Dear Anita,

I am going to respond to the elements I felt inspired to respond to today among your two posts, and as I’m writing it I notice I’m going back and forth, answering in disorder to make links and just go with the flow. Hopefully, it should still make sense to you.

I am very happy. ‘’Keep myself spontaneous, free to just express, and hopefully Linarra is/ will be doing the same: be spontaneous, not be compelled to say the right thing and reply to every single thing.. and it is okay to neglect to say Thank You, no need to be perfectly polite… to be given the permission to .. not be cautious, alert, alarmed.’’ I think this way of communicating will allow us to be more comfortable and enjoy our communication more. I am glad you took the initiative to start this. And I will do my best to do the same and to remind me about it.

‘’ this may very well be what’s behind your social anxiety on the outside.. this fear of saying the wrong thing..  why you are quiet around people, being cautious, alert, alarmed ‘’ ‘’this is your adaptation to her.. interesting, you see her as a ghost, while it is you who is the ghost in your own life- outside the home. ‘’
It is interesting. She haunts me outside, in how she shaped my brain, making me cautious and unadapted. But inside my home where she really is, I am guarded and adapted against her.

I think about a phrase you wrote in your first post (‘’I expected other people to be like my mother’’). It is the same for me, except I am adapted to my mother because I know her well, but for the other people I’m expecting to be like my mother, I do not know them enough. I cannot predict their triggers, I cannot protect myself.

‘’ isn’t the full picture expanding for you, as you understand more and more? As to your dysfunctionality- it may remain the same, but it may lessen and lessen. ‘’

I guess it is expanding, slowly and with some uncertainty. I really do hope my dysfunctionality will lessen over time.

‘’In this context cheerleading annoys the hell  out of me because it minimizes the difficulty and complexity of what it takes to really heal and change from a devastating childhood, and it expresses arrogance on the part of the cheerleader. ‘’
I understand. For me, with this kind of cheerleading… there are chances I could get sad or frustrated, especially during the times when I am feeling the struggle. I don’t get upset with the people who do that because it’s just impersonal of them. It can be ignorance, or they didn’t give a real thought about the extent of the struggle. Either way, it makes me feel alone in my struggle, disconnected from the world.

‘’I suppose we should both keep in mind that we don’t have to read an entire post all at once, we can attend to a part of it, then hours later, to another part. So, just as I am permitting myself as I type this, to produce a long post, I hope you give yourself a similar permission when you feel like it. ‘’
I understand. As long we don’t have to force ourselves to answer everything it is less exhausting to receive a long post. So we can permit ourselves to make them long if we know the other won’t have to feel forced to answer everything.

‘’I will not be offended. I will like it, as long as what fuels your expressions of appreciation is sincere and not exaggerated or overly positive (and for as long as you don’t second guess yourself much in regard to whether what you say is exaggerated etc., causing you too much distress).’’

I agree with your way of thinking, the lack of sincerity isn’t good for anyone, especially when it comes to affection, it is suffocating. My appreciation of you at the moment isn’t causing me second-guessing or distress. It is nice.

Oh, and at last, I wanted to address the experience you described in your first post, and share mine with hopes it will be clarifying, for the future. Personally, I like to know about the perspective of the people I’m talking to, knowing how they feel helps me feel reassured. In the long run, it helps me to know what to expect from them. It makes the closeness feel less threatening, so hopefully it might help with that for you too.

‘’A list of the recent mistakes that the child in me believed may cause you great emotional hurt and turn you against me:  (1) typing bonne-nuit last evening, (2) replying to another member first this morning, (3) adding parenthesis to a ? this morning. ‘’

1) Really, I have no problem with it. It was nice. As long it is something you genuinely wanted to say and you weren’t forcing yourself, it is alright with me.

2) Also not a problem. Literally, it doesn’t hurt me how you chose to prioritize/organize those things. I do not feel entitled, especially as I like to have the right to organize my communication too. There’s no way I would let your personal freedom affect my opinion of you. Even if I ended up feeling anxious sometimes, I do not consider it as something you are causing to me, or something I should hold you responsible for. My anxiety is entirely due to my unhealed issues, and my current lack of functionality. My brain does that, not you. And talking with you in safety, figuring out a pace that is comfortable for both of us, figuring out we aren’t going to turn against each other, is already helping. It’s enough.

3) This one surprised me. I personally find your ‘’(?)’’ kind of cute… They aren’t something I ever saw anyone else use, so they feel very “Anita” for me, in a nice way. I never minded them in your messages, for sure. When I noticed them for the first time, I found them endearing. After that, I didn’t overthink the meaning behind their usage, to be honest. Though it is good to know now what you are meaning with them, there’s never too much clarity in communication.

Linarra