Anita,

Perhaps he did postpone his papers until now.  It is a scary topic, but I am young and I have made sure that people know what I want when I die.  For me, it is hard to comprehend that he would not. It is strange that he talked to me about his impending death so many times since he was diagnosed 11 1/2 years ago but never made any will. Not even when he prepared me for his death when he underwent a risky procedure.

When he entered the hospital this time I guess he knew he was dying deep down. He was a much different man at the beginning of last month. He was suddenly weaker and suddenly seemed old overnight but he was lucid, he was an avid bike rider, he talked too much. He thought he went in for an infection, but even then he couldn’t stop talking about his will. He even left me voice mails that he needed a lawyer right away. He told me his younger brother was working on it and I believed it. My uncle though apparently just carried a computer printout around in his briefcase and never even had my dad sign it. Assuming a computer printout is even good enough. He did customize it with my dad but left it unsigned.  I spoke with my uncle today who has been there almost every day. Today he talked to me about the will. He told me that he took it upon himself to make the inference that my dad would come out so he didn’t have to and my dad was just being dramatic. He apologized to me but I feel angry.

This is the same uncle who is now guilting me because i have decided that my dad should go to hospice because keeping him at home as his body fails more each day feels inhumane. Every day I am called with new news of some new health failure or finding. It never seems to stop.  How much can a homecare person know or do? The apartment is messy, dark, and depressing with my dad’s stuff everywhere.   I want to send him to one of the best cancer hospice facilities in the country with experienced staff and doctors. All they do is help people with terminal cancer die. Keeping my dad at home will not prevent his death.

My uncle is guilting me telling me that my dad wished to stay alive when he entered the hospital last month. My dad was different last month. How come that wish of him is valid, but the wish to have my uncle finish his will was not?

If my dad did become truly lucid and if he told me he wanted to die in his apartment then I would do it, but he is not.

I hired a caseworker to help with his care and his after-life arrangements because it is too sad and stressful for me when I just want to spend the last days with him. That uncle has a pushy wife who is trying to do the job of the woman I hired to handle this even though i asked her to stop.

They are tag-teaming me to make me question my decisions even though I have a background in science and medicine and they have none. They think he’ll take a pill, or have an IV and beat hospice. I try to explain to him that is not a realistic reality. They are making me feel like i’m purposely sending my dad to an early death painting a picture of a place that will starve him and not help him at all but just drug him to speed up his death.

I am going through so many emotions right now and they are making it worse.

There is only one visitor allowed per day at the hospital because of IOVID.  i got an exception for two today because my uncle was supposed to sit with me to find out what my dad wanted in his death since we don’t know. He didn’t bring it up, but instead is pushing for him and my aunt to go tomorrow to insert themselves into my meeting with the doctor no doubt to question and belittle my decisions to make me feel guilty and like i am murdering my father.

I don’t want them there and i want them to leave me alone. I asked them to leave me alone but they do not.

I know that my dad is my uncles older brother and he has known my dad longer than me. I know that he wants him to live and is denial, but i want him to just give me space. I was almost happy that they changed it to one visitor for while but he stole my days and now somehow has managed to bend the rules to be there at every moment so that i can never just be with my dad alone.

Today I am angry again.