Dear Candice88,

I am sorry about your childhood, you suffered a severe trauma. Does your mother suffer from mental illness? Because the things she did to you I believe belong to the category of child abuse.

It’s no wonder that S’ behavior caused such a severe reaction in you. I think it was actually a reaction to your mother’s abuse, only it came delayed. Are you working on your childhood trauma in therapy?

S wasn’t patient enough for that healing process when we were together.

Well, S’ behavior wasn’t fair and would have caused anxiety, or at least upset, in someone less traumatized too. So don’t blame yourself – he didn’t respect you or your plea to text you when he gets home – which wasn’t too much to ask.

Regarding what to do now: I got the feeling that one of your main concerns is that you’re forever ruined (by S) and that it’s not fair, because had S been “enlightened” as he is now, it wouldn’t have happened and you could have lived a more or less normal life, without your childhood trauma being reactivated. And now, you have to “stay ruined” because S isn’t available any more, and you’re stuck with your wound (“bullet”)  for the rest of your life. Is that your reasoning approximately?

What I would like to say is that 1) your childhood trauma was a ticking bomb – it was to get triggered sooner or later. Even if S were an angel, there would have been other life events that would have triggered it. You couldn’t have prevented it from happening. 2) you’re not ruined for life – there’s treatment for childhood trauma and PTSD, 3) you cannot be truly happy with S or M (or anybody else) until you heal your childhood trauma. If you were to get together with S, you’d still need to work on your trauma, before you can really be “whole and healed”. The bullet is still in you, and S cannot take it out. Only you can, with the help of a professional.

How does this sound to you?