Dear Linarra:

Because I formed a special connection with you, a closer emotional connection than I have with other members, old fears emerge. I became aware a little while ago that I’ve been postponing replying to you this morning because of the strong element of distrust that I carry in the context of feeling close to another person. Yesterday, I wrote to you that I trust you, and I did feel  trust at the time, and still, I do.. but the element of distrust, strong since childhood, is still there. So, I expect you, after having turned toward me with open arms, so to speak- I expect you to end all contact with me, or otherwise turn against me, just like my mother (to whom I felt very close as a young child) did to me.

Please pay attention to the following: I did not write the above paragraph so that you will take care of me. I wrote it because I am processing my issues, my fears, my distrust, etc. Your thread, and the connection we made, gives me an opportunity to process things that otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do. So, you see: my motivation is self-serving, to help myself.

In addition to my self-serving motivation, I am hoping that our communication will serve you too, a Win-Win situation.

But if the situation becomes one that either one of us becomes the other’s care-taker, it will be a Lose-Lose situation. Because you can’t take my distrust away: it came to be long before you were born and it has nothing to do  with you. Similarly, I can’t take  your fear of going outside away from you, I cannot motivate you to leave your mother and your home.. I don’t have that power. To try to accomplish what is beyond my power to accomplish is ignorant at best, and arrogant at worse.

In case you are confused in regard to how to respond  to the above, I think that if you have a desire to respond, a very short response (1-3 sentences) will suffice.

And now to your two recent posts: “This world is so complex, simple and easy things are precious“- I share your sentiment.

“But what we know, even if it’s pushed down, does not stay quiet: it creates a lot of noise that shows up in our dysfunction. We just can’t function well before we bring up to the surface the terrible truth that we placed under.”

“The classical guidance of accepting what can’t be change and learning to change what can be may be wise, but it is such a general advice, the actual journey is undescribable. Figuring how to make this advice practical is quite something…“-

– my mother/myself used to be one mental entity, in my mind. The me-part of this mental unit couldn’t imagine separating from the unit because it needed the mother-part to OKAY it first, to put the stamp of approval on the me-part. The me-part thought it had the power to make the mother-part change her Disapproval to an Approval, and it waited and tried (trying when I was no longer aware that I was trying) and failed again, and again.. and again. The mother-part did not change and the me-part did not change. As a result I was stuck, not moving, almost dead.

There is no practical guide to accepting that the mother-part will not change (“accept the things I cannot change”, the serenity prayer), and changing the me-part so to kick her out of that mental unit! (“change the things I can”, the serenity prayer)

“recently I submit my posts to you without re-reading them so to check for grammatical mistakes and such. I write them quite spontaneously and then submit. I then read what I wrote, notice a mistake, or an opportunity to clarify.”

“I don’t consider that correcting mistakes/clarifying is a betrayal.. It isn’t wrong, it isn’t lies or betrayal. Please do what would suits you the most, editing or no editing, both are fine with me. Both are you, with or without mistakes/clarification, I’m fine and won’t get bothered“- thank you! I want to remember this, remember that it’s okay, that you are okay with my minor mistakes.

“Those little mistakes, those little worries, they are part of your humanity. I have mine to…“- I need to be more tolerant to my mistakes and to others’ mistakes. And ask for clarification if I suspect that a certain mistake involves some negative emotion or intent. You are welcome to ask me for clarifications anytime you need such.

“At the moment I’m writing this it is 4am… Usually, I would have comforted myself with fictional characters, they make me less lonely during those times. But lately I am a bit cut off of my daydreaming with them, and your presence was more accessible to my brain, so… “-

– I too had a very elaborate daydreaming life, for a long time. I am flattered that you found me comforting enough to replace a fictional character and keep you company. Soon I will be going for my long walk outside and the image of you will keep me company on my walk. And by the way, I haven’t been sleeping well lately either, waking up too early, interestingly I woke up at 4 am this morning and yesterday morning. (I will not be re-reading or editing this post after submitting it!)

anita