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Hi sarah,
Thank you for the facebook group.
“I’m sorry you have experienced such pain and turmoil. I have had generalized anxiety disorder then found it was related to trauma.”
Does the past tense mean you were able to recover? I can see how it can be related to trauma.
“What sort of catastrophizing thoughts are you having during your anxious moments? Maybe start by recording your thoughts. Let me know how I can help.”
I don’t know what my thoughts are, I think I get anxious before I am even able to form a thought. Or my anxiety distracts me from my own thinking, I am not sure. Most of the time, I have no one to talk to about my anxiety who won’t brush it off in an unhelpful way, so I don’t bother putting it into words. I think it’s a general fear that something will go wrong and that I will not be able to control the situation well, though.
“CBT might be helpful but it doesn’t work for everyone. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy which I’m sure you’ve heard of. Challenge those negative thought patterns by first identifying them and naming your feelings.”
I heard of it indeed. I have been searching for this type of therapy at first but wasn’t able to find an accessible one, where I live there are more psychoanalysts. So my researches on this one weren’t very successful. Still can try to challenge the negative patterns by myself though.
“Meaning- I know you are fearful of social situations but what about them is scary to you? Let’s break it down.”
Sometimes, it’s because I don’t trust myself to know what behavior is expected of me and be able to behave well. Sometimes, it’s because I fear something unpredictable will happen, like having a stranger trying to small talk with me. Or a friend asking a question I am uncomfortable with. Or having to face choices, I hate choices.
When I don’t know the person enough it is impossible to be comfortable around them, there’s always unpredictability and I dislike and fear unpredictability.
“Same goes for your depression. What thoughts are you having at this time?”
It is a bit hard to differentiate the thoughts that trigger my depression from the thoughts that are caused by my depression honestly. But there are thoughts like “It’s never gonna change”, “Whatever efforts I make doesn’t change my situation significantly enough”, “Does it even worth it?”.
A big one, that I don’t seem able to fight, is my apathy for a lot of things. They are a big reason why I don’t go out to begin with. I am pretty much uninterested in the things happening outside. Anything costing me money is a big no to me. And the things that are free, well. I can live without it, I have my own way to be entertained alone, in my home. Making the efforts to do things outside and taking the risk of making a bad encounter doesn’t seem to be worth it.
I know it probably prevents me from good encounters, but I don’t believe much in good encounters in the place I live. Neither do I believe I would be able to make the best of it anyway. I am very suspicious of anything that seems good, I am expecting a catch hiding somewhere.
I only go out when I am forced to. Or when I am forcing myself in an effort of trying to do the ‘normal’ thing. I don’t enjoy myself, I just don’t question it and deal with it until it’s done.
The only reason I would want to be cured of this is to not feel ashamed from being a shut-in or to not feel anxiety from going out after months of not being out. Or to not feel like ‘not going out ever again’ could be a doable option for me. It’s just about not having to deal with the bad consequences of this, not because I feel like there’s something worthing it for me out there. I have no motivation for all this. I just to the efforts because I’m trying to be rational, but I’m afraid if I don’t cure this at some point I’ll be apathetic to the point rationality will not matter. Faking normality will not matter. Healthiness could not matter. It’s to avoid ending up to this point I make effort. But that’s really the only motivation there is. And it isn’t enough…
“There’s worry journaling where for 20 minutes you just write everything that you are worried about like a brain dump.”
I’ll recall this next time I am worried. Thank you.
“I have focus issues too due to stress and learning disability. I have ADD but it’s also trauma related. I’m figuring out how to navigate that myself. It sounds like things are just overwhelming to you and you’re having trouble functioning.”
Yeah they can be sometimes. I hope things will go well for you as you learn to navigate these focus issues. It isn’t easy.
“I think it’s time to ask for help. Professional help. You’re not in complete control. Try to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. That would help. Be upfront about your needs for feedback.”
I will try searching more. I hope I will find it. For sure this time I won’t forget to be upfront about my needs as I don’t have the patience to waste my time by being unclear.
“There’s also exposure therapy. Make small goals for yourself. Instead of jumping to attending parties or talking on the phone, see if you can go to a public place for an hour. Things like that. Come up with some doable goals but also don’t feel bad about yourself if you don’t make them happen. You don’t have to work like a machine.”
Yeah, I am trying that. I don’t say no when my friends want to go out in public places for that reason. I am able to do it. I don’t have panic attacks or anything. I am just numb. Just like I had always been most of the time when being out. I prove myself I can still force myself and do it once in a while. But it doesn’t make me want to do it more. Even the beautiful stuff outside doesn’t worth it that much.
I guess my issue is more that I don’t want to, rather than “I can’t”.
“If you ever want anyone to read your scripts, I can be a good coach or cheerleader (not an editor though lol).”
Thank you for your offer, it’s nice of you. English isn’t my native language though, and since my scripts aren’t in English I’m not going to take you on this offer, but thank you anyway. 🙂
“I’ll reread Man’s Search for Meaning and let me know your thoughts as you do too- either here or on email.”
Alright then. I listened to it further. He mentions the notion of ‘provisional existence’, which is a term I never heard before, yet it describes very well how I felt during most of my time while growing up. I had this uncertainty I would still be live until adulthood. Once I became an adult, I understood it would probably be better trying to live a good life until death finally came, as it could happen later than I thought, but imagining the future is still a hard one to get around. Especially since I still can’t assure my own survival yet.
“Keep thinking about purpose. It’ll help you through the depression. I know it helps me.”
I’ll be trying. Sorry for the later reply than usual. I got a bit stuck figuring out the thought I had during anxiety and depression.
I hope you’re doing well,
Linarra.