Dear Anita,

‘’ I want to tell you before I close this post that I am pleased and at times thrilled to be communicating with you! ‘’
I am pleased and thrilled too, I’m happy to hear the feeling is mutual.

‘’ you can see that the statement in bold is true, but you doubt yourself because you still believe that she loves you, that she is capable of loving. So, on one hand you see cruelty, on the other you think/ feel something like: she can’t be cruel, she loves me!’’

I think it is more of a ‘’She tried to break me but I am not broken enough. I resisted her, so maybe the abuse wasn’t that bad. Maybe it made me stronger, smarter. I have been able to analyze, to be amused from the insanity at times, I was hurting but I also find interesting how mentally broken this family came to be. I suffered, but I survived. Maybe this abuse wasn’t entirely a bad thing. Maybe, if I was able to cope, my suffering doesn’t even deserve to be acknowledged.’’ I am denying my own pain because I forced myself to be okay and I kind of managed to be? But not in a way that allows me to survive in any other situation… And that’s a problem.

‘’ You still doubt your suffering.. are you still looking for it in that mirror (?) ‘’

Hm, not really? I have not been giving many thoughts about my mother for long (except for our talks of course). I live with her but she’s more of a ghost in my mind, I am not giving her my full attention.

I guess I am more looking into the few people I was able to confide in. They would be the “mirror”, but when I do confide I am acting strong, so the reflection isn’t exact. They send me admiration for being able to cope, and they do tell me I should leave my home. But they don’t know I am unable to survive outside, they don’t seem fully aware of the extent of my dysfunctionality. They see what they would do if they were me, but they don’t get the full picture.

Therefore, when I chose to stay, it’s like saying the environment isn’t that bad and that I’m not suffering that much. Which is untrue (I think?). I am just unable to find functionality in the outside world, so I would break down there. I am ashamed about that.

‘’I suppose I kept waiting for years and decades for my mother to finally tell me who is whom and outside that one sentence she said about her doing wrong to me, there was nothing coming my way from her, as far as clarity. I had to get my clarity away from her.’’

In the end, our mothers and our twisted relationship with them couldn’t give us the truth, it kept us in the dark. I understand how figuring out who we are (and who they are/aren’t) can only happen away from them.

‘’but (confused with who-is-whom and who did what to whom), she rushed to protect herself from someone long ago who hurt her, or she rushed to punish someone in her past that hurt her. ‘’

This makes a lot of sense. It was all about themselves, and nothing about us. Even this protection. This is why they never protected us the right way.

‘’You felt close to her and you imagine that she feels close to you and that she will hurt if you take some distance.  All along, not realizing that there is no distance to take, it’s already there as far as she is concerned.’’

I don’t think she’s aware either, but the distance is there. If it wasn’t, she would have seen me as a person. She would have noticed how emotionally detached I was getting from her over the years, how I had to force myself when she asked for hugs. She didn’t notice, she acts as it was all the same, as if I never stop loving her despite the regular abuse. Following your logic, it would be because she still loves the mother who hurt her… She never grew into an adult who knows better. But I still can.

‘’creating more long posts that take a lot of time and energy out of me. Maybe we can produce shorter posts. But I have no intent to no longer communicate with you. It’s the other way around, I hope to keep communicating with you for months.. or for as long as you want to. ‘’

Sorry for the length of my posts. I will try to keep it in mind and keep things shorter. I like our communication, and I like the idea it could keep on for months, as long you also wish to. I will try my best to make my posts more bearable.

‘’ Are you capable of considering it now, sort of meditating on it when you are calm enough, or tired enough and therefore calmer, thinking of this as a possibility (?) ‘’ If you mean, meditating and see as the truth or a possibility in the fact that ‘’a child is not capable of believing that her mother does not love her.’’, yes I can.

‘’By the way, a curious thing perhaps: you shared earlier that your language is French (and I assume it is your mother’s as well), so is my mother’s and her siblings’. I grew up with French (although not in a French speaking country). It was my first language, but because I stopped speaking it at 6, I can now understand casual speech only. ‘’

Interesting. You’re assuming right, it is my mother’s language as well. We’re living in France. Does it mean your mother was coming from a french speaking country before she had you?

” I wish I answered you first this morning, in case you’ve been anxious waiting for my reply. I answered you last because I wasn’t looking forward to the length of your post and the one I expected to put together, particularly given that the content of our conversation is indeed powerful for me too, and exhausting.”

It is alright. It is very understandable our conversation would be exhausting for you, I figured as much. It’s up to me to learn how to cope with my anxiety. I wouldn’t feel good if you had to go out of your way because of those insecurities of mine.  I am feeling bad at the idea of causing you discomfort, so I prefer to take it upon myself and learn to deal with this anxiety. I am very thankful that you care about my feelings though, it is heart-warming. But I also want to do things right by you.

Linarra