but my insecurities show I was still influenced.

She wasn’t the only one though. My father was also verbally abusive and the fact both my parents questioned my worth made me question myself. I considered they could be wrong, but adding the bullying and some insulting observations from some teachers definitely made me think there was some truth there.

Now, well… I guess there are a lot of judgmental people out there who have no idea of how destructive their behavior is. But repairing the idea of my self-worth is quite a lot of work. I’m trying, though.

I am glad I am not alone in this mess though, even if it’s unfortunate so many people went through such difficulties. At least not being alone gives some hope.

“I understand what it’s like being stuck. Networking is a really great tool to finding answers though. For example, I’m a writer so I network with #writingcommunity on twitter. Or I join support groups like The Soulsisterhood I mentioned posts ago. I tell others about my struggles and they offer solutions.”

Thank you for the tips, networking definitely is on my plan. I very much dislike being stuck so I’m always seeking solutions. the putting into action is still the hardest part, it is slow and there’s a lot of obstacles, but I’m not giving up. I believe at some point I will get there.

“I want you to try a visualization practice everyday. Focus on what you really want your life to look like. How would it feel like to be there? What would you need to get there? It doesn’t have to be a conventional life. Maybe you start a business or you partner with a person who has a following already or you build a brand rather than have a job. Fyi- I’m on disability living at home with my mom and I’ve used this time to build a brand image of speaker, writer and activist. I volunteer and am very involved. Volunteering is another way to get yourself in somewhere. It will also give you meaning and purpose to find things to do like this. You never know where it could lead. Maybe back to yourself.”

Thank you for saying it doesn’t have to be a conventional life (being forced into a conventional life is one of my fears, as I am unsure I would fit it and if I can find my meaning there). I am glad you were able to use this time to find a meaningful path and turn your life around. You deserve it. And it is nice to talk with someone who is allowing herself to become what she’s meant to be and follow her purpose.

I stay open with my options, as I know I have to be flexible in case I fail, but after my exploring my needs I chose to go for an artistic path, as it was a calling I was always aware of, yet that I always denied myself (while I followed a more conventional path because it was the ‘responsible’ thing and with hope I could escape my mother faster.) I’ve been learning and exploring for the last years, and my path is becoming clearer as I keep following my instinct and giving it my best shot, even if sometimes I am being hard on myself for not being able to make a living yet. It is a constant game of figuring out the next step, and fighting against my fear and low self-esteem. My mental health has improved as I followed this path, and my self-esteem too. It’s just not enough as I have been pursuing my calling in shame and fear of the judgment of others.

I will try to do more visualization practices, even if I do struggle to have clear visualizations. I want to be able to bring able to live my passions fully and shamelessly. I want to be proud of what I’m dedicating myself to, instead of feeling ashamed. My strength and abilities are expressing at their best when I’m dedicating myself to what I love, they are florishing and if I keep at it I will get farther than what I could have hope for myself. I already am way farther.

Stories saved me so many times, and I want to write stories that can move people and soothe their hearts. I want to figure out a way to be myself, find a place in this world, and be helpful. I want to reach some peace and stability while not denying who I am anymore. What I need to do to get there isn’t exactly clear, I am open to possibilities for as long they feel right. I think if I learn to listen to myself and my needs well enough, learn to stop working against myself with unhealthy self-talk, and if keep learning and figure out each step as I go… Well, I should get there, probably? That’s what I am hoping for at least.

“I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere! So message here as much as you need. If you want to read Man’s Search for Meaning, let me know if you like it. The other two books are on Amazon just search the titles.”

Thank you :). I started listening to the audiobook of “Man’s Search for Meaning”. It is very interesting. I especially relate to the retreat in our inner world to survive the traumatic experiences. My inner world has been everything during most of my life, I relied on it a lot. I had the conversations I couldn’t have outside, I asked the questions that wouldn’t be heard, I found joy inside my own head when I didn’t find it elsewhere. And same when he mentioned finding joy in the beauty of the world, or art. These are important things that keep us alive. I am curious to listen further.

“Lastly, I know this is hard but see yourself. See your true self. See your beauty. See your worth. See that you’re a survivor. See that you mean something. See that you can make a difference. See that your story isn’t over yet. Because life has so much more to offer you. Everything could change tomorrow so why stop now?”

Thank you, I can see bits of it. And I believe it will become clearer as I try to keep healing and create a healthy path that respects who I am.

Linarra