Dear Linarra:

I read the very beginning and the last part part of your post of a few moments ago, 2:20 am, your time..

“It is an awful feeling, isn’t it? Everywhere we go, it feels like we are a minor character in our own story“- yes, it is.. yes it was, for me. This is how I lived most of my life, a confused observer of other people’s lives, sometimes a passive and confused/ used part in other people’s lives.

I wrote: “mutuality of something good. Well, it feel good to experience a bit of that with you!”, and you wrote: “I crave for this too, so I agree, it feels good“. Not too long ago, I would have felt weirded out by this… as anything close with another person felt weird, unreal, and undesirable. But now- when I read your words, and still, I feel nice, I automatically smiled. It is delightful, a simple experience of closeness… not weird anymore, for me.

“It is silly, but during the last days I wondered if I should tell you how much I liked talking with you, ‘if I tell her I appreciate her, if I show appreciation… would she feel offended or threatened? Would it be inappropriate? Is it crossing a line?’ It is probably a projection, because I’m always afraid to care about someone“- this is it: to care about someone.. yes, that’s what I meant by “closeness” above. I rejected closeness, I refused to care about anyone because closeness/ caring/ love meant pain.

“But now I’m glad we established we both feel positive things about our discussions. It is a relief to know that I am allowed to care and feel invested in our talks“- yes, I definitely feel positive (still smiling). There is no danger in it, not for you, not for me.

It is now 5:36 pm here, West Coast U.S. Tomorrow morning I will go over a few things you wrote in your last two posts that I didn’t attend to yet. I hope you rest/ sleep next. Bonne nuit, if I may say it in French (?)

anita