Dear Linarra:

“My mother has tried to… (or so she says)“- I am glad that you doubt what she says, and I hope you doubt everything she ever said.

“I believe purposefully trying to become the opposite isn’t necessarily the best… it isn’t a thoughtful choice“- I agree.

“It’s all about the context and the intent“- your behavior toward your mother never followed an intent to hurt her, while her behavior repeatedly followed her intent to hurt you. When you love a person, you don’t harbor an intent to hurt them (not beyond a momentary instinct that lasts only a second or two, not long enough to carry an elaborate hurtful action).

When person A repeatedly, over a significant amount of time, intends to hurt person B and follows the intent with elaborate hurtful actions (such as histrionic displays), person A does not love person B.

If said person A, in between hurtful actions, displays affection toward person B (“she shows us affection“)-  person A still, does not love person B.

“Thank you for not adding pressure. I have been pressuring myself enough during the past years, and even if it didn’t turn out all bad, I would be more peaceful if my healing came with less pressure“- you are welcome. Pressure is counterproductive to healing, it causes us to contract. Calm that comes from accepting our lives as it is now makes it possible for us to expand, and become more of who we are.

“I trust you. I am not exactly clear on my own personal values, but I know one thing : as much as I can, I like to avoid unnecessary harm/hurt for both others and myself“- I share this value with you, and I trust you too.

“Necessary hurt: requiring our boundaries to be respected“- when she touches you were you don’t want to be touched, your breasts, let’s say.. seemingly affectionately, and you remove her hand from your breasts- you are not hurting her, even if there seems to be hurt on her face.

Notice: you are not removing her hands from her breasts, you are removing her hands from your breasts.

“Unfortunately, things I consider like unnecessary hurt are deemed necessary for some people who find nuisance in a lot of things I judge unharmful…  There would be less pain in this world if people weren’t turning against each other for so many things“- very well said. I want to make more of a distinction between harmful vs nuisance. I wish more people made this distinction.

“I think for us, either way, even if we came across some kind of disagreement with each other, we wouldn’t do it the harmful way, because we care about communicating in a peaceful way and not causing harm to each other“- yes, I agree and I am motivated to make it so.

“I didn’t feel burdened or exhausted as I attended to these 3 points, I did it because I felt like doing it“- my mother repeatedly and endlessly expressed how much I burdened her, how much my existence added to her  burden. When I read your sentence here it was like a breath of fresh air.

“for your peace of mind, I will be careful to pay attention to my own emotions so I don’t exhaust myself during our conversation“- I will do the same!

“Because I also have a lot of good feelings about our communication and I want to preserve them for both of us“- I feel the same and I want the same.

“Some attending from my part is likely to happen again in the future though, I really like to attend to people I care about“- “people I care about”, as in: I care about you…  another feeling of breathing fresh air!

anita