Dear Anita,

“Yesterday, I wrote to you that I trust you, and I did feel  trust at the time, and still, I do.. but the element of distrust, strong since childhood, is still there. So, I expect you, after having turned toward me with open arms, so to speak- I expect you to end all contact with me, or otherwise turn against me, just like my mother (to whom I felt very close as a young child) did to me.”

I feel similarly. The trust between us is rational, but the emotional part of us is still too wounded to trust without fear. I am not confused because I expected that much, since we have similar fears… So, I just wanted to say: I understand. For both that and the Win-Win situation. I understand how we’d both lose if care-taking came in the way.

“my mother/myself used to be one mental entity, in my mind. The me-part of this mental unit couldn’t imagine separating from the unit because it needed the mother-part to OKAY it first, to put the stamp of approval on the me-part. The me-part thought it had the power to make the mother-part change her Disapproval to an Approval, and it waited and tried (trying when I was no longer aware that I was trying) and failed again, and again.. and again. The mother-part did not change and the me-part did not change. As a result I was stuck, not moving, almost dead.”

I think this paragraph describes the younger me very well. I forgot at some point my inner death came from this. When I was a child though, at that time I was too dependant on my parents… I felt really strongly their inner-death and physical death was leading to my own death. I remember, when my mother told me she would die, I thought “me too”. When I told her to wait until my 18 years old, I was feeling at that time that I wouldn’t live to get this old anyway, or that if I did, I wouldn’t live long. It helped me deal with the fatality of it, I wouldn’t have to survive alone, helpless. Death was more reassuring than living without my family.

I killed myself mentally so many times in anticipation, and when I happened to survive physically, I was half-dead already anyway.  And I thought I should be grateful for my body to be alive even though my inner death felt so real. So part of me must have been really strong to have my body survive so much stress.

“I need to be more tolerant to my mistakes and to others’ mistakes. And ask for clarification if I suspect that a certain mistake involves some negative emotion or intent. You are welcome to ask me for clarifications anytime you need such.”

Alright, I will. And I confirm you are welcome to ask for any clarification.

“Soon I will be going for my long walk outside and the image of you will keep me company on my walk.”

I am pleased, it feels nice we can keep each other company in such a way.

“And by the way, I haven’t been sleeping well lately either, waking up too early, interestingly I woke up at 4 am this morning and yesterday morning.”

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this too, though the specific time is indeed interesting. Sleep deprivation can makes things more difficult. I notice it makes me more emotional and anxious after such nights. My brain is definitely not the same when I’m not well-rested.

Could it be because of the heat you mentioned? It is very hot around here too lately, how exhausting it can be! I’m looking forward to the colder days.

Linarra