Dear Candice88,

I am working on some of it in therapy yes, but I have not pursued therapy with someone who focuses on childhood trauma.

Do seek someone specialized in childhood trauma, because that’s where the core problem lies…

I would love to not be in love with my ex anymore, as that would make the whole process a lot easier.

When you said that, it occurred to me there are similarities between S and your mother: 1) they both made you feel unworthy and also guilty for the fact that they mistreated you, and 2) you wanted closure with both of them, even though they both hurt you badly.

You said about S:

We have so many memories here together that flashbacks came involuntarily, and given my problems with M I began to wonder if some closure with S would help me move forward.

And now with your mother:

When I tried bringing up some of the things I mentioned to you, as a way to seek closure,

The child always hopes that the parent would finally understand how he/she hurt the child, and as a result, that the relationship would improve. Because it’s painful to be separated from the ones we love, not to be able to express our love freely, not to enjoy a deep bond which would be normal and natural, and which is normal and natural in some families.

I too recently tried to explain to my mother how she did give me everything materially, she took good care of my physical needs, but emotionally she wasn’t really supportive. And she rejected it, claiming she was a good mother. But there was still in me a glimmer of hope that she would finally understand, and that we could embrace lovingly, that I could embrace her freely without putting up a wall to protect myself from her. But it’s not possible – I still need to keep that wall up to protect myself from her condemnation and judgment.

So, when you sought closure, you might have wanted something similar: for your mother to understand you, to admit her  mistakes, and remove the barrier between the two of you, so you could have a loving relationship with her again. But it didn’t happen, and it rarely does, unless the parent is working on themselves too.

With S, you sought the same: that he would finally understand what he did to you… And lo and behold: it seems S does understand you and has admitted his mistake, which leaves (at least in theory) the door open for a loving relationship. S did what your mother couldn’t do: he admitted his mistake and even expressed that he loves you.

This is a dream come-true for an abused child: to have the “parent” finally admit their mistake and love the child. That’s why your feelings for S are so strong – because your inner child sees him as the perfect parent, a parent who will finally give the little girl that you were all the love and care in the world, and have all of her needs met. For your inner child it’s heaven, it’s everything she has ever wanted. And now it’s being taken away from her…

But you’d need to realize that your strong attachment to S is in part fueled by this child-parent dynamics. You still feel like a  child, who needs someone to save you. This someone could be S, but he isn’t available, and now you feel like you’re doomed. This is the little Candice’s reasoning.

The adult Candice would need to understand that only she can save herself: that she needs to become the loving parent to her  own inner child. Even if S would agree to do that, and would enter in a relationship with you, it wouldn’t last long because it would be like a parent-child relationship, not two equal adults. And it would be doomed to fail, sooner or later.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.