Dear Anita,

“What followed this unfortunate truth in my life (it was all about her, and nothing about me)- is that my life proceeded (in the home and in the outside world) to be … nothing about me.”

It is an awful feeling, isn’t it? Everywhere we go, it feels like we are a minor character in our own story. We don’t get to make the choice, we don’t get to make things about us… It isn’t right.

About that, when I observed my friends over years, I was amazed how they were so much about themselves. So much that, for a long while, I didn’t even tried to communicate with them about me. Because my mother was all about herself, and didn’t listen, so surely they were like my mother. Over the years, I discovered while it was right for a few, it was wrong for most of them. Some could care, if I dared to take some space. But until I didn’t and when I still don’t, I am/was an object in the background, even of my own life when I let others take all the space. Not everyone goes out of their way to get to know you, as their mind are already so busy paying attention to those who already know how to speak up already, and dealing with their own stuffs too of course.

All that, meaning… We are doing this to ourselves, because we were taught like this. Making things about ourselves, taking some space… It isn’t always pathological and disrespectful. It can be (and it is recognizable when someone only care about themselves), but for a lot of people… It is just the healthy way, it is just right! Just like they are allowed to exist, take some space and importance into this world, we should be allowed to.

“She didn’t see me as a person… fast forward, I lived my life as if I was not a person (one with certain rights, like physical boundaries/ privacy that should be respected. And about the distance from her, the distance she created, oh, how so very lonely I was and proceeded to be in the outside world.”

I relate to your pain a lot, as I’m still like that. Not feeling like a person. Very lonely everywhere. And don’t expect love and respect from anyone (not even myself until recently, I’m learning).

“she didn’t see your LOVE for her, she saw weakness that can be explored, or something else, but not love. If she saw your love for her, if she felt it, she would have stopped hurting you. (this is a projection I am making, which I feel quite certain to be true).”

I have no idea what goes on in her twisted chaotic mind, what she does see or don’t see. But I have came to learn a thing for sure, my love CAN’T heal everyone. Whether it is because she can’t see it, because it can’t reach her, because it won’t changer her. My love… didn’t matter. It didn’t make a difference. It wasn’t in my power to stop or change who she is, to make her love and care for me. It never was in my power, never will be…

“I feel very good answering right now, no exhaustion at all. I don’t know what you mean by taking it upon yourself to deal with your anxiety- you didn’t burden me at all with your anxiety. I perceive you as a very responsible, socially-conscious person, one who is the farthest from burdening anyone with anything.”

I am glad you feel good. And that you perceive me as responsible enough. I guess I feel the burden of my own emotions, and am very worried it could contaminate others through uncontrollable little signals I wouldn’t be self-aware of.

Too much empathy also lead me to sacrifice myself a lot in the past, which is something that someone risks when they don’t perceive themselves as a person (with rights and boundaries). If it’s anything you could be also prone to, I just want to avoid that. I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness. I value you as a person, and I don’t want any of my difficulties to be an excuse or a reason to burden you, disrespect you or make you feel like your feelings doesn’t/shouldn’t matter.

I hope it doesn’t come across like one of those misplaced caretaking behavior you mentioned in one of our previous conversation. It’s just… my way to try to makes sure communication goes right on both sides, as it is very important for me that we do not ignore our own boundaries for the other.

So it is why, I’m glad you’re able to respond either way is better for you. I am okay with you not responding everything with me (or not responding fast) I won’t take it the wrong way. It is enough if you respond what you feel like responding the most.

“isn’t it wonderful when something positive is mutual? It’s … what I always wanted in regard to my mother: mutuality of something good. Well, it feel good to experience a bit of that with you!”

I crave for this too, so I agree, it feels good.

It is silly, but during the last days I wondered if I should tell you how much I liked talking with you, “if I tell her I appreciate her, if I show appreciation… would she feel offended or threatened? Would it be inappropriate? Is it crossing a line?”
It is probably a projection, because I’m always afraid to care about someone.

But now I’m glad we established we both feel positive things about our discussions. It is a relief to know that I am allowed to care and feel invested in our talks.

Linarra