Dear Linarra:

I used to often second guess myself and worry that something I said was the wrong thing to say (or the tone of voice/ facial expression was wrong, or that I should have added this or that to clarify what I meant, etc., etc., etc.) not only to my mother but to other people because I expected other people to be like my mother and give me hell (she went on and on about how I shouldn’t have said this or that, how her feelings were hurt because of what I said, how I intended to hurt her feelings.. then she went on and on about previous things I said in days, weeks and months pervious, all part of a plan I allegedly had, which was to hurt her).

The second-guessing, the worry, the obsessing, the needing to clarify and explain so to cover all possible interpretations of what I said.. all to avoid a misunderstanding.. all this caused me so much stress and mental torture.

Yesterday when I wished you bonne nuit, it crossed my mind that maybe it was the wrong thing to say to you and that it hurt you and angered you. (This is my habit, but the distress level was minimal). This morning I answered another member first (I tend to answer the more emotionally demanding and time consuming threads after the less demanding threads), and it crossed my mind that maybe you will check and see that I didn’t answer you first- and that will hurt your feelings! Again, it’s a habit born out of having a paranoid-histrionic mother.

“I’m not here with the intention of adding up more reading/responding work for you with this message. I just wanted… “- I have a feeling that you experienced something similar when you wrote this (?)

* When I looked at the the “?” above being placed in parenthesis, it crossed my mind that maybe it will anger you to see the parenthesis.. there is not much logic to this second guessing, but then, there was not much logic to my mother’s paranoia: anything and everything could trigger her into giving me hell.

(I add the parenthesis to the question mark as a suggestion that it is okay with me if you do not answer the question or respond to what I suggested).

It is only recently that my writing became quite spontaneous, without significant worry.. I think that because I feel closer to you/ feel that I care about you, that the fear (of a person I care about turning against me) increased.

A list of the recent mistakes that the child in me believed may cause you great emotional hurt and turn you against me:  (1) typing bonne-nuit last evening, (2) replying to another member first this morning, (3) adding parenthesis to a ? this morning.

I wrote the above to help me process further my experience, hoping it may help you too, somewhat. I just felt guilty for not responding to every point in your most recent post..  that I am a bad person if I don’t say “thank you” for you wishing me to sleep well… All of this is exhausting. So, instead of giving in to all those doubts and second guessing, I will not respond to every point in your most recent post, or in any future post (In any post I submit to you, if there is something I did not respond to that you would like me to respond to- please let me know what it is).

*And .. of course, I worry about having written “this is exhausting” right above, worrying that it was the wrong thing to say because it will probably make you feel badly for allegedly exhausting me. But.. no, not true: I am processing these things, becoming more aware, and that helps me further with my healing.. plus, the distress in regard to all my alleged mistakes here really is minimal.

Next, I will reply to your previous two posts of yesterday.

anita

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