Dear Linarra:

“If my mother numbed me, our talks are un-numbing me. I wouldn’t dream of not answering even if I was at risk of some kind of anxious cardiac arrest at some point (figuratively, of course, it wouldn’t happen)“- it makes me feel affection for you, reading this.

“Outside of my moments of confusion, it has been a well-known fact for me that my mother was liar. A lot of the stories she told people weren’t true. I did witness so many times she lied about verifiable facts, twisted undoubtable truth. So it isn’t that hard to believe she could have been dishonest to me. I think sometimes I didn’t even believe when she told me compliments or when she told me she loved me“- but like I said before, a child is not capable of believing that her mother does not love her. Are you capable of considering it now, sort of meditating on it when you are calm enough, or tired enough and therefore calmer, thinking of this as a possibility (?)

“Her violence and abuse are less regular since then. It still happens, but she has been improving, and going down, and improving… It is an act, not a real improvement… Sometimes I do not see the ulterior motive behind her temporary improvement“- imagine living with a violent offender who stabs you with a knife 5 times a day, and you say: he/ she improved, she used to stab me 10 times a day.. and the day before yesterday, no stabbing at all!

“I must warn you but I can’t know if I’ll have a relapse about you. I might have to debunk and figure out a lot more before I am able to not feel like my world is on the edge of collapsing. Because I’m on unknown ground. I might have said that I trust myself, it is mostly a bet I’m making. The bet I’m not going to die or hurt myself too much during this exploration. That I will survive the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, and the doubts. Thank you for your patience while talking with me until now, I hope I won’t wear it out too much in the future“- thank you for the warning. I understand.

By the way, a curious thing perhaps: you shared earlier that your language is French (and I assume it is your mother’s as well), so is my mother’s and her siblings’. I grew up with French (although not in a French speaking country). It was my first language, but because I stopped speaking it at 6, I can now understand casual speech only.

anita