Dear Dave,

in your first post you described your wife as: “she seems perfect to and for me, she keeps me grounded and listens.”

But in what you are saying, I don’t see how she really listens to you, except that she listens to your complaints, or your suggestions about her business, or she listens to you when you talk about your feelings…. but then she ends up ignoring all of that and is keeping the status quo. She knows everything that bothers you, and those are legitimate concerns, and yet, she is unwilling (or unable due to her own issues) to change.

Even when she asks you to take her out on a date, she is late and sabotages it. You say she wouldn’t be willing to go to a couple therapy either because she would sabotage it too. It seems she isn’t willing to do anything to accommodate for your needs, whereas you are willing to do a lot for her, even opt for vasectomy, which is a pretty final solution.

So when you say she listens to you, does she really listen? Her asking for ideas for her business, or asking to be taken out on dates seems manipulative, because she ends up rejecting it. She might not be doing it on purpose, but there is something in her – some resentment – that she is taking out on you. Do you think she might resent you for not joining her in her business, like leave your job and work full time with her? Or that you don’t join her during the summer, after you’re done with your job, and help her clean the barn etc?

You said: It’s almost as if she doesn’t want anything to change, which I understand,

Why is it understandable that she wouldn’t want to change anything? It appears your son is rejecting her, doesn’t want her to take care of him. Wouldn’t she want to change that?

My friends and family absolutely LOVE my wife, and so anything I say will get back to her and cause a fight.

And you couldn’t bear to have a fight with her? It seems to me you have a problem with asserting yourself and asking for what you want in your marriage, perhaps out of guilt? For example, when she stood you up for a date, and it didn’t happen once but multiple times – have you confronted her or you just let it go?