Dear Dave,

you ask:

I get hints of resentment from time to time about me not helping her in the barn, I have helped her quite a bit over the years at the farm, but I told her when we first got together that her job is her job, I won’t be helping her all the time. .. So, maybe she is resentful of that, and takes it out by staying late at work?

Well, she might be resentful of you, but I don’t think that’s her main motive for staying late at work. Because you said:

I know that she does all the work in the barn, takes breaks and has tea with the owners, talks with her clients, sometimes she will have a few glasses of wine after she is done with the owners or clients at the barn.

It seems she is enjoying her time at work and doesn’t rush to come home. She even sits down for a drink after she’s done with work. All the time knowing that you’re upset that she is spending so little time at home. It appears she feels better in the barn than she feels at home, and it could be, as I said, because she feels she isn’t a good enough wife and mother, and she finds escape in her work.

Another reason is that she might be a workaholic and perfectionist (you said she’s fixing things after others, because she isn’t happy with how they’ve done it), and she just cannot force herself to stop – even at the expense of her family life.

Being a perfectionist is also a sign of low self-esteem and not feeling good enough. So she tries to make things perfect because when things are perfect in the barn, she might feel better about herself. But deep down, she still feels bad about herself, and that’s why she sabotages her family life…

So it seems to me that her low self-esteem (and not feeling good enough) is what drives her behavior of spending too much time at work and too little at home. At work she is trying to reach perfection, while at home she’s sort of given up. What do you think? Does this seem like a plausible explanation of what might be happening?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.