Dear Anita,

“it gets worse than that. It was a shock to me when I realized that my mother felt a relief when she was hurting me, and sometimes she enjoyed it, sometimes it excited her seeing me in pain”

I think I remember similar feelings. I don’t remember anything visual, because I have a bad memory and I am not a visual person, but I remember thinking she must take pleasure in her acting, even the one that hurt me. (She was shameless when she was expressing joy of hurting others, like men. She didn’t directly express her joy of hurting me, but sometimes it felt like she hoped for me to be hurt and was unsatisfied when I wasn’t.) But I excused her because she was mentally ill. Now I don’t anymore. I shouldn’t have to bear with it and accept it just because she can’t change it.

You don’t have to worry about presenting me the concept of joy/satisfaction of hurting. Technically my mother presented it to me first when I experienced it with her. It isn’t.. bad to be able to talk about those things with you, without sugarcoating them like it goes with most people.

Linarra